74 Days - Who Knows?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

You're asking how to trust a person who has proven her ability to lie to you?

You're asking how not to go nuts.

How to verify.

I can tell you what do to, but that's not my style and I don't like doing that. Do this. pfffpt.

I didn't trust my wife the last time. All the other times, when I did? I was burned and felt foolish. (Don't read too much into this, I believe to my core that these times had to happen for multiple reasons.)

The last time, she had to prove trust.
She let me know where she was going, she would call to let me know where she was, if she was running late.
She provided me with the information that I could check up on her with.
Did I?
I want to say no. But it has been to long, if I did, it would have been once or twice, a low enough number to make me forget that I did.

If I saw one of OM's brand of cigarette butts outside her house.
Rather than jump to the conclusion she lied to me, I'd ask her about it. My heart and mind might be racing, but that monkey was stuffed into his cage.

My goal wasn't to have my paranoia proved right.
My goal wasn't not to be made a fool of no matter the cost.
My goal was to give this my best shot at being married, but like above not at any cost.

I verified my doubts by talking with her, and becoming keenly aware of her surroundings. Did I check up on her? Yes. Did I look at her phone? Yes I did. Did I tell her I would be doing these things? Yes.

Her doing these things? Was on their own, a sort of verification.

Transparency, works both ways, it has too.
She had to be onboard with that. Otherwise; What was she hiding?


For me going nuts, I DIDN'T like who I was when I was crazy.
I was at the point of:
With her, ok.
Without her, ok.

That helped alot.

But I despised the way I acted and how I felt.
Does it sound easy? It was hard. But I would focus on something else, anything else. If I couldn't let an issue go, I would talk to her about it. I told her I would, I told her I would do my best to kill these demons, but when I couldn't we would need to talk. And that these talks would fade over time with her rebuilding trust.

I saw this as a choice, a choice I got to make, be in control or be out of control.

You're an A type of personality, right?
Not being in control is its own sort of hell for you.