I find this to be such an interesting thread - I am thankful that you are here, offering your unique perspective on the 'flip side' of this whole dynamic. It really is so illuminating.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
I haven't posted on my thread for awhile. Been extremely busy with our business and by the end of the day I just don't have the energy.
Nope. we never did get to go fishing, but thats OK, the temps were in the 90's which brought thru alot of storms, We did take a nice drive in the country Sunday just to get away from the campgrounds for a bit, and have some WE time.
There is always one day of the week that hubby drinks too much, usually Friday night, I guess i'm just getting immune to it, and turn to my alanon teachings to provide myself some sanity. I dont argue anymore when hes drunk. Hes not always mean but he can pretty stupid.
I think that you and I are alot alike when it comes to shutting down when were not being treated right. Yep...cook your own meal, fold your own clothes, etc. Its hard not to fit that profile of feeling like a maid at times, but also I've noticed a big change from hubby since we seperated in 2007..he does alot more to help me ( even without being asked ) Cooks more, fixes things sooner, etc. I think my Love Language is service. hehe
And I do like my alone and quiet time...
I'm glad you found this forum and are using it to build a healthier marriage.
I have one question tho. You talked about your Hubby becoming an angrier man, treating you with disrepect, hurting you with words...leaving.........When did all that start?? or was the anger and fighting a pattern in your marriage?
I know we lost repect for each other, treating others better than our partners, and we were both guilty of it.
I haven't posted on my thread for awhile. Been extremely busy with our business and by the end of the day I just don't have the energy.
Nope. we never did get to go fishing, but thats OK, the temps were in the 90's which brought thru alot of storms, We did take a nice drive in the country Sunday just to get away from the campgrounds for a bit, and have some WE time.
There is always one day of the week that hubby drinks too much, usually Friday night, I guess i'm just getting immune to it, and turn to my alanon teachings to provide myself some sanity. I dont argue anymore when hes drunk. Hes not always mean but he can pretty stupid.
I think that you and I are alot alike when it comes to shutting down when were not being treated right. Yep...cook your own meal, fold your own clothes, etc. Its hard not to fit that profile of feeling like a maid at times, but also I've noticed a big change from hubby since we seperated in 2007..he does alot more to help me ( even without being asked ) Cooks more, fixes things sooner, etc. I think my Love Language is service. hehe
And I do like my alone and quiet time...
I'm glad you found this forum and are using it to build a healthier marriage.
I have one question tho. You talked about your Hubby becoming an angrier man, treating you with disrepect, hurting you with words...leaving.........When did all that start?? or was the anger and fighting a pattern in your marriage?
I know we lost repect for each other, treating others better than our partners, and we were both guilty of it.
Just wondering?
Sunny
Sunny and Talk - Are you guys related to my W? Or maybe I am related to your H's! LOL...
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I haven't posted on my thread for awhile. Been extremely busy with our business and by the end of the day I just don't have the energy.
Nope. we never did get to go fishing, but thats OK, the temps were in the 90's which brought thru alot of storms, We did take a nice drive in the country Sunday just to get away from the campgrounds for a bit, and have some WE time.
There is always one day of the week that hubby drinks too much, usually Friday night, I guess i'm just getting immune to it, and turn to my alanon teachings to provide myself some sanity. I dont argue anymore when hes drunk. Hes not always mean but he can pretty stupid.
I think that you and I are alot alike when it comes to shutting down when were not being treated right. Yep...cook your own meal, fold your own clothes, etc. Its hard not to fit that profile of feeling like a maid at times, but also I've noticed a big change from hubby since we seperated in 2007..he does alot more to help me ( even without being asked ) Cooks more, fixes things sooner, etc. I think my Love Language is service. hehe
And I do like my alone and quiet time...
I'm glad you found this forum and are using it to build a healthier marriage.
I have one question tho. You talked about your Hubby becoming an angrier man, treating you with disrepect, hurting you with words...leaving.........When did all that start?? or was the anger and fighting a pattern in your marriage?
I know we lost repect for each other, treating others better than our partners, and we were both guilty of it.
Just wondering?
Sunny
Good morning Sunny
Wow, it's warm in Winter Wonderland! (Your loc on the little sidebar)
We have barely started summer!
It sounds like you are in a place with H's drinking that you can handle. You're right, futile to argue with a drunk person.
Yes, I have shut down in a lot of ways, mostly wrt my heart. He held so many things over my head constantly that he wasn't happy with. I felt that if I tried to make him happy - according to what his complaints were, I really would have been reduced to being his live-in housekeeper.
The irony is that if he wasn't demanding, but was supportive of my pursuits as well, I would have gladly done what he said he wanted, and more, singing as I sweeped, haha.
My love language is Words of Affirmation, H's is Physical Touch.
H has always had an anger issue but it used to be intermittent, it was a passive aggressive build-up and he would explode when he was under pressure.
H started to get extremely angry 3 or 4 years ago after his last tour in Afghanistan. It has been a weekly thing since then and it included constant threats to divorce and whatever horrible thing he could think of to throw at me.
We also bought and sold a few houses during that time, moved twice, lived in horrible reno for long stretches, our son left the nest, and we both quit secure jobs. It didn't bother me but I'm learning that I like living on the edge. H did NOT like it. There's a much longer version of the events of that time on H's (Herbgarden) thread.
The barrage of words just did me in, I really lost my "joie de vivre". After he got the anger out of his system, he felt better, and would be so nice for the next week. I eventually felt like I was going crazy.
It's only now, after posting all my thoughts on this thread (I kind of hoped no one was reading them! It's a little like being naked. But if H is seriously changing this time, I want him to be able to read/know where I'm at.), letting it all out, that I am starting to feel normal. I think pretending to our friends and my work contacts (who see H all the time in the shop) took a huge toll. It's nice to get chit out! And make sense of it...
