Oh, how many of us can relate, LP. The bills thing is hilarious, right? My W has split the cell and others right down the middle and has even sent me the patient responsiblity portion of my IC sessions that were conducted before she filed--very petty.
I would really re-read going dark threads. It's not until you shift your mindset from doing them or 180's to get W's attention to doing them truly for you, LP. It's a powerful mindset shift and you will know when it shifts, believe me..and it feels da@# good!
I see your point of standing up for myself. I will give her the garage door opener back but I will tell her I'm keeping a key to the house we both own. She will be paying the mortgage with some of the monthly support I'm giving her.
D1, I'm not sure about Going Dark. One real problem she had was that I didn't talk enough about me, her or non-child topics during our marriage. It was always about the children's sports or activities so a 180 would be to talk more about general stuff. Going Dark would be more of the same behavior that got us into to this sitch.
Obviously trying to talk to someone who doesn't want to talk is pursuing.
On the other hand she has brought up several times in the past couple of months that I don't talk to her. I've also snooped a couple of times and seen it in emails to her friend. To me seems like she doesn't want to talk but then she will complain either to me or others that I don't talk.
Maybe a successful 180 be starting to talk more to everyone else besides my wife.
Married 15 years 3 children 13, 12, 10 1st D bomb Jan 09 2nd D bomb Feb 11 I moved out June 11
It's been a long 5 months since I moved out but I've learned to detach from her.
Today is our 16th wedding anniversary. I won't mention it when she drops the children off at my apartment. I doubt she will. She has been very short and unfriendly during our conversations about the kids recently.
Married 15 years 3 children 13, 12, 10 1st D bomb Jan 09 2nd D bomb Feb 11 I moved out June 11
Hello, We've been separated 9 months and essentially not much has changed.
We did go see a mc for 6 sessions in December and January. I hoped she was ready to talk about reconciling but it turned into 6 sessions of her listing all her problems with me. The new part was her saying that she felt like I was her abuser and that we had an abusive relationship. There was no physical abuse. There was no yelling by me. I didn't listen to her, support her in her fights with her family and mine. I didn't deal with her emotional needs as I should. The "abuse" was 5 years ago when she and I had sex after 1+ years of not being intimate. There was no coercion on my part, just me being insensitive about how while she was saying yes, she felt like she was being used. After 6 sessions of her expressing her negative feelings toward me and how impossible it would be to get back together neither of us wanted to continue.
Now, my wife can't deal with the uncertain future. She is pushing for us to make a decision to Divorce or Get back together. She has stated she wants to get divorced because she only loves me as if I'm family or one of her children. Tonight when she called she brought up again how she sees me as her abuser and that how I haven't come to terms with my abuse of her. I won't admit what I did. She also stated that she sees her mother as her abuser (wife hasn't talked to mother or brothers in 2 years)
She also said that she needs to be strong and file paperwork to get started on divorce.
Should I respond to her concerns about me being her abuser? During therapy I've told her how I wasn't supportive and understanding of her needs, that I understand how she thinks us having sex was me being her abuser.
How should I respond to her wanting to file for divorce? She wants to do a collaborative divorce. I feel as if she wants a divorce she should file.
Mike
Married 15 years 3 children 13, 12, 10 1st D bomb Jan 09 2nd D bomb Feb 11 I moved out June 11
