Slowly we unfurl, as lotus flowers

[♪CS♪]

25, thank you for stopping in, I really appreciate it.

But that's not the case with CS's wife. She's openly miserable. She's NOT having the best of either world and it's painfully obvious to her (and me). True, this isn't necessarily moving her towards CS either b/c she thinks things have gone too far, (my first guess)

BOY HAVE I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS A LOT!!!

So many times I have wanted to somehow show her something to make her believe otherwise, but the reality is there is nothing I can do. I could tell her I forgive her, but my words won’t make her believe it. It also doesn’t fix the issue if she cannot forgiver herself.

TBH, I can completely understand. I can see how she would believe there is no way we could ever be happy with each other again after what has happened. I could not say 100% she would be wrong either.

I know this, it would be a very tough road putting all of this behind us and moving forward if she ever did want to try.

She has shown a lot lately that she is not happy. However, it is tough to know if it is due to her grief of losing her father, or anything to do with us.

AND OR because she still thinks she can somehow pull off a better life without marriage to him, down the road. Clearly it's not now.

Of course this does have to be hanging out there as well. I am sure she does see some light at the end of the tunnel. Who knows if that light will ever dim.

and what we are seeing is her stalling out.

I am HOPING that it means she's getting close to hitting the wall where she really has to look at the choices she has made and whether she's truly happier with these choices and IF NOT, what can she do about that...

But she's only beginning that stage imo. I hope CS can live his life well enough and happily enough that it doesn't matter to him all that much, what his w does...b/c HE is alright, no matter what. That means, among other things, NOT reading into everything.

CS til she SAYS OR DOES something about more time with you...none of this other stuff, matters much. Enjoy the fact that she is not a witch to you. It matters and it's a good thing, no question.

But that only means, she's not a witch to you. Let that be enough for now. No conflicts....and you live your life. Let her discover whatever it is she needs to discover to wake up. When she does, she may decide she's in a different place and is not interested in a reconciliation. We cannot know yet. She doesn't know.

This is what is so tough. I still crave some control I guess. I’m just being honest here. I want to be able to do something that may help. I at least want to know what I am doing is not hurting.

This is really the part of all of this I struggle with so much. The unknown. The doubting.

Day to day, I have a lot of good times. Shoot, I can even say I am happy much of the time. I have many things I enjoy. I just still think WAY too much. I question what I am doing and whether I should be doing something else.

No guarantees. Patience. Lack of control. These are still my BIG struggles.