Its been a long couple of days.. I'm having serious doubts right now about pursuing a reconciliation. I just keep asking myself, how can I possibly be in love with someone who so clearly doesn't love me. So perhaps I am just imagining that I am still in love with him, because quite frankly, I don't remember what it felt like NOT to be in love with him. He 'says' he doesn't love me, he's not happy with me, he can't get out of the house quick enough these days, he stopped emailing, texting me unless its about our children, he doesn't look at me, he barely speaks to me. honestly, its almost as if HE's the one going dark. Its like he has multple personalities. I had an IC session last week, and she basically told me to take control of my life - to not wait around for him. That he's cake eating right now, and I have given him zero reason to want to come home, since he totally has it made right now. She told me that I would need to light a fire under him - but to be careful, b/c I had to prepare myself for the worst. She told me as long as I still had hope, then not to try to stir things up. But I honestly don't think I have hope anymore. We've been officially separated for 8 months now - what was supposed to have been a 2 month trial separation is no longer a trial. The first 7 months were actually great and now he is suddenly shutting me out of his life completely. I am seriously considering telling him its over. Don't get me wrong, I have no plans of initiating the divorce myself - mainly b/c I refuse to go to the trouble, when he is causing me so much pain. Sitting here waiting for what is probably inevitable - even though he still swears he doesn't know what he wants - is absolutely killing me. I don't want to be alone anymore. and the longer I sit here waiting for a man who is likely never going to come back to me, the longer it will be until I find the true happiness I deserve. I also need serious closure. My C reminded me that I've been surviving alone for 8 months - as a working single mother - and she was quite surprised to say that I was doing so well (it sure as heck doesn't feel like it, but I managed to only well up in tears for a moment during the session which I suppose is an improvement. She doesn't know that I cry myself to sleep practically every night). Anyways, I just dont know what to do. If I actually thought there MAY be some hope, then I dont think I'd be ready to tell him its over, but right now, I just feel hopeless. I also feel like my children - both boys - need to see that their mother is a strong capable woman. I know I can make it without him. But that doesn't stop my heart from breaking in a thousand pieces. Its really unimaginable to me that I could ever love somebody else. Could really use some support/advise right now... TIA.
