Quote: Luckily you found something that works for you, most of us are really struggling on a solution.
There was no luck involved with my situation, CeMar. I had a choice to make. I could either change, or I would lose my marriage, and I had to figure out what was more important to me.
In my instance, I was the one who brought us to the brink of divorce, but it didn't have to work that way. And getting to the brink of divorce isn't what always has to happen to get people to wake up and realize that things are pretty doggone serious. That's just the way it worked in my situation because both my h and I are such hardheaded, stubborn people.
What I see with you is that you do not love or trust your wife enough to take care of her portion of the marriage, and for I don't know how many years, you've been doing it for her. So what I see here is this:
1) You FEAR to love and trust your wife 2) You take responsibility for your wife's part of the relationship. 3) You CONSTANTLY change to get your wife to change.
What do I mean by this. I think because you fear that your wife would walk away from you and end the marriage rather than put forth any effort to change herself or her part of the relationship, you do not force the issue. You just keep quiet and don't rock the boat because you are MORE afraid of her leaving than you love or trust her.
Because you do not love or trust your wife not to leave you, you take responsibility for your wife's part of the relationship. You do not draw boundaries with her. You do not state, "this is what I need to have a healthy, happy relationship. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get there... I will read books, I will go to counseling, I will change certain behaviors if I can. But if things don't change, I will do the best I can and hang on as long as I can, but I don't know how long that is going to be." However, what you do is, if you make such a statement and she tells you to back off, or she yells, or she cries, or she throws a tantrum, or does whatever it is she does, you cave. YOU back off. You do not lovingly stick to your boundaries and allow her to find her own way through her difficulties. You do not trust that she is a big girl, an adult woman, who can find the answers to her own problems.
Which leads us to number 3. Your wife is a big girl, she can take care of herself, but you don't let her because you are the one changing all the time. And since you are the one who changes all the time, SHE doesn't have to. It's like the two of you are playing a game of tennis. You, on your side, will state, I need love and affection from my wife! (serve)
So you serve that out to her, and you see her standing on her side of the court, you can see she isn't paying attention and you think, oh my gawd, she's not paying attention! so you race to her side of the court (you back off from your statement) and return volley for her. Then you stand there, seeing no one is on your side of the court (but what about MY needs), so you race back to your side of the court to return volley again (you make your statement of needs again), only to stand there and see she still isn't paying attention. And rather than stand firm in who you are and what you need to be happy, you're more worried about the ball dropping (the marriage failing) than you are about playing the game (living life with the woman you married). She isn't playing the game because she doesn't have to. She's just standing there watching you run your fool head off because you don't love or trust her enough to get into the game.
You can't play the game for both of you, CeMar. It doesn't work that way. You are going to run yourself into the ground if you don't stay on your side of the net, and the ball is eventually going to drop anyway because, as you are discovering, you can't play the game for the both of you.
So when I say to you, make changes in yourself, what I mean is, have the courage to stay on your side of the net. Define for yourself who you are, what it is you need from a relationship to be happy, and have the courage to own that.
If your personal convictions rule out you leaving the marriage, you may get to the point where you will need to re-examine those convictions with yourself and with your church pastor (her knowing you'd NEVER leave the marriage gives her all the excuse she needs not to do anything.)
If you think you need to stay in the marriage until the kids are grown and out of the house, then come up with a strategy that is going to get you to that point. Go to counseling on your own if she won't go, do whatever it is you need to do to maintain your sanity. But for gosh sakes, stay on your side of the net and quit doing the work for her or she is NEVER going to get into the game. And if she does let the ball drop... why would you want to be in the game with her anyway?
