First posted here in Feb-11, shortly after W moved out. Had all my posts removed shortly thereafter as I was paranoid someone I know might read them. Since the I've lost that phobia. Here's the update:
W has EA with painting contractor who worked on our kitchen remodel last fall 2010. Starts seeing him for beers. I protest (she says he's gay), and this drives her further toward him and into MLC. I am a typical oblivous H, and do not see what's coming whatsoever. She spends New Years Day with him at his aunt & uncle's family dinner, comes home that evening, I get the ILYBIDLY speech. Says she needs space and time to think (you all know the lines by heart). Temmporarily we rent a studio apartment during Jan-11. However,this spurs her EA into a PA, and by the end of Jan-11, she moves into a rented farmhouse. I'm still trying to process this, but want to believe her new "friend" is just that (delusional on my part, no real understanding of MLC).
Our separation is informal and the kids are to start staying with her every other week. D17 refuses to go and W does not push it. D13 stays there the 1st night and overhears W talking to OM on mom's "secret" cell phone, also reads her texts with him next morning. She's upset to be the one to discover mom's cheating and comes home. Neither kid stays at W's house for next 2 months. Both continue to live with me, but visit her for dinner. D13 has stayed maybe 6-7x in last 5 months / D17 has stayed overmight only 1x.
By early Apr-11, things deteriorate. My DB skills are horrible as I'm too caught up in the roller coaster and trauma. W who is usually non-confrontational, files for D. I lawyer up also. Both attorneys are snakes, and we both despise them and how the invaded our lives.
Next we enter mediation. This goes better. However, we have glitch in that we have a significant real estate asset that must be sold and divided. Problems is a massive tax bill if we don't trade (1031 exchange) the asset into something else. Long story, but we can't keep the existing asset but do need to trade it as this is 100% our combined retirement. I talk her into dropping the D while we work on trading the asset into another form of real estate. She agrees and the D case / laywers are dismissed in early Jun-11. It will take 8 to 12 months to complete this transaction. After which, we have agreed to file for divorce, but then continue as business partners to equally share the income / ownership of the new asset. This has bought me time, but is also in both our long run best interests when / if D is final.
So here's the sitch:
1) She is still in "casual" R with OM (they do not live together, but appear to be best friends). He is single and has a lot of single friends her are now part of her new life. He is also an affable 45-year old loser with medical marijuana card, lives with his relatives, and has never owned a home, never married, no kids (Peter Pan - the perfect partner for a MLC woman).
2) Children are supposed to have dinner at her house every other week, but generally refuse to stay with her (very troubled by OM). In reality, kids only go to her place maybe 2-3x per during her week, as they are very busy, well adjusted girls (excellent grades, both in leadership, D17 is state president for all student councils). I have drawn clear boundaries about OM being around them, as I don't think that would be healthy at present. All of us have been in family counseling. C indicates problem lies between daughters and W, and said yes, she is MLC and may not even understand her transition and what is happening.
3) I've learned my lessons and do no argue or challenge W any longer. Our interactions are now very amicable. I know the absense of her children increasingly bothers her. She is the non-confrontational sort, and just hopes they will come to accept her new life in time. I am supportive of the kids visiting her and she knows this.
4) Been working my best DB skills and over the last 2 months, have made great strides in R with W. Just want her to realize what and whom she's missing. Finances are not our problem. Her guilt will stem from the loss of her beloved daughters. She did an awesome job raising them. While we are not religeous, we did instill strong morals / ethics in them, and this has come back to haunt her as the know her actions are unacceptable.
5) Over the past few months, I've read all the newcomer links and ready many individual's threads. Learned a ton, but know the odds for any MLC sitch to reconcile are low. MLC can be a very long process. The delay in our D due to the real estate trade has bought us / me time. In retrospect, she entered Denial in Spring 2010, Anger / Replay stages in Oct-2010, and remains there today though Replay appears to be winding down. If I had to guess, she should be due to enter Depressions stage this fall 2011 or just past Christmas. Acceptance is a ways off, but could happen by next Spring 2012 based on her trajectory. This is enough to give me hope for an Awakeninng, but again, I remain realistic.
