Man do I wish I had internet access at my house. I cant get online very often and really wished I had seen all your advice before yesterday. Then Maybe I wouldnt have been manipulated into responding to my H. Oh well cant turn back time. But Now I know I will not make the same mistake next time.
I totally messed up and fell for his egging me on because he text me on Monday and said: "If I were to get sober would you still be avoiding me?" I stupidly text back to him:"No, that is my deepest desire to see you get sober. I have a letter I will drop off to your house tonight if you'll accept it". He said: "Of course I will accept it,thanks - I think."
So later that night I dropped my letter off to him. The letter was something I wrote becuase I needed to somehow let him know my thoughts and feelings on this D thing since I am avoiding any contact with him ever since he left two months ago.
The letter was heart felt, short and to the point, and all "I statements", it said I will not fight him on a D if that is what he wants. It said I would rather work on our M and have allready started to do the hard work on myself by going to alanon and ridding myself slowly of my character defects. I said, I will love him forever and I understand that we just want different things in life right now. I said That due to all the things I have been through, Healing is my #1 priority, I can only fix & change myself, ETC...
Well when he got home from the bar and got the letter, he text me: "Its very evident that everytime I walk out the door, you only focus on you. I not sure you understand the amount of pain that I have been in". I said: "every marriage book I have read, counselor I've had, & alanon member all tell me not to pursue you when you leave me and to accept the fact that you do not want to be with me. I am taking the advise from many wise sources. I am sorry for the pain your choices have caused you, but I am in a lot of pain also".
He said: "Dont you recall you asking me to leave many times?" I said: "I recall me getting angry with you many times about the amount of time you spend at the bars everynight. I recall you threatening to leave me every time I brought it up. I recall our last night together I got mad about your drinking again, and you said You were leaving.I said fine, let me help ya. Then the next day, I told you you didnt have to leave and you chose to anyhow".
He said: "Its always my fault. I wanted to get sober with you but you thought it was a joke. Your depression led me to the bars everynight".I said: I sat at home sober for several weeks while you went to the bars everynight. Your alcoholism and lack of even trying to get sober made me depressed.So you must ask yourself now what is still driving you to the bars everynight, since you no longer have me around to put the blame on? Look within. No more texts tonight please."
Wow, thats the most we had talked in a long while and I see now that he is still angry, full of blame and self pity. He has no real sense of reality right now. I need to detatch much more again and not respond to his texts as I was. I guess I did it out of fear and I need to stop that fearing of a D. I need to accept the things I cannot change much more. I will work on it!! TIPPER
