Just my input on the "divorced at least a year"thing. Seriously??? I have to agree that some people date before they are emotionally ready and that usually ends in disaster. And some folks judge others for dating before their divorce is final but GET REAL. In some places and for some good reasons - divorces can take years. For instance - my sister's marriage broke up 11 years ago. Her H was arrested for child abuse and has lived thousands of miles away from her with very minimal contact. They have not divorced for financial reasons. Should she not date???
My C told me that I was free to be with someone new once my ex confirmed he was living with another woman (he had lied about it for some time - moved directly in with her after I kicked him out). Yet he would NOT cooperate with getting the divorce. So - he was living with another woman and our divorce took 5 years. I was emotionally divorced from him before I started dating but not on paper. I took some lashes here on the board. Felt like I was the cheater. I don't think that was fair.
So - yes - you have to be "over" your spouse and have done the work before you date. Divorced is better but I don't think time limits are reasonable when everyone is different and I believe that all situations need to be looked at individually. Let's not judge each other.
All interesting opinions. When XW and I first split up I was desperate to find someone. I hated having all this free time. I wanted to prove to her that I was a catch.
That's slowly lessened over time. It's been two years since we split, more than three since we were last together.
The divorce hasn't even been final a month and I am going through some ups and downs I hadn't felt in a while. But still, I am ready to at least start looking again.
The reason I jumped over to this thread was to ask a question. Has anyone ever stumbled across their X's profile.
The girls told me XW was joining Match and eHarmony and I'm interested to see if she actually does it. XW is very, very, very reserved. I'd be shocked if she actually put herself out there online.
But then again I've learned the past few years that I didn't know her nearly as well as I thought.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
The divorce hasn't even been final a month and I am going through some ups and downs I hadn't felt in a while. But still, I am ready to at least start looking again.
No you're not! You're still fussing about your X's online dating habits! Why do you care? You haven't "stumbled" across her profile but I'm betting you'll check it out if it's there. I say, take six months and be with CTH. Think about what you really want in your life and how you can be happy without a R. It's when you WANT a R, not NEED it that you are really ready to start "looking". Anybody whose D has been final for less than a month and has been through what you've been through is not just "looking", you'll be validating! Validate yourself for a bit. That's my 2 cents for what it's worth.
Seriously, there's no book, no time clock, no official prescription. Don't we move forward in our own time? I am not looking to get married, move in with anyone or get into any kind of relationship where I have to weigh their needs against the needs of my daughters.
But I would like to get out and date again. A movie, a dinner, a lunch, a wedding in October.
Look, if I wait until I have no feelings or thoughts about XW then I might as well join a monastery. They'll lessen over time, but they'll never go away.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Seriously, there's no book, no time clock, no official prescription. Don't we move forward in our own time? I am not looking to get married, move in with anyone or get into any kind of relationship where I have to weigh their needs against the needs of my daughters.
But I would like to get out and date again. A movie, a dinner, a lunch, a wedding in October.
Look, if I wait until I have no feelings or thoughts about XW then I might as well join a monastery. They'll lessen over time, but they'll never go away.
You gotta do what you gotta do! I just don't think you gotta do this now. Less than one month divorced and you honestly think you're ready for "looking"?! What's wrong with being with you for a bit whether it's 3 monhs, six months, or whatever. How about saying "I, CTH, will not date for X number of months and really spend time getting to know me!" Dating takes energy and it's an easy way to distract ourselves from what we need to do for ourselves. When you're needy and hurting (and you are, believe it or not) it's way too easy to be unintentionally blown of course by the old endorphins. What's wrong with going out with friends for companionship for a bit? Anyway I'll get off the old soap box now!
CTH, just to add, I think you and I are very alike! While I'm not pushing myself regarding dating I do push myself about being active. When my M ended I was gonna have a new life! Need a choir member, I'm it. Gotta a Bible Study going, I'm there...it was one thing after another. I was proud that I was not being beat down by what had happened to me. I found it hard to sit at home and do nothing! It felt like failure. I see this so strongly in you as well. I honestly think this desire to date is based on your need to keep going, plugging ahead. To not date is to be a failure...less of a man. I empathize with that. Since I started following your thread I can't remember a time when you didn't think you were ready to date! A few months ago you "dated" the Match woman and ended up feeling guilty etc. You admitted it was validation you were after. I think the hardest thing for you to do at this point would be not to date, so it's probably the thing you need to do. I don't mean to come across as harsh or judgmental, and fear that I sometimes do, I just see a lot of me in you. Btw, I burned myself out with Adrenal Fatigue being Mr. energy. I didn't spend the time I needed for healing. I just want you to give yourself that time. You've done amazingly well through this whole thing, let CTH rest a bit...just for a bit. Trust me, you'll be able to bounce back and do the dating thing so much better.
