I find myself in a wide range of emotions but mostly sadness trying to figure out how we've gotten to this point. Her reasons for wanting a divorce just don't make sense to me. Started off she was saying she wanted space but no separation or divorce. 4 days later comes home wants to separate and 95% sure she wants a divorce. 4 more days pass and she knows without doubt she wants a divorce.
Upon hearing she wants to separate her reasoning was she misses the single life and not having the responsibility of marriage. when announcing she wants a divorce her reasons had changed to that she needs to know she can be independent and stand on her own two feet. How is she standing on her own two feet when she lives with her brother? Two entirely different reasons all in a matter of days.
How quickly she decided she wants a divorce is baffling as well. All in a matter of 8 days from space no separation to moved out and no doubt wants a divorce. Just doesn't make sense at all. Guess she's enjoying staying out all night at whoever's house. She told me once that she was staying at a friend's near her job when I had text her needing something of mine she had forgotten to give back...I have my doubts though
Today makes 5 days since she officially moved out and this place no longer feels like a home as much as a reminder of my failures.
Claims I'm her best friend and that she will always love me but I feel like they are just words she's saying to try to comfort me when she's tossing me off to the side to rot.
She's planning on filing the divorce online next month. I don't feel that I have time to change her mind on this.
Hollowed, I'm sorry you are going through this. It's small consolation, but our WAS's have pulled the same routines on us - the "come here, go away" attitude, the total inconsistency in their comments, the secret affair (which I hope is not your case, but it was in mine).
ALL YOU CAN DO is control your own actions and words. You can do nothing to control, sway or change your W - she is the center of her universe right now, and nothing else matters to her other than her own perceived "happiness".
Here are the 37 rules:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Can the LRT work when she is planning to file so soon? and when she comes over only maybe twice a week for about 30 minutes? Also the possibility of that she may be having an affair and be too "high" right now to do a "look back"? Way it sounds to me if she is in a secret affair she may be wanting to hurry up and move on so she can take things further with OM. other than that she really doesn't text me unless she needs something or in the case of yesterday to let me know she was going to file before long
There's a chance you have more time than you think. Right now you have to look at the positives. She hasn't filed yet. The friendship appears to be somewhat intact and you may be able to build on it.
As an FYI, my W told me in February that her sister was done in 2 months, intimating that her expectation for us. It's been 4 months and we're still married. My W and I both spoke to attys in April and we're in the initial stages of drafting a settlement. (My W is probably frustrated by this)
After some time, you will finally be able to digest that knot in your stomach. You will start having better days. The hills on the emotional roller coaster will be less intense.
Can the LRT work when she is planning to file so soon?
Do you have any other solutions that would work?
The LRT may not stop her in her tracks. It seems she's pretty focused on the person or thing that's drawing her out of the M. But, as I asked, do you have a better plan? You can't say, "Yes, my plan is to get back together and stop this nonsense." That is what you desire, sure, but you have to deal with the reality of the here and now, and break down into steps what you can do during the time you have left.
Have you practiced any LRT steps or have you just thought about it and whether or not it works?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have been trying to use some of the LRT methods like letting her come to me.
I try to act happy when we talk
I haven't mentioned a future in our marriage (outside of saying I think she should wait to make sure no regrets yesterday)
I send her only a text when I actually need to know something or when she texts me first
I asked her brother not to try to persuade her
I don't say I love you
the other day when she came over to tell me about her intentions to file I let her start the conversation. before and after it I joked with both her and her brother
that's really about it I think. not sure I'm doing it right or not though honestly. the part that worries me is if I pull back she might take it as ok he's let go now and I can continue on as I want and cease all contact at all but you are right I don't have a better plan
knowing how absent minded she is and the factor that she doesn't come around much I sent my wife the text.
Just a simple:
Don't forget to pick up food and litter for Chloe
she said I will after my brother gets off work
me
K
is that along the lines of what I need to be doing as far as communication goes when I text her? basically I guess the LRT is just moving on with my life without her and at the same time hoping it works out?
basically I guess the LRT is just moving on with my life without her and at the same time hoping it works out?
First part is right. Hope can keep you sucked in and could keep you looking over your shoulder; mindreading; second guessing every thing you do. Hope can easily slide into expectation as well.
I wish I could remember where I read it but I found the following pretty profound-
"Live as you should have all along"
Obviously, that requuires a little digging to get a better feel for how you lost sight of how to be you (who she/women find attractive) and whatever else you may have done/not done to contribute to the state of the marriage.
But that is the limit of what you can do to change the people in the marriage.
What she chooses to see in you and/or stay or not is entirely her.
I certainly don't want you to see this as giving up/conceding.
In fact, it is the opposite.
If you can get a strong, confident grip on who you really are, then things will happen as they are supposed to and FIT with who you really are.
Not to create confusion, but when I read somewhere that my marriage may not actually be what's good for ME once I learn who I really am, a lot of the fear and doubt left. It suddenly made me look at the entire situation differently.
I began my open look at myself from a natural rather than tactical perspective. My behavior followed suit.
And NOTHING is more attractive than behaving naturally. Because it's easy to do. You don't have to think about it.
I believe that THAT is the reason the LRT and GAL and 180's are encouraged. To help you break some of your old habits and tendencies (i.e. RUT) and let the WAS and the LBS see something different. And it is regimented and instructional to force you to fake it until you make it.
On that journey you will find what you like and who you are.
IMHO.
Sandi- Has Hallowed seen the 30+ "Do's and Dont's list" you created?
Control is impossible Detach from the emotion of this Be your natural self Earn back your self-respect Assign responsibility equally Realize this process will improve you
So I was sitting on the couch reading some of The Divorce Remedy and decided I want to rearrange the place some. So I'm taking some of her stuff down and putting some of my stuff that's been in the closet up in their place. Figure if I'm living here by myself I might as well make it look a little more like I want it to look till she gets the rest of her stuff
