Advice well taken about keeping an open mind. At my age, not much surprises me, though I admit this left turn my W took in Jan-11 did throw me off my game for a few months. I am recovering, but would not say I will ever fully heal. Time will tell.
You've been such prolific poster that it is hard to get a read on your current sitch. What is the status of you and your wife at present? Still living together, but separate? Anyone file for D? Is she still deep in menopause? Anyway, just like to understand your circumstances. Again, thanks for your care and advice. MW
Cadet,You've been such prolific poster that it is hard to get a read on your current sitch. What is the status of you and your wife at present? Still living together, but separate? Anyone file for D? Is she still deep in menopause? Anyway, just like to understand your circumstances. Again, thanks for your care and advice. MW
Yes you would need to be Houdini to figure out my sich. FTR I do post else where and up until about 6 months ago my wife was stalking me on all 5 of the different boards that I have been on. (although one board did shut down).
My belief is that she is still in depression/withdrawal stage and she did file for divorce last December. Yes she is still in major crisis, overt depression, menopause. We only speak through lawyers although we continue to live in the same house, separate bed rooms.
She is what is called a low energy MLC'er. If you read any of my earlier sich you will see that there has not been an OM/OW although very early in replay she may have had an EA with another MLC woman. That didn't last long.
Don't ask me why I am writing all this out right now but let me just say that I am good for the moment. My adult children are great and thriving in their own enviornments. I continue to work on me. And I will be doing that forever. I have learned so much in the last two years.
I know that no matter what happens in my life I will be OK. I am at peace with my wife and wish her well no matter what she chooses to do. I hope that she can find the happiness that she is searching for. I know that I can not control her or FIX her. She will need to do that on her own.
Hope that explains where I am at. There are some other people here that will be interested too.
Cadet ... why do you two continue to reside in the same house? Finances? Stubborness?
Finances - Yes. This is not my crisis or my divorce. It is hers. I am in the MBR, she chose to move in the guest room. I can not control her nor will I try.
Are you suggesting that I should run away from my own house? Not going to happen.
If a judge orders me to leave then, I will have no choice. But until that time I guess that is my boundary. To remain in the house and continue to live my life.
Depression is about control. My wife would like me to move out of the house and GIVE it to her. There has to be some dose of reality here. Just like you are not going to GIVE your wife your assets and walk away.
I have posted twice to no avail to some of your questions. Maybe Im being moderated. I wouldn't know why. Just wanted you to know I didn't disappear on you.
So sorry Cadet, I only was referring to her possible stubborness. Got to be an incredibly stressful situation. All are sitch's have their own flavors, but it is helpful for me to try and see things from your perspective when seeking your advice. I wholly understand the part of not wanting the D. Truly. But as the Stones song goes, "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need" [whether want it or not!!!].
In some ways, my separation is a godsend in that I don't have to deal with the raw emotion of seeing my W every day. I miss my W and old life terribly, yes. However, there are many other emotions that dredge up when I see her, so separation can have its benefits.
There is not that much stress any more. We are both leading our own lives and although I still have hope, I really have no EXPECTATIONS.
My wife has her own free will and can choose to do as she wishes. I can not control that nor do I want to.
She may finish her journey in this or she may not. Again I am just an observer at this point.
All I can do is stay as detached as possible and hope that she will decide to look within. For now she has not chosen to do that.
As far as missing your old life, sorry to say that all our marriages were over at BD. Maybe we will get to build new ones either with our present spouse or with some one else. Time will tell. And we all have lots of TIME. Just none to waste.
Sorry man, didn't see your post from this morning. Sounds like you've been hit a double whammy with your own MLC and now your W's. You hang in there too.
Definitely know about keeping hope in a small compartment. It leaks out now and then, and I really have to struggle to put it back in. I try to stay very positive around most all people, as they really got sick of my whining in the early months of this crisis. Learned a lot about keeping it positive and have reaped the results from those around me, including my W.
Like I said, our R is actually very positive at this point. She has her BF which makes her very happy. I act like it's no big deal to me as we are in the process of D. She does know I don't want this D, but is convinced I will never change and we are incompatible. All standard MLC speak. I don't argue but agree on certain points and generally wish her well in our interactions. We shall see if my new peaks her interest. Only a lot of time will tell.
I can say that the 180 technique does work in all phases of life, and has truely taken the explosiveness out of our sitch. Case in point is her calling off the D so we could straighten out our investments first. Takes a lot of trust on both our parts to do this. She knows she has not the slightest acumen when it comes to finances, so she's relying on me to set things up for both our retirements. It's definitely enlightened self interest on my part, but hey, as long as we both benefit, my bruised ego can be put aside.
