MLC world, trying again hopefully goes through. No OW in my MLC. My kids really didn't notice or they didn't say anything. I still did things for them. I was just totally out of it and glad I pulled that off as it was not there issue. You know when people say there W or H is an alien to them. That was me. It seemed like someone else was pulling the strings and I was just along for the ride. Surviving each day was a struggle due to the depressions/anger/fog. My MLC was very deep and lasted 2 1/2 years. My wife is approx 2 yrs into it. I don"t know if there is OM. To be honest it really doesn"t matter. If she doees not come through there will be no realtionship other than coparenting anyway.
I still love my W. I always will but that does not mean we will be together. MLC is a tough animal. You cannot help someone going through it. It is there journey alone. I will say a key to getting through MLC is forgiving the people around you that you are currently blaming for your troubles. This is easy to say and difficult to do.
Sounds like you are doing the right thing moving your life along World. I am seperated as well and going on 7 months. She still has not loooked withing and until that even happens there is no hope for a turn around.
If my W were still in Anger stage with me, that would be incredibly tough. I hated that period. In my sitch, Anger ended two months ago, and since she agreed to have the divorce dimissed / put on hold, she has been very congential, laughs a lot, is a pleasant conversationalist, but is still resolute in her quest to live a single, independent life (we no longer discuss why, it just "is"). Therefore, Replay stage continues with no talk or definable overatures regarding a possible reconcilation. Replay in her case involves having a boyfriend, hanging out with his friends, and to pushing for her time with the kids. She seems happy to just be their "friend". More like a fun aunt who they see a few times week for an hour or two at dinner, or driving D13 to a class.
The maddening thing is it is tantalizing that she is always so friendly. It is her preferred manner. However, all the while I still know there is the OM. Of course he is just a toy, a mere symptom of her MLC, but still, until she goes into Depression / Withdrawl (likely cycling back and forth for a bit with Replay), there can be no Awakening. All talk of "us" must remain on hold. She knows how I feel about her and OM, but I no longer express it and just show her happiness on my part. Another relief is that she's kept OM out of the kids lives and he has never been in their presence. She's obviously not too proud of OM, as she's never mentioned him to her family or friends from her former life. She is very good at compartmentization.
Later this afternoon will meet her to watch a tennis tournament involving D13. I will enjoy the opportunity be with her and watch our daughter. Got to take pleasure in whatever I can.
How long will you stand? Do you see where it may have started before the bomb?
I consider my time through MLC (2 1/2 yrs) to be rather quick. The dilemma is how long do you stand understanding there are no garauntees just possibilites.
The more GAL I do the more people I meet. This increases chances of meeting someone more compatible for me in this stage of life.
This is not a goal as I am comfortable alone and being there for my kids. I do have a decent amount of friends. what I do miss is the companionship/closeness that I had in my relationship. Thats something i would want but don"t need.
I don"t have atime frame set as its been about 2 yrs already but I don"t think my wife has the tools to get through which concerns me. Something (time, event, etc will have to push her into herself for her to do the work. I was pushed into the depths of total despair and pain. Eventually the bottom came.
Having been through it i feel i have more insight into MLC which can be a blessing and a curse.
Have you forgiven her to this point?
Just curious. Our sitch"s are almost identical with the kids etc.
As they say, each MLC and its sitch have their own flavor. Because your wife has only mentioned D a few times in 2.5 years, and there appears to be no OM, then I would continue to wait for as long as it took. Not filing D tells me she continues to be undecided / confused about both her past and future. Even though she sounds angry, my bet it is mostly directed within her and she is severely depressed.
Mine's a bit different. 1) she did file for divorce - hired one of the meanest firms in town. 2) there is OM, and although they do not live together, she admits to a family counselor they are in a R. 3) although she temporarily called off the D to sort out our investments, she plans to refile once this is done in 8 to 12 months. She is happy because she is own her own for the first time in her life, she continues to be infatuated with the attention from OM, and she is getting a good spousal support which should allow her not to work for many years. Combined with splitting our investment income, her working part time, and spousal support, she should gross between $8k and $9k per month. So you see, I've got no financial leverage her.
Given the preceding, I will only stand for roughly say, 8 to 15 more months, or until the D is final. Then I must move on. It would be unhealthy otherwise, and really, I know there is more life to be lived out there and I don't want to miss anymore than I will over the next year. If she "Awakens" one day after the D and wants to talk about a reconciliation, and I'm still available and of like mind, my reaction today would be to say let's take it slow and see where we go. Better chance is that she moves on, and then, so must I. I will be 50 in two months. Life is too short. I can't see dragging this out for years after the D is finalized and she's moved on. That's my reality. Makes me sad, but I've got to buck up and accept it.
I pray for more time, I really do. Originally, our D was supposed to be on track for Aug-11. All assets were to be liquidated, huge taxes paid, utter disaster to our nest egg. By getting her to agree to trading the real estate, it bought an extra 6 to 12 months, saves most all the taxes, and will continue to provide cash flow to both of us. We have a lot of blessings to count. Make no mistake about it, the extra time is the most valuable of all. Should stall the big D until next spring 2012. In the mean time, I get to keep on DB'ing best I can. Again, if I fail, I will have given it my best and will be very sad, but will have no regrets.
Got back from the D13's tennis match. We joked and had a good time watching D13 (her team won). I had made plans to send the kids to Hawaii to stay with her dad for a week in Aug-11. W was born and raised there. That's where we met and lived for 15 years. D17 was born there too. W said she would like to go with the kids, but said she did not have enough $$. I'm a sucker and said I would pick up her ticket too. She really did marry a good guy, and as long as she's spending time with the girls, I will subsidize. Her dad is sick about the whole thing, so maybe a week with him will help her introspection. I will stay and go fishing up in the mountains. The quietness and clean air will do me good. After tennis, she invited me to dinner with D13 and her. Pleasant dinner and D13 really seemed to appreciate it. I bought of course, but no big deal. W seemed to appreciate that. She's not broke by any means, but I do whatever I can to smooth our relationship.
My only hope is that she starts to miss our family enough, particularly us. She really did live an easy beautiful life. She is just very messed up in her priorities. There is not much I can do but be the best person I know. Mostly for me, but also in hopes she will also take notice ...
