C went really well. She fits my personality so much. I wish I could afford her every wk.
I'm gonna text w and tell her I'm not ready to see her. The truth is I need to work on me and that means going dark.. very dark. Not to see if she misses me.. but so I can heal.. so I can re-learn how to make decisions with my best interest at heart. So I can learn that I deserve love.
I could act as if and go ahead with the meeting.. but we are also suppose to pay attention. We set up our separation to be loving, but my w hasn't done much to keep that going. She walked away from that. That's hurts.. but it is what it is. She's not gonna say how much she missed me, she's gonna want to push forward with d. If it was anything different.. she would have specified in her text. Regardless the point is.. I'm not ready to see her. If she wants forward with D, she can start on her own. I'm not running away from her on this. I'm running towards me!
I feel like so many people on this board at least remember what their w/h was. For me.. I just remember what I've always wanted from her but never got. I'm going to really try and refocus my priorities from her to me. I'll have to live with the consequences.. but if I'm taking care of me and making positive changes.. it has to be better than this.
To end this rant on a positive note. I opened my own separate account. I'm nervous about financially supporting myself.. but I have to trust that someone greater than myself is looking out for me.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
