Okay folks: That doesnt mean NC or going dark, I have done that with results I cant read. I have to drop the rope and not really care what she is doing.
So the question then becomes, did you go dark to elicit a change in your W, or did you go dark for your own sake, for your own healing?
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
I am attempting NC because it helps me accept her choices right now. I dont want to know if she is asking about me, I dont want to know that " here comes the downward spiral" I just want to accept what she has done, what she appears to want in her life and to then live my life the best I can.
Contact with her frankly is too painful. It has me longing for her and our family. It makes me want. This doesnt allow me to progress.
So the answer is, I NEED this to really change.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
9, I think that's the point mach and I were trying to make. You go dark/NC for *you*, to remove yourself from the sitch, to make healing easier without adding more drama to it. But, your comments seem to indicate you were also doing it to get a reaction or results from W. That's a side-effect. Even if it does happen, you can't concern yourself with it AT ALL.
I think it will be easier if you can get to know this on not just an intellectual basis, but on an emotional one also.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
I dont want to know if she is asking about me, I dont want to know that " here comes the downward spiral" I just want to accept what she has done, what she appears to want in her life and to then live my life the best I can.
Not to induce a reaction, but regardless the reaction...
I owe it to her mother to go to that memorial service.
Nine, please explain why there is another memorial service. It is a custom practiced within her family, and is there a memorial service annually for all those who are deceased?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
LP and Mach: Yes it makes sense what you are saying. The emotional level is the hardest to attain though. Damn emotions
Sandi: Her mother died March 15 and the cremated her without a wake or anything other than the immediate family having some dinners together.
This is the official memorial where there will be a eulogy and extended family. I will make an appearance and thats all. I will not go back to the "drinking " and family gatherings this time. I only hope that OM is not there. That would make it awkward for me and many others but I have no control of that. I am hoping he doesnt show but I will prepare myself if he does.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Nothing really to report today. She does text me everyday with something. Like yesterday was about how much she enjoyed the party and that oldest son really looked like he had a good time.
I didnt say this to her but i wanted to say, " wake up knuckle head, when we are together and engaging as a family, he is happy is it that difficult of a concept?" but I didnt.
She also texted me about making plans for the summer with the kids. She informed me that she would be taking a trip with the kids and that I should give her the dates I was planning.
I guess that is reasonable but it seems to me sometimes that she just needs to text me something but I dont reply
Should I ?
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
I guess that is reasonable but it seems to me sometimes that she just needs to text me something but I dont reply
Should I ?
IMO, you shouldn't reply. But then, I didn't think she should have been invited to the son's BD party.
She uses the TM as a means to keep her hold on you. She wants to hang on to family activities and chat with you, but she doesn't want to be a faithful W. From what you have said from the TM's, it could all have been done without....or it could have all been said in a few minutes. She looks for reasons to text you. If she left you alone, I think you would be able to move forward with your life. She's doing the same thing as picking at a scab and the sore won't heal. Does she text when OM is over at her house?
Let me ask you something, you were talking about her making a statement about some flower plants. Has everything around the house pretty much stayed the way it was when she was living there?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
