digging in again...feels like quicksand sometimes

[dl443322]

My friends, you have all been close in my thoughts and prayers.

I have had some rough patches the last few months. And really, that's putting it mildly.

Took some big hits health wise. And my sister has taken even bigger ones. That breaks my heart.

As a result of my health, I have had to restructure the job hunt. Things are horrible in my state. There are so many people all vying for the same small pool of jobs.

House is still in foreclosure.

Finances are in the tank.

But the thing that has me the most pained is my son. He is still so lost, still so ungrounded.

I have little contact with my xh. My choice. I think if it were up to him, there would be more. But, I am just not up to that right now.

For a long time, I was not looking to have anyone special come into my life. Not only because I still felt married, but, because I still had a lot of work to do on me.

Through no doing of my own, someone has entered.

I post this because I know there are others who might be traveling this road who might gain some insight.

He has his own issues and lives over 2 hours away. He really is a good friend. I enjoy his company.

I made it clear to him what I have been through. I also made it clear that I am not interested in looking at anything long term at this time.

I have a lot of stuff to deal with. I need them dealt with first.

Poor guy didnt know what he was getting himself into when he asked me out. LOL!

First date in almost 34 years. To say I was a fish out of water is an understatement.

Felt strange, this. And a little wrong. I know it isnt. I am divorced. But, it did.

I was me. Brooklyn. Warts and all. That part felt good.

I think that he already cares about me. But, I am careful to let him know that I have stuff to deal with and I am just living life in the present. I would not want to hurt him in anyway, so, I am extremely honest in word and action.

So, another part of this journey is unfolding.

I ask that you please pray for my son and my sister. As for me, well, I could use a little pray, too.

So as not to disappoint, this is a part of the last conversation I had with my xh. Still deep in it all.

He: Hey, B. Thought I'd call. Son said you havent been feeling well lately.

Me: Thanks. That was very nice of you.

He: So, is there anything I can do?

Me: (Silently, in my head - yeah, can you give me back all the money you took, do the right thing for your son? how about that?) I knew that would not get me anywhere, so I said, Nope, but thanks.

He: Ok, because you know, we did have all those years together.

Me: Yes, we did.

He: That's gotta count for something.

Me: You would think.

He: That's funny.

me: yeah, funny, kinda like when you stick a needle in your eye. right?

He: What? Wait! B - you have a sick sense of humor.

Me: Yeah, I do.

He: I miss that.

My friends, I didnt bang my head against the wall. I was too busy kicking my barefoot against it.

You cant make this stuff up.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Prayers Brooklyn.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Prayers and Hugs.
Admire your restraint with your XH Brooklyn. I want you in my foxhole.

[dl443322]

Thanks Jack.

Thanks to you, too, SC. I've been at this a long time. It is through trial and error that I learned patience and restraint. Serves no purpose to react otherwise with him.

I've been told that before, SC, about wanting me in their foxhole. I appreciate it. Truth be told, I am a good one to have on one's side.

I am thankful for what this has all taught me. And humbled by the people who helped me learn it.

[Cadet]

Hey B I live 2 hours from you, but just so everyone here knows it wasn't me. hehehe.

Never a dull moment thats for sure.

Hope your health gets better.

Thats whats important!

[job]

B,
My thoughts and prayers are w/you and your family. I am so sorry to hear about the health issues that you and your sister are both experiencing.

As for your xh, you've handled his bs extremely well over the years. I honestly do not know how you've managed it w/everything you had to deal w/and continue to deal with.

I'm sending you hugs this evening and warm wishes for everything to settle down for you and your health to improve. Take the relationship slowly and he's not blind...he's more than aware of what is going on in your life and he's there w/his eyes wide open. B, enjoy the friendship and if it's meant to be, it will blossom into something more permanent. Take each day as it comes. Okay?

[dl443322]

Hey Cadet, you live two hours from me??? Cool! Thanks for the good wishes.

Snodderly, thank you always for your kind words. I promise to take each day as it comes.

I know my friend sees what is going on in my life. I would just never want to hurt his feelings in any way. I have seen it happen on here and in real life and so I take great care to be honest and open.

It really is very early into whatever this is. I am just blessed to have another friend in my life right now.

As far as my xh, I really just try to be true to myself and I try not to react as it serves no real purpose. Some times I can manage it, sometimes not, but, always that is the goal.

I do have a lot on my plate. I do get overwhelmed at times. It is then that I drop to my knees. Although doing that takes some effort and persistence on my part as my legs have a mind of their own.

[AntoniaB]

Hi Brooklyn,

I'm glad you updated as I've been wondering about you for awhile now :-)

I've gone through a few weeks of beating myself up for not being farther along, and in a way reading your post gave me comfort, because I feel like if you, of anyone here, sometimes feel like you're in quicksand, then I know that what I perceive of my own "lack of progress" is just normal, par for the course.

I really take a lot of comfort in your posts. I often think of you when I pray. Sometimes I don't FEEL like praying for my XH to heal or find his path, because anger gets in the way, but then I always think about you and Eric, who has also been an enormous help to me, and you guys give me the strength to see past my own hurt and think kindly on my XH, so thank you for that.

I am happy you have a friend. I actually joined eharmony to find some new friends--my doctor recommended it strongly, my friends did. I got on there and immediately felt it was all wrong. I bailed out on one man immediately. But then I saw someone who just seemed nice, and I sent a very polite note just saying could we maybe be friends? And he has been a great new connection to me. I think he's had some bad relationships too, and he is very much a "I want things to be slow as possible, I want to be good friends. Some day we can meet, but for now let's just get to know one another."

No pressure at all. Just a friendship.

I think it's wonderful when we can meet people like this. It restores our sense that some people out there are good for us and we're good for them. I think it's important that we make these connections so we don't become completely soured on love and relationships as a result of what we've been through. So I'm glad to hear that you have made this connection (or rather that the connection seems to have sought you out).

Like you I keep digging in, and it's hard, but you and so many people here are such a comfort. Knowing that others feel the same pain is the best we can hope for as we know we aren't alone.

Big hugs to you, Brooklyn. You continue to be an inspiration to me.

[dl443322]

Antonia, thank you so much for what you have written.

I know that it is difficult to see past the anger you have for your xh at times. But I have always believed that once I worked through the anger, it began to hold me back and sap my energy. So, I forgave my ch for me.

He is the father of my only child and someone who was in my life for many, many years, I loved him deeply. So, praying for him was naatural for me.

Right now, the digging in doesnt have to do with my xh or our sitch. It has to do with my health, my son's health, my home, my financial situation and not having a full time job and health benefits. While my xh has contributed to some of that, it is my path to walk. And walk it I will.

A, do what feels right for you. There is no timeline. We all get to where we need to be in our own time, in our own way.

The important thing is to keep moving forward. It can be in tiny steps. It doesnt matter.

I start each day with the thought that I am going to be the best me I can be that day. I am going to live my life being true to myself, and living it as I believe God wants me to. Some days I make it, some days I dont. But that is always my goal.

While I understand your doctor and your friends want the best for you, it is ultimately your life. You do what you feel is right for you.

Hang in there, sweetie. You are doing wonderfully.

[irishblessings]

Brooklyn - you always amaze me! First thing first - I am thrilled that you have someone who is showing you care and interest. I can think of NO ONE who deserves it more than you! Your XH is just plain crazy - but then we all have those stories:) You and your family have my prayers - PMA, PMA -
IB