I have succesfully detached (in her view) and we only communicate when need be. GAL has been tough, as I am now a full time dad. I was a workaholic professional who has cut way back on work. I failed to focus on male friendshps, but I am trying expand my horizons. No OW in my life, as I've got no interest. My only goal is to be a shining example to my girls during this traumatic time. Period.
Am interested in any input or reflections, especially from other H's with MLC W's, or MLC mothers (especially those who seem detached from their children). Thank-you and bless all of you.
JTB .. glad to see you're still here and ready with the reality checks. You're a hard boiled cuss, but a straight shooter for sure.
I am fortunate to have many male friends, and many who care about my sitch. Been doing a lot of stream fishing with buddies in the High Cascades this summer, so that's been most theraputic. Some good wineries and wine tasting in our region, so that's been fun with friends too. Got to constantly remind mystelf to just make the time and plan ahead.
By "odds", I mean it pays to be realistic. No one is handicapping this game or placing bets. I hope for the best, but prepare for my own future either way. I'm lucky in that my W at least acts sane and is very congenial (her halmark over the years), so drama is not part of our sitch. Once I got into her vibe and quite fighting the sitch, all has gone much better. At least it will make for a better divorce and co-parenting down the line.
Yes, I have time, and that is my ally. My W's MLC would have been a most facinating process to watch had it not involved the life of my kids and I! What I've learned most is to try and emphathize with my W's struggles. GAL has also been most important, and that's coming along just fine. Again, being there for my kids is #1.
So as you said, who knows what will happen at the end of the next 8 months. I try not to concern myself with her personal life, and she with mine. I am at peace either way.
By MLC H's, I mean those with wayward W's. It's her detachment from the kids which puzzles me most.
Hey MLC World welcome back to the best worst place in the world to be.
Don't know if you have read my normal welcoming threads with all the links?
If you want it I will be more than happy to put it on your thread.
For the moment keep reading and asking questions. Their is a wealth of knowledge here.
Besides GAL activities what are you doing when you look in the mirror? What changes are you making to YOU? This is a hard question and not one I "EXPECT" an answer from right now. But it is something that you do have to think about and work on.
But any ways keep your expectations low. And start enjoying the gift that you wife has given you.
Yup, read your Newcomers threads many a time and they have been extremely helpful over the past months. However, putting me on your threads would still be greatly appreciated.
Actually, I've been lurking this forum board since I went off grid in Feb-11. Just been in too much pain during the initial roller coaster ride to even think about posting online. But I definitely have been reading and learning. Some incredibly wise folks here who've been through it and then some.
Changes to me? Well, I'm still a better father for one. My kids will know in the end what a stalwart parent and adult acts like. Not too concerned about the long run, as the future will unfold either way. Found that my retirement plans can and will be altered, but I like what I do for a living and really never have to retire. I've been honest with my shortcomings to myself and these have helped me in dealing with my W. Listening is one of these that's come a long ways. However, I have stopped blaming myself for her MLC. She had some damage early on in life. I still consider her a wonderul person, just highly confused. However, she's an adult and needs to live with her decisions.
Time is definitely a gift, and I plan to not squander it. Her temporarily calling off the legal dogs so we can work out our finances is a break neither attorney could believe. The vampires were really set to suck us dry, so I'm sure they were extremely disappointed. However, I've got come through on my end of the bargain, otherwise they will be back. For now, I acknowledge we will move forward with the D once all the real estate matters are put to rest. In the mean time, I keep in my "Go Dark" mode and only worry about my own life. If she wakes up great. If not, I will hopefully have gotten off cheap and we will have maintained our investments. This opportunity is mine to blow. Every setback I've had in the last 6 months I can trace to my own anger. However, after sticking my finger in that light socket a number of times, I've finally "got it" that I absolutely have to keep my mouth shut and my emotions in check.
