Rebuilding a friendship...Thread #4

[Redo]

Also talked about how I probably never got what I needed from our M because I didn't know any better...and instead of bringing it up to W, I protested in other ways which were pushing W and I apart.

wow you hit on the target for me too.
I was always passive in my marriage. Problem with that was that i got passive aggressive and just brought myself down emotionally. Now i wish i was more assertive, been more satisfied and hence more stronger emotionally.

But look on the bright side. You know whats wrong. Now there's one more area you can work on yourself. It is never too late

[25yearsmlc]

guess my post dropped...

Navy, you had a good weekend, and then she pulled back. This is NOT unusual.


It's a 2 step forward, 1 back...or it's not. But you did have a good weekend so, all I can say is to try to see a bit more of the big picture.


If you get a chance, read the article by laura Munson on "Those Aren't Fighting Words"...

It may help you see this in a different way. SOME of it may apply.

[Denver_2010]

If you get a chance, read the article by laura Munson on "Those Aren't Fighting Words"...

It may help you see this in a different way. SOME of it may apply.

GREAT article 25.

[Navyguy]

Agree...it really was a good article. DBing at its finest, although it doesn't address owning your own past mistakes. If I told my wife "I don't buy that", she'd think I was calling her a liar. So like you said 25, SOME of it applies.

Last night was a really good night. I had soccer practice after work so I got home a bit late. When I got home W had dinner ready and she was in a really good mood. Dinner was great (I made sure to tell her and thank her) and then we put the kids in bed.

After that we were sitting on the couch watching TV and she asked if I wanted to watch a movie. She had bought "Just Go With It" yesterday and we watched it together. It was a really good movie. After that, I got ready for bed and said "have a good night" to her and she said it back...and the way she said it was really nice.

So, yeah, it was a good night.

[25yearsmlc]

Good to hear Navy,

Didn't that article also say she had an internal deadline for how long she could deal with it?

I thought she did. Anyhow, you probably need to know there's a light of some sort, at the end of this tunnel.


Maybe that will help you get through this and at some point she'll have to make a choice.



What can you do? Exactly what you are doing. DBing as best you can, showing the changes you've made and being as consistent as you can be.


Someday soon, If she blurts out inappropriately or critisizes you, you might reply that you are NOT her abuser/ (name the guy who was if you know) and say

"I'm not 'X' and don't want to be treated as if I am".

That's only if she throws that out. But someday she'll have to know this. I can't see a way around this issue-in the long run.


Your approach remains the same though so stay focussed on that. I just want you to be ready for her bad days & calling her on it, in the moment.

You are doing well! Keep at it.

[Redo]

If you get a chance, read the article by laura Munson on "Those Aren't Fighting Words"...

Really nice article 25. In these situations, i think you need to have patience, trust in your actions and give the benefit of doubt to your spouse to see if they can see the light.

[Navyguy]

Wow...all the way down to page 11 since I last posted.

Nothing really new to report here. My brother visited this week, and we had a good time. His take on my sitch lines up with what everyone here and my IC has been telling me. W is in Kansas this weekend to attend her friends baby shower, been having fun with the kids.

I'm hanging in there...the sitch continues to wear on me though.

[Navyguy]

Rough day here...W has been pretty unpleasant since she got back from Kansas. I'll post a full update tomorrow...not sure how much longer I can keep this up...the hurt is getting pretty bad.

[Navyguy]

Well, it has been a couple weeks since I provided a proper update. It has now been 6 months since our big pre-Christmas blowup and the beginning of our separation.

My biggest concern right now is our little interactions. It seems that she is very intent on showing me that she doesn’t love me and almost disapproves of me loving her.

Here’s some examples:

Every morning when I leave for work I tell her “see you tonight” and her response is always “ok”. Usually I’ll respond to that with “have a good day” and she typically doesn’t say anything back.

Any time I ask her how she’s doing or how her day was, her response is “all right”. That’s it. No follow ups, no asking me how my day was, nothing.

Most times when I try to have a conversation with her, it seems that she tries to end it as quickly as possible.

Now here’s the real kicker…if I pull back and don’t initiate these pleasantries or conversations, she assumes that I am upset with her and she gets mad because I am being “the same old Navyguy” by walking around the house “in a mood”.

How the he|| do I break this cycle??? Whether I’m nice or I pull away, I end up feeling like crap, and it doesn’t seem to affect how W treats me at all.

Now on to some specifics:

W seemed to enjoy her trip to Kansas. I didn’t initiate any contact with her the entire time she was gone. She texted me to tell me she arrived there, and the only time I heard from her while she was there was on Father’s day when she left a voicemail to tell me happy father’s day. She didn’t do anything else for me for father’s day…I guess I was at least expecting a card from the kids or something. But yesterday she told me that she had gotten me a gift and a couple cards and she meant to give them to me before her trip but she couldn’t find where she put the cards.

Awhile ago I signed W and I up for a Retrouvaille session in the middle of July. On Friday, I got a call from the coordinator asking for the deposit, because I hadn’t sent it in yet. I hadn’t asked W yet if she was interested in going, but I had to let the coordinator know one way or another, so I asked her about it last night. I asked in what I thought was a very nice/disarming way. I said: “I held a spot for us in an upcoming marriage retreat weekend and I need to let the guy know if we’re attending. If you aren’t interested that is fine or if you want to find out more about it I will give you the name of it and you can decide after you have read about it”. W immediately replied that she was not interested.

On the more positive side of things, W made a small physical contact with me last Thursday. We were putting the kids to bed and W’s back was hurting so she got out her massager while I was reading the kids their story. After the story, W and the kids all laid in bed while I massaged their backs with the massager…mostly focused on W, of course. After that I laid down between the kids and W started giving me a scalp massage. This was something she always used to do and I really loved it. It didn’t last very long and I think she was just doing it to show the kids how to do it, but it was sure nice while it lasted.

Anyways, I’m planning to keep the good fight going. W is starting school next Monday. I think I need to keep up better with my journaling here. It does seem to help me stay focused on the positives when I write them down.

[♪CS♪]

Now here’s the real kicker…if I pull back and don’t initiate these pleasantries or conversations, she assumes that I am upset with her and she gets mad because I am being “the same old Navyguy” by walking around the house “in a mood”.

How the he|| do I break this cycle??? Whether I’m nice or I pull away, I end up feeling like crap, and it doesn’t seem to affect how W treats me at all.

Hey Navy, good to hear from you.

Here are a few thoughts.

I think you can show you’re not “in a mood” and pull back some at the same time. My suggestion, KIDS. Focus on the kids. Play with them. Laugh with them. I am not saying you are not already doing this, but I am saying if you put your focus on them, and not your W, she might see more of what she will miss out on.

My other thought is a question. What have you been doing for you? Do you go out? Any activities? Teams? Organizations? Get out and do stuff.

I guess to break it down. When at the house. Kids, kids, kids.

Also get out of the house. Do fun and interesting things.

Don’t forget the basics of all of this. 180’s. GAL. Stop pursuing.