Harrier

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Fear is a huge part of it Harrier.

One of those sounds good on paper excercises I recommend and did myself.

What are you afraid of, phobia-wise?

For me, I'd say heights...but that's not really true...Falling however, and ledges. I can be on an airplane and I'm not scared...

So I started facing my fears, facing them down. I learned after going on one that stupid ride that slings you into the air and lets you bounce 20 times on a bungie cord...

Fear holds you back. It limits you, puts you in self made shackles.

Fear can be healthy, but not if it paralyzes you.

[Harrier]

Well jack since of of my fears is death...not much I can do about that.

It's funny you should mention about fears. My wife works with a psychologist who treats a lot of anxiety disorders including phobias. He's been on Oprah, Hoarders and had a show on VH-1. His new show is about ...phobias.

My other fears is of being alone - I have to quantify that. I mean with my family, kids. I won't really be alone. I guess I'm thinking along the lines of romantic love.

I need to ruminate on this.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

smartass. : )

You only have those two fears?

Spiders, bees, snakes?

Talking phobias, not the fears that keep us awake at night.

[Harrier]

How's this for a smartass?

When I was a teenager and my mom would cal me a smartass (in a joking way), I'd say I'd rather be a smartass than a dumbass.

I was thinking about this during my lunch run.

I don't think I'm afraid of being alone really, I'm afraid of being lonely.

but back to phobias - I can't think of any that I really have. I'm more afraid of situations. Like I'm not claustrophobic, but the idea of being crawling through a long pipe where I can't see the end gives me the willies.

But I get your point.

[Still learning]

Harrier - Just saw your thread. I'm sorry, man. I didn't know you you were back. I guess I wasn't paying attention. I would have been reading earlier. I was actually headed in to work early today, but caught up on your situation instead. Sorry to hear things got rough again. I generally try not to offer too much advice but out situations are so similar, well, these were my thoughts reading this morning.

It sounds like your W was at an exciting place in her life, finished her Ph.D. and getting a position in this high-powered research group in a hospital. Imagine that was exciting and empowering, and scary as she tried to prove herself. She would get lots of positive reinforcement from her position and coworkers, and lets face it - grad school, postdocs, research, hospitals - they are all sort of soap operas, aren't they? All of this would pull her attention away, which was probably not easy for you in the first place.

Then the EA hit you.

What do we do when our spouses pull away and seem less interested or committed? We pursue, seek reassurances, want to TALK about it, try to put sex on the schedule because it is "proof" they love us and things are good for a little while, we don't want to "control" them, just have them come back to us...which feels like control to them. Heck, my anxiety sent me to IC and put me on AD meds - I told my W I thought I had GAD, and I broke down a couple times. Of course, our natural reaction backfires: makes us seem "needy", weak, less stable, and unattractive. It makes our spouses keep us at arms length and see what we do or say with suspicion. It makes sex a chore. And we start fearing "loss"...so we hold on tighter....completely natural.....and the cycle continues.

H, your W could certainly be more understanding of your position and more focused on your M. While snooping never really ends well IMO she should IMO understand that verifying things is part of rebuilding trust. Heck, wouldn't it be great if W said "I'm putting our M first and finding another position, just so you don't have to worry about this and we can go forward rebuilding our R"? I get that her position is a really great one - however, even in a field as small as hers there are dozens of other groups to work for - I know, as I'm in a similar field.

Again, you know my history and you know I probably can't be totally objective, but she is asking a lot. Should she be more understanding and patient. Sure.

But it doesn't matter. Conflict resolution 101: You've got to break the cycle.

oh, I've gone on.....and now I have to head off to work. Sorry to ramble on, H. That advice you got from your MC was the same I got. Hope you're doing ok today.

[Still learning]

H, re-read my post after work. Didn't mean tell you what you already know. Just trying to be helpful.

[Harrier]

Judging by the definition. I do not think I am piecing anymore. Im in some weird holding pattern.

My W made it clear that she doesn't want to work on things now. OTOH, she's not moving backward- although it feels like it.

She doesn't want to do MC now, but hasn't ruled it out. She keeps waitng for me to move out to do anything to do basically anything. I don't understand it really. For so long she seemed willing to work. Now nothing.

I am heartbroken. I guess I thought that by being away for a week would make her reconsider the "move out". It didn't. If anything it reaffirmed her decision. Its been a month+ since the phone incident. Despite my best efforts not much has changed.

I am doubting and just wanna quit. Give up. Not be in this siruation in any way.

I dont want anyone except my W. But thats not likely to happen soon.

Even 25 has given up on me.

[MrBond]

I thought you were going to C before? Did that just suddenly stop? Patience is the name of the game. Don't look at the overall journey, just concentrate on one step at a time.

[Harrier]

We went to MC from Dec. - March. Our MC said we didn't need him anymore but he was available. My W has balked at going back in the near future.

[MrBond]

Well so much for his "expert" opinion. So done is done. Bottom line is that you need to stop thinking you need to "fix" the marriage. It puts unnecessary burden on you and your W. You never stopped with the expectations and she never took on the responsibility of dealing with your hurts and insecurities.

I see two people who care for each other, but aren't addressing what needs to be addressed. So you end up like a dog chasing it's tail going round and round in circles with the each of you "hurting" the other without meaning to.

I can tell you that throughout this journey you're going to get hit with constant ups and downs. They don't call it a rollercoaster for nothing. You need to change your mindset so that you stay on an even keel and not get thrown off your goal when you hit a bump on the road.