Dazed and confused...

[Young at Heart]

.....We also got to the point that we were having 2 date nights a month one set up by her and one by me, things really started looking good!

No matter how good things seemed to be getting I felt that I needed to know the entire truth in order to make a solid decision on staying or going, no matter what it had to be based on facts. My foolish pride could not let things be.

...I was a basic A$$. No doubt about it.

I think that I finally came to my senses on Easter Sunday. Our Pastor’s sermon was based on living life as if we truly believed Easter had happened. I began to think about how Jesus had been crucified to open the gates to heaven and have us all be forgiven for our sins and I was not living the life I should be living. I was not being the forgiving Christian I knew I should be.

That afternoon I asked GOD to forgive me and to give me the strength to forgive myself for what I had done to this woman that I knew I loved so much. A few minutes later I broke down crying like a baby and I apologized to my wife for what I had been doing to her I also promised that I would never throw the kids or the A in her face again.

....I have really driven a major wedge between us with all of the hurtful things I have done to her.

...She says that she has given up all hope one ever being in any kind of loving relationship and she want out so she could focus on her and the boys without having to worry about hurting anyone else. She also feels as if she is not good enough for me. She has stated many times that there is no way she could love me the way I need to be loved or deserve to be loved. Bottom line, I feel she has a self esteem issue that I have played a major role in, directly and indirectly.

I have read DB, DR, Love Languages, The Secrets of Happily Married men, After the Affair, Fighting for your Marriage and I’m currently reading Hold Me Tight.

I have begun to put some of the DB’ing things into play. I have lost 40lbs since this all started and I’m looking pretty good, If I do say so myself! I have started hiking and playing golf again and basically GAL. I am trying hard not to call her and see how things are going but it was something I always did on a regular basis so it’s hard to kick the habit. I started seeing an IC that focuses on Spiritual counseling and SFBC. ...

Congratulations on getting in touch with yourself and the things that you did to tear down your relationship. My heart goes out to you. Finding out that your W was having a PA had to be really hard and would be difficult even for a saint to properly handle. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Ultimately, all you can do is prove to her with your actions that you are a changed and better man, one that she would miss being around. It will be her call as to whether she forgives you or not and whether she wants to try to make the marriage work or not. This is assuming that you (as you have said) truly have forgiven her. You also need to learn to forgive yourself and blame the poor relationship choices on a person who had not studied all the relationship books that the "new you" has studied.

My real suggestion would be to work your kids into your GAL a little more. Do fun things with them and invite your wife, but also don't pressure her to participate in activities. Arrange for weekend or afterwork golf or hiking trips with you kids and ask your wife if she would like to join you. Maybe get some used bicyles at a local St Vincent DePaul store and take your kids out for early evening bicylce trips.

You sound like you have read the right books and done some hard introspection. Good for you. Counseling is also important.

I would add to your reading list a book by [edited by dbmod: reference not recommended/not allowed ] It is all about GAL and becoming a better, more integrated man in a world where so many in authority are women. You owe it to yourself and your children to read it.

Again. Good luck to you.