Journaling: The rollercoaster continues though as I come to the end of this ride the hills and valleys have smoothed out. I’ve had more up days than down lately but today is starting out as a down day. Life and relationships are cyclic so I am hoping this day bottoms out soon.
It is part of this melancholy, but I can’t help thinking about the old question if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it does it make a noise? I know it does, but from my point of view why does it matter?
Six months in and I am still analyzing still evaluating, still finding behaviors I wish to change. I’ve made several changes and backslid also. I believe I have caught all of the backslides. For example I used to impugn the intelligence and parentage of other drivers. I find myself driving with more patience and courtesy now.
A distant relative “J” used to exhibit quite a bit of road rage. STBXW and I used to refer to my outbursts as channeling J. It bothered her and making this statement was a humorous way of expressing her tension. I wish she had been a little more assertive expressing her concerns. I wish she had felt comfortable enough with my reaction to assert herself. It is an indictment of how dominant my personality had become in our relationship that she was not.
It is no ones fault, it just was. It is in the past. It cannot be undone. There is another old statement that comes to mind about wishing in one hand and….
So I am not channeling J any longer. Being in control of my anger and demeanor has become a mission. I was disappointed in myself when I realized how much and often these outbursts would occur. I broke bearing, and this is not in keeping with the finest traditions.
Control is not enough, but control is what I am managing now. Do not let best get in the way of better. Real change occurs more often in steps than in jumps. I know self control is only a step on the path.
It matters to me, but how real is it. Lately no one is close enough to see it. Lately no one is in the woods to hear the noise. Someday maybe; until then I practice and change.
My melancholy is passing. I lead a team meeting Wednesday mornings. The act of putting on a happy confident face, being involved, leading helps to mollify the sadness. Change the scene, do something different, think about something else, act as if.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
