uuugghhhh

[grr]

is all i can think right now..............hello again.

i have not posted in such a long time..........and nothing has changed

my husband and i are still living apart

we have not talked about our relationship very much....tho i know he still wants a divorce

he is on the road all summer, so i expect that he will file in september

he has moved forward with certain things
our home on the west coast is going up for sale (when he goes there for work he says he will sleep on his boat at the canyon)

for most of the time, i have just been coasting along

i no longer hold out hope that he will change his mind

i don't look at him and become upset anymore because i want his affection
i sort of feel nothing when i see him

but today............
i went to his house (it is really our house, he has been there while i am with my parents and son - i can go in as i please)

he had left something for me to retrieve
he also left his cel

and oc course i did a stupid thing

texts to friends asking about "strip clubs" that they were going to

most upsetting of all, a text from a college girl
seems the hung out and she was texting him after at 3am, asking him to come to her hotels pool the next day

he is 46 years old

so now i feel "yucky" all over again

one step forward, 10 steps back

and it is my own fault for looking

hit me with a 2x4 or 10

[dl443322]

Grr, so glad you posted. I've been thinking of you.

And I rarely take out the 2x4's, but I might make an exception. LOL!

So, you are human. But, now you know that it doesnt serve you well to snoop. You know better so you'll do better, right?

Honey, he is nowhere near being through the tunnel. He is living in lalaland trying to put a bandaid on whatever it is he needs to work through. Sad, really.

I know it doesnt feel like it, but, this has very little to do with you. His journey - he can choose to work it or bury himself in his fantasy life.

It is normal to feel you take some steps forward and then some back. There isnt a straight path here.

Please make sure that you are protected legally.

And then continue on. Time to get back on the path.

What have you been doing for you?

[Grace_O]

Hey Grr,

It usually bites us when we give in to urges we know we shouldn't. But, you knew that.

While I've never been much of a snoop, the times I have, I think I knew what I would find and somewhere in my twisted little brain I thought that somehow being faced with the cold hard truth would make it easier to cut ties. The only truth I know for sure, is that none of this is easy.

You commented that you've been coasting along. Coasting, while you get your legs back underneath you, isn't so bad IMO. And then, you have your son to raise and all the daily minutia. What do you envision yourself doing?

I'm sorry you're feeling yucky. I know it sux.

HUGS

[grr]

brooklyn and grace............always a comfort to hear from you both...i hope you know that

it truly is

yes, just call me snoopy...so awful and i got what i deserved

we don't have as much communication as we did a few months ago
i have stopped going to dinner with him and my son when he wants to take our son out

he is on the road for pretty much the whole summer

i am trying to prepare myself for the changes that will happen once is is done

i am certain that he will file

in fact i'm sure of it

i am considering moving in with my parents and letting him buy me out of our home

my parents are ill and could use the help
i guess in a way, this will stunt me.......but my son will be able to stay in the same elementary school and i don't know how many changes he would be able to deal with

i am better than i was after first reading the texts....which i know i shouldn't have done..........but really, phone right there...him away............i guess i knew i would find something

last time tho

i know that

in a way, i am glad he is starting to do these things,,and this might be skewed thinking, but i know he has to go down this path

because i guess i hope in my heart that he might see that this is not what he wants

but then again, strippers and college aged girls could be just what he might have been needing (i know that sounds snarky and i have nothing against either one)

but i guess it is possible that he will be happier

or not
ha!

and yes of course, i know i cannot sit around and wait for that possibility

i have booked a trip to hawaii with my charity in august

something to get into bikini shape for

thanks again grrrrls...it is nice to see you both

[dl443322]

Sweetie, as I said, you're human. You saw an opportunity and you took it. And you learned from it.

No one knows what the future holds. It really is best not to try to predict it. But, you must figure out your life and protect yourself and your son as best you can.

As for your h,you might think he feels happy at the moment,but, trust me, he isnt. It's also best for you not to have that mindset regarding him. It's his journey, he has to walk it.

I'm more interested in yours. Hawaii, now you're talkin'. That's my kind of charity. LOL!

You'll be ok, sweetie. I have no doubt.


I am more interested

[dl443322]

sorry, freakin edit button. Last line should have been erased.

