Hi TG,
Sorry to hear about the flu in your house. I hope you are able to avoid getting it.

Good to hear you're looking into MC. I hope the counselor is helpful. I too think there are many positives to your situation.

One thing that might help is to put yourself in the mindset of this is about the marriage. Stay away from the idea of it being about your needs not being met. It is about both of you. You are on the same team. Don't draw a line between you. Consider dropping the LD/HD labels. The labels have a way of setting things up for "taking sides." The next thing you know you've got a tug-of-war going as each of you tries to justify and defend your position. And, of course, the more someone justifies and defends a position the stronger they feel about holding to that position. You're BOTH in a marriage without much/any sex. I expect your wife never planned on this or expected this either. She's just exhausted right now. If you've been having fights about this, you've already got the game going. It needs to stop. The lack of sex and everything surrounding it is your adversary, not your wife. If you haven't been having fights....YEAH!!! It'll be easier to get to the we're-in-this-together approach.

Now for your wife's exhaustion. One reason what you've been doing to lighten the load hasn't been making her feel less exhausted might be because she's not just physically exhausted from the workload. It's a lot and what you're doing is wonderful. The exhaustion, however, is also a mental exhaustion that comes from being surrounded by the sea of raw, uncontrolled emotion and abundant neediness of small children. It's an exhaustion that comes from rarely having a moment to yourself, from never being able to fully concentrate on a task because you're constantly interrupted. It's the exhaustion that comes from not being able to do anything or go anywhere without "making arrangements." There isn't much YOU can do about that. It is the nature of being at home all day long with very young children. It means she needs to find out what rejuvenates her...sleep, time to herself, going out with friends, adult contact during the day, exercise...whatever works for her. It could even be sex, but she has to be able to stay awake long enough to find out . (I used to fall asleep all the time while we'd be trying. My H would wake me up. If I fell asleep again, he figured I really needed to sleep.)

This exhaustion from the neediness of others is another reason why you want to stay away from the "my needs" approach. You want to be different from the kids. No hint of "You're not paying enough attention to ME! MY needs aren't being met." That will only add to her sense of exhaustion. Remember, you're on the same side, in this together, as the two of you figure out how to get everything working during this very difficult phase of marriage now that these new, delightful, needy little people have joined you.

Quote:

Other gestures I have tried seem to get met with the "You're just doing this because you want me in bed" response. I know I'm to blame for this since that I have done this in the past, and now she's gunshy.I'm not sure how to get beyond this, without offering more gestures (innocent) and dealing with her rejecting them, until she sees that it's not just to get her in bed. (or somewhere else for that matter).


Use situations like this to turn things back to the team approach. Respond to her directly in a way that says "team" rather than "opposite sides." Be honest and let her know that you believe sex is an important part of a marriage for both partners. That it's not just about you. Acknowledge that you understand that she's not that interested right now, but you'd be interested in knowing how SHE really feels about a sexless marriage for herself. Is a sexless marriage something she really wants? Would SHE like for her interest in sex to return for her own sake and the sake of your relationship, not just for you? Give her an opportunity to think about it from that perspective.

Best wishes, MPT