Slowly we unfurl, as lotus flowers

[♪CS♪]

I am sure it is getting frustrating saying the same thing over and over.

I am really trying to think what is keeping me from pulling away more. I know part of it is fear. I also think of how things affect me and think it will be the same for my W.

For example, when she sends me a pic of D, it makes me miss her MORE. It makes me wish she was home and that I didn’t have to settle for a pic.

When things remind me of my family it makes me miss it MORE. When W keeps mentioning how much she misses the dog, is it really just the dog? Or everything that goes with the dog? The memories, etc.

By sending the dog with her, and then her dropping the dog back off. Is that going to make her miss her more or less? When I drop D off, it always makes me think MORE how much I am losing.

Her offer today regarding me getting more time with D. It was one of the firsts I can think of where W really, for no reason, offered me something. Why? What changed in her head that made her do this?

Was it a result of the two prior weeks of me lying low, or was it the acts of kindness from the night before? Was it completely unrelated?

I have always had a conflict with one part of this. On one hand, we will drive ourselves crazy trying to analyze the WAW’s behavior. On the other hand, we are supposed to monitor results and look for positive signs. Then we are supposed to continue to “do what works.” These two things fight each other.

The other tough part of all of this is knowing the cause and effect. If we do see something positive, it can be tough to know what actions of ours had an effect, if any. I guess even a bigger question, what do we consider positives? It seems like a very personal and subjective things (at times).

I am rambling.