Harrier - Just saw your thread. I'm sorry, man. I didn't know you you were back. I guess I wasn't paying attention. I would have been reading earlier. I was actually headed in to work early today, but caught up on your situation instead. Sorry to hear things got rough again. I generally try not to offer too much advice but out situations are so similar, well, these were my thoughts reading this morning.
It sounds like your W was at an exciting place in her life, finished her Ph.D. and getting a position in this high-powered research group in a hospital. Imagine that was exciting and empowering, and scary as she tried to prove herself. She would get lots of positive reinforcement from her position and coworkers, and lets face it - grad school, postdocs, research, hospitals - they are all sort of soap operas, aren't they? All of this would pull her attention away, which was probably not easy for you in the first place.
Then the EA hit you.
What do we do when our spouses pull away and seem less interested or committed? We pursue, seek reassurances, want to TALK about it, try to put sex on the schedule because it is "proof" they love us and things are good for a little while, we don't want to "control" them, just have them come back to us...which feels like control to them. Heck, my anxiety sent me to IC and put me on AD meds - I told my W I thought I had GAD, and I broke down a couple times. Of course, our natural reaction backfires: makes us seem "needy", weak, less stable, and unattractive. It makes our spouses keep us at arms length and see what we do or say with suspicion. It makes sex a chore. And we start fearing "loss"...so we hold on tighter....completely natural.....and the cycle continues.
H, your W could certainly be more understanding of your position and more focused on your M. While snooping never really ends well IMO she should IMO understand that verifying things is part of rebuilding trust. Heck, wouldn't it be great if W said "I'm putting our M first and finding another position, just so you don't have to worry about this and we can go forward rebuilding our R"? I get that her position is a really great one - however, even in a field as small as hers there are dozens of other groups to work for - I know, as I'm in a similar field.
Again, you know my history and you know I probably can't be totally objective, but she is asking a lot. Should she be more understanding and patient. Sure.
But it doesn't matter. Conflict resolution 101: You've got to break the cycle.
oh, I've gone on.....and now I have to head off to work. Sorry to ramble on, H. That advice you got from your MC was the same I got. Hope you're doing ok today.
