It's really starting to aggrevate me. How do I bring it up without her seeing it as controlling?
Well it is controlling, on both ends. Compromise?
Is it fair to say it upsets you because...of who she might be talking to, or that she isn't spedning the type of time you want her to spend when she is on it?
Without yelling let her know, that it bothers you but that you are trying to work on it.
She isn't hiding it from you, and...that is a GOOD thing.
No she isn't hiding it from me which is what she has done in the past during the A. She leaves it around and I'm free to check it at any time but I don't. I've established the transparancy boundry when we first started working on the M and she has respected that. We did talk last night about other things and I'll get to that but I did bring up the phone issue in a calm manner and explained that she is on it an awful lot especially when we are alone together and as a family. I said it bothered me but I'm am trying to work through it. When she woke up this morning she would have immidiately went to it but left it charging in the bedroom until I left.
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It's gotten to the point where I have had to cut off contact with them. I told them I need this time to try and repair what was done and to please respect my space while I do. But they keep badering me. Has anyone else experienced this with their family?
Yup similar. I told them that I appreciated their concerns after I listened to them, but that this is what I was doing, if they couldn't support me in that then I wouldn't talk to them about my marriage. And if they kept trying to then I wouldn't be around to listen in the future.
The point was I did listen to them, but then I told them what I needed from them. Support. They were happy to give it to me, they wanted to feel useful.
J3B that's good advice and something I have heard before from my IC. I will let them know that this is the direction that I am going and to respect that and embrace what I'm trying to do. And to be there for me if I need them.
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Should I pull back a little and not be pursuing so much? This is a milestone birthday and I wanted it to be special for her.
my answer to the situational awareness issue from above:
It IS a milestone...and not one she seems to be interested in. If she doesn't want to make a big deal of it, she isn't going to be happy if anyone else does. Is that mid reading? No, just what you wrote. She doesn't seem interested in it, and some people aren't all that happy turning 40. It is a big deal but in a bad way.
Can you elborate on the situational a little?
She was interested. She mentioned a few weeks ago that any other birthday is just another day but this one is a milestone and should be special. That's why I did go a little overboard trying to make her feel special not only from me but the kids as well. I can't mind read her and can only react to what I hear. If she did feel differently she should have said something.
Update: After spending last night at her friends for a BBQ and birthday cake we got home, got the kids to bed and straighted up a little. We retired to our bed and started to watch a little tv. She told me that I was her best friend and love the relationship we have now and she never wants that to change. At this point I shut off the tv and turned on the light to give her my undivided attention (a 180 for me). She also said that she loves how the kids are so happy, the neighborhood we now live in and our home. A couple of years ago my mom passed away and we moved into her house after she died. We kept most of her furniture because at the time I couldn't bear to get rid of it. Slowly we have been replacing it piece by piece and she appreciates it and I'm now ok with it. She loves how we're working together in the yard to make it nice for us to enjoy (all 180's for me).
But
W: I love all the changes you have been making for me and the kids, you're truly becoming the man I knew you could be.
M: I appreciate that you acknowledge my changes but they are mostly for me. It wouldn't be fair to anyone involved if I tried to change for anyone other than myself. The results of those changes has been a better relationship with you and the kids.
W: I'm really trying to find the love I had for you in the first coupls of years we were married and I don't know if I ever will.
M: It took years to destroy the relationship we had and we've been only working at this for six months. I didn't expect it to go back to the way it was in the beginning so soon.
W: Are you ok with the way things are going for now?
M: That old M is dead and buried. Together we're trying to build a better one and it's going to take some time. So yes I am ok.
That was the jist of the conversation. There were a couple of other small things that wern't important. This morning she got up earlier than usual to start the day and when I got downstairs she had her ring on and gave me a kiss on the lips.
My IC told me that I need to get her out of her comfort zone. More touching, kissing and eventually ML and she believes once we get to that point that we will be in a much better place to move forward and I agree.
For now I will keep doing what I am doing. I am confident in who I am, I have a great relationship with my children and I am happy.
Thank you all for your input. Reading these threads and the advice given has been a life saver for me and I hope I can repay it in the future.
There is a difference between knowing the path & walking the path. – Morpheus
