When the LBS truly forgives themselves and let's go of a past they can't fix or change, the ability to see and make correct decisions for themselves is what turns them into the one walking away.
As for me, I've seen things in me that I would have NEVER seen if this hadn't had happened. For that I am truly appreciative. As for my ex, she still checks, she still plays the game, a game she has yet to learn how to play differently. Not because she doesn't want to; but because she doesn't know any better. I'm sad for her.
My opinion, she doesn't know what I have changed or what she will miss. Until she has the ability to figure that out for herself, there is NO way I'm just going to sit here and live in the past. Point? Own your part; Fix you; and move on. Turn it over to a higher power, validate her, don't judge. Be angry, but accept that you are in control of you and you alone. Your feelings should be constantly evaluated by YOURSELF.
She will always have to remember or think about me. Me? I will only remember what I did wrong and what can I do differently now.
This is a GREAT post and a great perspective that you have offered, Faith/AK. It may or may not be about forgiveness or making 'correct' decisions, but many LBS become WAS. The WHY's are various. Taking it (getting together) S L O W seems to be key. My own perspective is we build our skills and our standards so much more quickly when we learn to DB or use other methods. We expect more. We understand we're worth so much. We want/expect so much more from a relationship and we know we're willing to give it and give a certain level of commitment.
It doesn't work that way, at least a good deal of the time. And yet, some of us aren't willing to compromise or bend at a certain level.
YOU CHOOSE what YOU can live with. And I think that's what a good deal of you are talking about when you talk about setting boundaries.
EACH PERSON MAKES THEIR CHOICE for their own relationship/life.
What troubles me about 25's post is she comes off as if she knows every sitch.
I will not just follow every poster like sheep to a Shepard.
There is truth to her post for some and BS for others.
It depends on each individual sitch.
But I refuse to be a sheep.
There ARE LBS'ers that are truly genuine in their M. That were wronged by a WAS. Not that they did EVERYTHING right. But they gave everything they had to the marriage.
But of course we rarely discuss that possibility here.
And let me state that I am not in any way angry.
Just giving a different perspective.
25 speaks from her experience and her experience only SBH. If you, or anyone else who reads her posts, can't relate, well, ignore it. All I can say is that there is so much in what she has said on my thread that has given me a very valuable perspective for my situation.
I'm not sure what the status is with your sitch because you haven't updated it for a very long time. But you seem to be spending a lot of time being critical of the insight and advice being given out on other threads. Makes me wonder if things aren't so rosy in your world right now.
And maybe you are looking at this all wrong... maybe you were/are not the LBS in your sitch... maybe YOU are the WAS. Have you thought about that possibility? You claim to have been a very good H... And I don't have any evidence to dispute that... and you seem to continue to have some real issues with your W's behavior during the time that you were posting, ie, her EA. So, are you the WAS right now?
I think that might explain why you are having trouble relating to us LBS's who understand that we played a huge role in driving our WAS's to walk away.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
What troubles me about 25's post is she comes off as if she knows every sitch.
I will not just follow every poster like sheep to a Shepard.
There is truth to her post for some and BS for others.
It depends on each individual sitch.
But I refuse to be a sheep.
There ARE LBS'ers that are truly genuine in their M. That were wronged by a WAS. Not that they did EVERYTHING right. But they gave everything they had to the marriage.
But of course we rarely discuss that possibility here.
And let me state that I am not in any way angry.
Just giving a different perspective.
I know your situation and I think you are not being honest with the board or yourself. Go back and read your old posts.
As was once said here, it is very rare for a person to leave a happy, fulling and complete marriage. Now maybe you are the .00001%. The in that case, this site is of no use to you anymore.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Hi all- Kind of new here but I've looked around here for a while. This exchange struck me as so significant that I simply have to put my two cents in.
IMO, until you can REALLY look at your part in the state of the marriage AND forgive yourself for that, there is very little hope for being able to get past whatever the WAS does or did.
It is their responsibility to eventually come to terms with their choices and actions. In the meantime (and it could be forever), your only option (thus NOT an option unless you consider avoiding reality an option) is to get comfortable with your past in the marriage.
"Feel with it and deal with it"
I did the same over the last year. And it's really quite surprising that after really looking at all that I did and didn't do; should and shouldn't have done in my marriage (in divorce process now) despite the initial regret and self-bashing over 'Why didn't I figure this out sooner?', I've actually come out stronger and wiser than before. Yet initially I was afraid to dig that deep for fear of discovering how wrong I was. Oddly, THAT made me stronger (not to mention wiser)
I have read the DB book (saw it referenced on another site) and the ultimate endpoint is to save YOU. If the marriage is saved then that is a bonus.