Best first gift she gave me though was a 25 lb weight loss in the first 45 days! Man, thought I'd never fit those jeans again. Plus my blood pressure is now low / normal where it had been boardline high for the past decade! Sleep is back to normal, and the kids and are all getting along well. Summer is here and the sleepovers are in full force. Exercising regular helps greatly. Been visiting colleges with D17 last few months (she does not want mom on these trips, but I always ask). Made sure that they got her B-day and Mom's Days cards & gifts, as this is considerate coparenting. They will make their peace with her one day, but for now they seek the stability of their own home. Not saying life is a bed of roses, and I sure still really miss my W. But I understand the situation much better now and know not to expect much. W just seems to be caught in a fantasy, though she seems to be more at peace with her choices (not mad at me all the time). Hard to say, as she's in the tunnel though. As they say, we shall see ...
MLC World, Your sitch and mine sound about the same except my W anger at me is always there. She blames me for how she feels and uses that anger to move ahead in her journey.
My W has basically abandoned 2 of the 3 kids which is what you were asking. They see her once in a while but she seems OK with it that way. The ironic thing is she tells people she is a great mother and is really close to the 2 oldest. How you can see your oledest once every two weeks and be close i don't know.
My wifes denial started in June 2009 with the bomb in March 2010 and continues in the tunnel today full blown. i have been able to detach and do a good good job at GAL'ing. I really don't see my wife coming out of this fog but I have given her the benefit and can empathise somewhat with the sitch.
Hang in ther MLC world. We will all benefit from this whether we salvage our Marraige or not. Keep being there for your kids. Thats my main focus as well.
Read many of your posts, but not all. Interesting how a W and mother can detach from children she prized so much. Especially when all considered them excellent mothers.
Your W's been gone 1.5 years or since 1/10, right? Is there OM in you W's MLC fantasy? The fact she has not filed for divorce in so long is good news in my book. The OM really sped up my W's need for independence, that's for sure. Got my blood boiling, we both got sucked into the D machine, and only got out to sort out our finances before the attornies bled us dry.
My wife too basks in her accomplishments as both our girls are well regarded and standout students. Far as I can tell, my W's not admitted to having a BF / OM in her life to anyone from her old life. My W moved to the next town over, lives on a secluded 70-acre farm, and pretty much lives a very secretive life with all new friends (mostly met through the OM). She was a stay at home mom all these years, so of course, I finance everything. I know she's not proud of her actions, so she keeps a low profile by design (smart actually). However, the kids are smart too, so they are not buying into it, no matter how congenial she is. Time will heal some of this, but not all until the clown (I mean OM) is finally gone. He has limited financial means and cannot support her.
We too were a considered a loving couple by our friends and family. Alwayks holding hands, hugging, long conversation or coffee or wine. However, I lost her in the last year or two while I was not paying attention. It's hard when your BF goes AWOL, but that's the cards we were dealt. Ugh. :-(
I am lucky though, as I have not had to deal with the anger issues from her for the past two months. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there Spirit, as the ending to your storyline appears far from certain. Your wife sounds more confused than angry to me. Both our W's exist in fantasies, that's for sure.
Spirit ... one more thing. When you had your own MLC, was there OW involved? Did you separate from your family? Were your kids impacted greatly? Did they forgive you, or chose to forget our MLC occurred? Or was your MLC mild by comparison to your W? Just curious. Thanks! World
Here too my H who I considered a good father rarely sees his children. When he does it has only been because I initiated it. That blows my mind how a parent can do that.
Looked at a few of your posts. So sorry about the alcohol abuse Runs in both sides of our family and introduces a whole host of other negative variables into your sitch. Hang in there and get some support group help if possible.
Kind of nosey, but what is your sitch (years married, together, # of kids, date bomb dropped, etc.)? Could not find it in your posts.
Boy I understand the lies, but those have dropped off since W decided to admit to OM. She remains unrepentent and has moved on with her life. Big 180 for my W is now she's a pot smoker! She always hated pot due to weight gain issues. Now she works out daily, and well, OM is a stoner house painter, so she she says not to judge since I smoked pot in H.S. and college. I just shake my head. Again, all this would be very comical if it were not my life.
Thanks in advance for sharing and allowing me to ramble.
