Thanks JB and whoever else said a prayer. They must have been heard, because the convo went surprisingly well. I will try to recap what I can remember.
As I had said, I started the convo out with normal pleasantries. Asked how she was doing and asked how her mom was doing. W went on a bit about all the stuff she has to deal with.
Here is the convo how I remember: W: Have you looked at flight arrangements for the kids or have you already booked them?
M: I honestly haven’t even looked into them.
W: Why?
M: I was hoping that we would have been able to work things out by now.
W: So are you keeping them? You can’t keep them up there with you.
M: Yes, I plan on keeping them up here.
W: You are going to make this ugly aren’t you? Have you even thought about what this is going to do to D8 and S5?
M: I didn’t want to do this. I have struggled with this decisions, however I feel good about my decision. Well, not necessarily good, but it is the right decision.
W: You are contradicting yourself.
M: It is a decision that I didn’t want to make, but given the choices that I have. It is the decision I had to make.
W: Do you really want to do this? Are you even thinking about D8 and S5? You know you are going to scar them for the rest of their lives?
M: Don’t try to blame me or guilt me. I am not the one that wanted out of the marriage.
W: I am not trying to guilt you. If you would have taken care of me all of these years. I felt like you didn’t care. You never said anything or asked anything when I’d come home at 4 in the morning.
M: Because I trusted you. If I would have asked you, then it would have been that I didn’t trust you. That is a terrible example.
W: You changed and I was unhappy. You were making decisions with your life and you weren’t communicating with me. (she’s talking about when I started going to church and trying to find myself. I had lost my dad early last year and I was reflecting on the way I was living.)
M: I was going thru a lot, but none of that matters to you. I wasn’t allowed to disconnect. Look, we’ve been over this. I am done apologizing. I have owned my part. I have worked to improve myself. It is time for me to quit living in the past and move forward.
W: This is not what we agreed to, why did you change your mind?
M: I was operating in fear before. I feared dragging the kids through a custody battle. I feared pushing you further away. I’m not afraid anymore.
I intended to sign the agreement, but “document company” kept screwing it up. Do you think that I paid $X amount to have them make the changes and then not sign it?
W: Don’t blame the “document company”.
M: I’m not blaming them, however they did buy me enough time to reconsider my decision.
W: What judge do you think is going to give you custody of the kids?
M: I don’t know. I guess we’ll find out.
W: Well if this is what you want.
M: This is not what I want. I want to work things out with you. I want to keep our family intact.
W: If I thought we could work things out, I wouldn’t have uprooted myself and moved away.
M: Well I think it is important that the kids have access to both of us. That is the reason I was willing to move to NM. I was sacrificing everything I have going here for everybody else. I’ve mentioned several times to you that there isn’t anything for me in NM. I feel like I’m wasting my breathe, because it falls on deaf ears.
W: I know there isn’t anything for you here.
M: I understand the things I did wrong now, however did you ever once say that you were unhappy and maybe we should go to counseling?(Okay, so I did go back to the past)
W: No, I tried to tell you that I was unhappy. I told you that the money didn’t matter and you didn’t spend enough time with us.
M: I don’t believe that justifies tearing our family apart. Those things were workable.
W: I can’t go back.
W: You know everybody warned me that you would do this, but I told them that you would never do it. I can’t believe that you are doing this.
M: I can careless what anybody thinks or says. I can’t believe that you did what you did. You aren’t the person that I married.
W: You aren’t the person that I married either.
M: Well this person is willing to look at himself, make changes and try to work things out.
W: I don’t know what to say.
M: You don’t have to say anything. You said enough last time we talked.
W: I don’t even remember what I said.
M: You said that you got to the point that you couldn’t stand to be around me.
W: I’m sorry I said that. I wasn’t thinking clearly that day. I had a lot going on.
M: I’m not looking for an apology. It told me where your heart is.
W: It makes me feel better to apologize.
W: So where do we go from here?
M: I don’t know.
W: What are you going to tell the kids? They are expecting to be coming to NM.
M: I will take care of it. I don’t know what I am going to tell them yet, but I don’t plan on throwing you under the bus.
W: I want to be part of the discussion.
M: That’s fine. I will probably tell them something this weekend.
W: Do I need to get an attorney?
M: Probably a good idea. Silence M: All I wanted was to be there for you. There’s nothing else to say. I am going to let you go.
W: Are you going to let me talk to the kids?
M: Of course, you are their mother. They love you. I would never get in the way of your relationship with them. I wouldn’t want to hurt them. I never intended to hurt you (that is true, but I had it in the front of my mind that she is going to get hurt when she gets served). I will have them call you when I get home.
W: Alright.
M: Bye
W: Bye
No yelling at all throughout the convo. She did raise her voice a little one time and I told her I would hang up if you started yelling. It turned out better than I anticipated. I was super stressed today.
We talked for nearly an hour, so there are parts I can’t remember right now. I will include them as they come to me.
You handled that pretty well, LITB, but I fixed it for you.