I haven't posted on my thread for awhile. Been extremely busy with our business and by the end of the day I just don't have the energy.
Nope. we never did get to go fishing, but thats OK, the temps were in the 90's which brought thru alot of storms, We did take a nice drive in the country Sunday just to get away from the campgrounds for a bit, and have some WE time.
There is always one day of the week that hubby drinks too much, usually Friday night, I guess i'm just getting immune to it, and turn to my alanon teachings to provide myself some sanity. I dont argue anymore when hes drunk. Hes not always mean but he can pretty stupid.
I think that you and I are alot alike when it comes to shutting down when were not being treated right. Yep...cook your own meal, fold your own clothes, etc. Its hard not to fit that profile of feeling like a maid at times, but also I've noticed a big change from hubby since we seperated in 2007..he does alot more to help me ( even without being asked ) Cooks more, fixes things sooner, etc. I think my Love Language is service. hehe
And I do like my alone and quiet time...
I'm glad you found this forum and are using it to build a healthier marriage.
I have one question tho. You talked about your Hubby becoming an angrier man, treating you with disrepect, hurting you with words...leaving.........When did all that start?? or was the anger and fighting a pattern in your marriage?
I know we lost repect for each other, treating others better than our partners, and we were both guilty of it.
Just wondering?
Sunny
Sunny and Talk - Are you guys related to my W? Or maybe I am related to your H's! LOL...
Denver
Denver, the odds are good that someone is related on this board! I think my dad's family did settle in Col in the 1800's before moving on to a remote island in BC. (???) Must have been fugitives...
You really make me happy Talk...Herb is a lucky man to have a wife that WANTS and desires the marriage to work. I hope one day to find a woman who also wants this. Yesterday, I decided to never contact my EW again. So my goal on this site is to help as many people as I can, learn from my mistakes.
I was having a tough time today, or tonight really. I think that all of this pouring my heart out scared me. I felt like I was wide open, not the self-protection mode I've been in for a long time. I was busy all day at work, so I didn't really have time to think about anything, but when I got home, I felt different, vulnerable.
H is in Ottawa, and called me when I got home. I know that he doesn't have the same access to the forum, so I didn't expect to see posts (I think they're still moderated anyway), and I knew that he was going to IKEA, but I stil started feeling so icky, like I'm setting myself up, that he isn't in to this, that he's just playing along. If he had sent me an email tonight, I don't think I would have spiraled, but I also don't want to tell him he HAS to email, etc. I clearly have to get a grip on my insecurities. They usually hit for no reason, every 3 days or so. Usually I can self-sooth, but I guess it's because he's away, and I've been reliving so much, and pouring my heart out. Which has been so good for me, but has also opened so many old doors that I think I had firmly locked.
I didn't want to call him and put pressure on him, or invoke anger again by telling him how I felt (if I in any way let him know that I had trust issues in the past, he blew, and I think he thought I did it all the time - little did he know that I censored myself 99% of the time...), but then decided to be honest. It would be up to him how he responded. He was very calm, and said that he was posting on the forum. So he didn't blow up. That's good. That's huge for him. He told me it'll take time, so he's obviously learning something from the forum!
I am hating this right now, the forgiving, the trusting, and the nagging feeling that I'm being naive and stupid.
It was easier to go full-force ahead with my life, telling myself to look after myself. And I am still doing that of course, but I am open to H too.
I will let this emotion pass. I find that if I'm down, it's a 2 day cycle if I let it move through me rather than fight it, and I feel more creative after.
H is understanding things a lot better, he is responding without anger, he is being sensitive to my fears, and I appreciate that.
Thanks again. Have a good night everyone.
On a more positive note: Anyone have suggestions for Tampa in the middle of July? H has a conference, he has smuggled me onto the trip, and I will be on the loose all day for 5 days. I hope my passport will be done. I let it expire, and the new one is scheduled to be done the DAY before I leave. I have never been to Florida. For me, travelling is all about the FOOD, and good restaurants are hard to find online, even with the rating systems.
LOL Denver.....maybe? But I think it is in the nature of women, Most of us love to please our Hubby's if we are being treated with respect and just good ole common courtesy.
Hubby's fav, saying " Treat others as you would want to be Treated " that goes a long way.
I find this to be such an interesting thread - I am thankful that you are here, offering your unique perspective on the 'flip side' of this whole dynamic. It really is so illuminating.
Well I'm over my little pity party. Today was another long "road" day so lots of time to think while driving.
But I'm tired now, so I'm not really thinking anything. I have a glass of wine and very tired feet.
H called me this afternoon to say that he was in the shoe store in Ottawa that carries one of my favourite brands of shoes. I can't get them in our province, so he has now bought me 3 pairs in the last 5 years. He sent me a link with the model number, and I have to say that they are sweet shoes. I love wierd hippie shoes, that will last forever - and go with my wierd clothes. Thanks H. You do know the way to my heart!
I don't have the energy to ramble about my problems tonight, and actually, I don't feel anything that needs to be said. Maybe I've finally processed enough for now, and I will just enjoy H, while it is enjoyable. One day at a time.
Who am I kidding, I'm sure I'll need to get something off my chest soon.
I won't be back for a couple of days. Tomorrow night is art night at a friends; a bunch of us are chipping in to pay for a model to sketch/paint, whatever we want to do. Quite a few crazies will be there so it should be fun. Friday night is late at the shop, and hopefully busy like last week. So much for my alone time while H is away...
I have a fun project that I need to get ready for: my shop assistant and I have started to do "theme" Saturdays, and this Saturday, I think we're doing 50's cheesecake (think Marilyn Monroe) or 20's Flapper. Last week was gypsy. The customers seem to like it, and it's fun for us too.
