I was having a tough time today, or tonight really. I think that all of this pouring my heart out scared me. I felt like I was wide open, not the self-protection mode I've been in for a long time. I was busy all day at work, so I didn't really have time to think about anything, but when I got home, I felt different, vulnerable.
H is in Ottawa, and called me when I got home. I know that he doesn't have the same access to the forum, so I didn't expect to see posts (I think they're still moderated anyway), and I knew that he was going to IKEA, but I stil started feeling so icky, like I'm setting myself up, that he isn't in to this, that he's just playing along. If he had sent me an email tonight, I don't think I would have spiraled, but I also don't want to tell him he HAS to email, etc. I clearly have to get a grip on my insecurities. They usually hit for no reason, every 3 days or so. Usually I can self-sooth, but I guess it's because he's away, and I've been reliving so much, and pouring my heart out. Which has been so good for me, but has also opened so many old doors that I think I had firmly locked.
I didn't want to call him and put pressure on him, or invoke anger again by telling him how I felt (if I in any way let him know that I had trust issues in the past, he blew, and I think he thought I did it all the time - little did he know that I censored myself 99% of the time...), but then decided to be honest. It would be up to him how he responded. He was very calm, and said that he was posting on the forum. So he didn't blow up. That's good. That's huge for him. He told me it'll take time, so he's obviously learning something from the forum!
I am hating this right now, the forgiving, the trusting, and the nagging feeling that I'm being naive and stupid.
It was easier to go full-force ahead with my life, telling myself to look after myself. And I am still doing that of course, but I am open to H too.
I will let this emotion pass. I find that if I'm down, it's a 2 day cycle if I let it move through me rather than fight it, and I feel more creative after.
H is understanding things a lot better, he is responding without anger, he is being sensitive to my fears, and I appreciate that.
Thanks again. Have a good night everyone.
On a more positive note: Anyone have suggestions for Tampa in the middle of July? H has a conference, he has smuggled me onto the trip, and I will be on the loose all day for 5 days. I hope my passport will be done. I let it expire, and the new one is scheduled to be done the DAY before I leave. I have never been to Florida. For me, travelling is all about the FOOD, and good restaurants are hard to find online, even with the rating systems.