[grr]

uggggghhhh once again

just found out from a 'crazy fan" of my husbands band, that he is flying a girl out to be with him for a few days

we have been separated for awhile but this hurts like hell

i feel stunned

i shouldn't have, but i confronted him with it

he told me it was true

i cried a little

that's it

and so the story goes.....

what will be really hard for me is with this age of internet, i find things out whether i want to or not

this is did not

hard to pick myself up today, remembering his first birthday that we were together

hope everyone is well

i really do

xo

[sofaraway]

So I always hate when we soft side things because we dont want the person feeling bad as they have already suffered enough. "Your only human" is only an excuse for behaviors that you should not have done but did because you are weak! I am not saying that to be mean but instead to wake you up to something you said.

You said you do not look at him like that anymore but clearly you do. You would not care what his phone says at this point if this were the case. You would not care who he flies out to be with him if you didnt still see something. No matter how long it takes for your marriage to resolve itself to a point where you can either move forward with him or move forward without him, you will go through periods where you reluctantly miss your life and must torture yourself by doing silly things.

We all fall back on stupid reactive behaviors from time to time because we have no fricken clue how they live with themselves and we get this silly thopught in our heads that maybe we could understand if we had some insight into their lives. It does not work that way.

Get back to your comfy place! No dumb decisions and then looking for folks to tell you its ok. When you screw up, take the hits and acknowledge that you allowed your emotions to guide your decisions. We all screw up now and again, if we own it we move forward, if we dont we will generally do it again.

I suggest you beat yourself up a bit about it because you should know better at this point and you will learn more by recognizing the mistake then you will by excusing it.

Ian

[2stepboogie]

hey grr i am glad that you are here in MLC I think it is place you belong with your H. He is clearly off his rocker.

I've heard that the MLC forum is a pretty rough forum where punches are rarely held and the advice is good and sharp but can also be somewhat brutal.

I just wanted to stop by and give you a hug.

Dumb decision will come and unless you are a robot or are so far gone emotionally from your sitch that nothing really affects you I don't see how anyone would have a hard time understanding why they happen.

Some call it snooping some call it verification of what you think you know.

I don't know. I guess it is a matter of interpretation.

Since I believe detachment happens through a series of events not based on one single action I can totally see how you would check on H. After all, their feelings are no less valuable than yours.

Are you ready for the stuff you will find though?

Probably not.

That is ok because you will get there, one way or another.

It is important for us to recognize and remember that people are in different aspects of the journey so while sometimes they need a 2x4 sometimes all they need is some encouragement.

I have followed your sitch for some time and believe completely that your H is in full blown MLC and I have read the MLC forum for awhile and think some very wise posters come here.

Chin up.

[Denver_2010]

So I always hate when we soft side things because we dont want the person feeling bad as they have already suffered enough. "Your only human" is only an excuse for behaviors that you should not have done but did because you are weak! I am not saying that to be mean but instead to wake you up to something you said.

You said you do not look at him like that anymore but clearly you do. You would not care what his phone says at this point if this were the case. You would not care who he flies out to be with him if you didnt still see something. No matter how long it takes for your marriage to resolve itself to a point where you can either move forward with him or move forward without him, you will go through periods where you reluctantly miss your life and must torture yourself by doing silly things.

We all fall back on stupid reactive behaviors from time to time because we have no fricken clue how they live with themselves and we get this silly thopught in our heads that maybe we could understand if we had some insight into their lives. It does not work that way.

Get back to your comfy place! No dumb decisions and then looking for folks to tell you its ok. When you screw up, take the hits and acknowledge that you allowed your emotions to guide your decisions. We all screw up now and again, if we own it we move forward, if we dont we will generally do it again.

I suggest you beat yourself up a bit about it because you should know better at this point and you will learn more by recognizing the mistake then you will by excusing it.

Ian

Disagree completely. "You are only human" is an acknowledgement that we ALL are subject to making mistakes... and that we are all subject to our emotions.

Grr... confronting your H about the OW he is flying out for his birthday was a perfectly natural reaction.

Even as we detach and "move forward", there are going to be times when something happens that causes us to take a step back in our progress...

This is a natural part of the process.

Does it hurt when we it happens? Of course it does. But if we don't go through the pain... if we deny it exists... then we cannot truly heal.

You should not beat yourself up over this for one second grr.

You have handled your situation with as much dignity as is possible. You have fought, you have been patient, you have been forgiving... and you have grown.

Keep your chin up and be proud of the work that you have done, and continue to do, here.

BITS
Denver