This is a self-analysis and self-IMPROVEMENT process wether we are dealing WAS or MLC.
So it is with kindness and empathy that I suggest you really dig into the posts above by 25, DbMod and Faith and ask yourself the HARD questions.
Take the focus off your spouse and put the microscope on you. It will pull you away from expectation and mind reading and really give you a humility that will be required as you go forward.
Forgive me if I'm all over but I'm new. I hope to get better with time.
Control is impossible Detach from the emotion of this Be your natural self Earn back your self-respect Assign responsibility equally Realize this process will improve you
b/c you never answered the questions asked of you. You posted a cursory "I fixed all my issues!"
and then you left the questions posed, ignored...
you just hurl out your assertions, repeatedly which I guess is the reason you post. You don't ask for advice or take any. Nothing I say will make an bit of difference to you.
So I won't bother wasting your time, on your situation.
But as for your comment that I know "all" situations...
I believe there IS a univeral concept applicable to ALL of our situations &
I stand by that.
I submit that since the sole dimension of our painful situations, over which we actually do have control, regardless of why or how we got here....or who is "to blame"
is that we can only control our own behavior.
So We ALL have to LET GO of trying to control/edit/critisize/ or judge
our spouse's. Period.
We must own our part, to do our best to improve, and leave the results up to God.
For some, DBing is almost Radical. For some, it's a Godsend. For some, it's too hard.
If that's the case for you, go elsewhere. Why must we defend the approach espoused here? No one forced you here.
We're supposed to help each other see our own roles in the marital problems we're facing, for obvious reasons. This benefits US no matter what else happens.
We're NOT here to bash and condemn the WAS, but we can validate the pain of the LBSer, & show them how to get through it. We can help set and enforce healthy boundaries. There is a crucial difference between condemning the WAS past behavior, and helping the LBSer.
BTW, NO ONE HERE, including MWD, or me, thinks ALL marriages must be saved, let alone at all costs.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I will not duck everyones critisizm of my take on the WAS situation. I am here and I will answer the questions.
Yes, I guess you could say I am a success story. My W has cut off all ties, wants to be married, and wants to spend "forever" together. We ML all the time again and do lots of things together. So from that aspect I guess I have been a successful DB'er.
I don't claim to have all the answers, nor did I try to offend. I'm simply tired of the constant bashing each and every LBS takes upon themselves.
WE need to look back and change
WE need to do better
WE need to treat our S better
WE WE WE WE WE
And after all is said and done, the WAS has the CHOICE to stay or go. The WAS makes the final decision. This after MANY OF THEM do more hurt than can be imagined. And we wait for them.
And you know why?
Because WE allow it.
We tell them things like:
"I am here for you".
"Here, let me help you move all my stuff to your new home".
"If you need to talk after having sex with OM, I will be here for you".
"I want to be your friend".
"Oh and W, if you need a set of Ba!!s, you can have mine as I really don't need them any more".
And I am not speaking from any anger. I am in no way upset or hurt by my W actions. I am confused why I put up with it. I know the answer why, but I don't like it.
It wasn't love first and foremost.
It was fear.
In my mind there is more right and more wrong in life which I understand some on this board don't agree with.
And I will keep you all posted on my decision to stay with or leave my W.
The nice thing about piecing and gaining a comfort level is you get to reflect on your situation WITHOUT fear or emotion. You get to decide if staying IS really the best option.
Sometimes one little kiss is enough 25. Sometimkes one EA (even one that lasts only 45 days) is to many. I just haven't decided yet.
As MWD says, DB'ing is about finding yourself. Finding what you deserve. Finding your happiness. And finding a person that would not cheat.
I really do like you all and admire everyones strength. And I look forward to reading great success stories in the future.
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
For me, I was a waste of life, husband and father for about 2 years.
I also use my friends posts to help formulate my advice.
Each LBS contributed to the failing marriage.
Maybe you didn't.
I'm not going to try to convince you that you did.
Horses and water...and just because I think it's water, doesn't mean it is.
Personal attacks are not advised. I am not pointing anyone out, I am just typing that outloud.
There is one thing that I feel must be brought up.
Quote:
As MWD says, DB'ing is about finding yourself. Finding what you deserve. Finding your happiness. And finding a person that would not cheat.
That is a misquote. Be careful with those.
What she has written, in regard to the LBS:
Divorce Remedy (Beating the Odds pg - 43 hardcover)
First, you, not your spouse, are going to have to do the lion's share of the work here...you are going to have to prove that life together can be different. You may not like the fact that this feels so one-sided, but for now, I say, "That's too bad." That's just how it is. Get used to this idea, swallow your pride, and push up your sleeves.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
