In a nutshell... She does not feel, or acknowledge there is a problem. If there is, it is my fault and I must "deal with it". I am selfish for wanting sex more than every 4 to 6 weeks, and she is not for depriving me.
I am going to give her some serious space...IE roughly 4 weeks from now before mentioning this again to see what happens.
I saw your story and the responses and decided to sit quiet for a while to see what you discovered.
On a couple of points already mentioned in Y@H's post...drop the computer games as a GAL strategy. Go find yourself a good exercise strategy that allows you to think and get some exercise at the same time. For example, I walk at least 5 miles per day and that has allowed me to drop more than 40 pounds in the last year. That was not what I set out to do, but that was the result. It does give me space to think and decompress (I spread out my walking schedule so that it all is not in one stretch during a day). But it has also presented an interesting challenge to the structure of our lives.
The time @ work was one of the first things I noticed from your original post. This does not help since as much as half of your waking hours are spent working or commuting.getting ready for work. Is it really necessary or worth it? And consider that part of that might fit into an unconcsous preference not to be together for one or both of you.
The weight is an issue (for her and by extension for you) even if you are not making it a sticking point.
The threat she makes about an affair ending the marriage is her "bright line."
Is a non-sexual marriage your brightline? Its as much a threat as the affair declaration. And if that's your brightline, you'd best be sure that you are willing to carry it out.
You've already found out what the reaction is when you compare to others, but what happened when you compared to your own relationship before the kids? Does she consider that behavior that she engaged in as being a sexual deviant? After all, that is what she is telling you that you are (now)when she calls you a sex maniac.
Q: Why would she wish to be in the same house with the kids with a sexual deviant? The answer might be that she doesn't and you best be prepared for that.
The withholding of anything that can be construed as remotely sexual (and right now that probably is anything except a good-bye kiss) is a dangerous game and at one-level, your wife probably does need to feel loved even though she does not want affection and intimacy and on that point I agree with Y@H. Don't view the duties you've assumed as either a quid pro quo or a way to give her a temporary break that it will fix anything. You'll likely see that backfire.
The more important point is to diffuse the anger (and that is what it is) over this. Take it on as a project to demonstrate to yourself that you can do this, alone if necessary, with no fanfare or expectation. There is a danger that your wife will feel that you neither "need" her or "want" her, but right now she probably does not even think in those terms except that you can't get along without sex. (Note: you can get along without sex, but your marriage will likely suffer not because of the lack of sex, but because the anger and the lack of intimacy that is available through a sexual relationship).
However, I also agree with you in the interim withdrawal of anything remotely sexual. And I hope you've done that without any fanfare whatsoever. Just know that 4-6 weeks will not be enough time, in all likelihood. Think more like 4-6 months before it even begins to dawn on her that you are not making ANY sexual requests of her. This is where things get tricky as she may just see it as proof of something else (you don't care, want or need her any longer).
I would recommend against turning her away if she comes to you affectionately as that would only reinforce those feelings of not being wanted/needed, etc. But I'd also be prepared to answer the "why" you haven't been pursuing her sexually any longer. Be honest. Its also clear you are frustrated at being turned away and being called a sex maniac. Why would you want to have sex with someone that does not want to be sexual with you or calls you a sexual deviant in the form of "sex maniac?"
You may encounter, through your abstinence, the accusation that you've met someone else. And you might. Just make sure its "you" that you meet and discover and not someone else.
It will likely get a lot worse before it gets better and at some point you may just have to decide that you've had enough. She might be right...it may be your problem and you may have to choose what to do about it. But part of the predicament is that it takes two to solve this problem.
How bad could it get? Well, you could end up arguing all the time and divorce, you (or she) could walk away. Or you could end up like me, in a completely sexless marriage with a spouse that is pretty much a housemate in a shared household arrangement. Its a matter of what you are willing to put yourself though and what you are willing to put up with.
The Captain
14 years..14 months....No way. I can not see HOW that was done.
Computer games are are sore point. It's OK for her to watch 4 hours of the Opra network 7pm to 11pm...but god forbid I go play COD or a computer or xbox game for half an hour.
Outdoor physical activity is pretty much out the window here as tempuratures are already near 100 with heat indexes in the 105 to 110 range. At 10pm it's still in the 90's and just plain hot.
Work wise, I know she is NOT happy. She is jealous that I am home by 5pm to get the kids, do part time work from home in the evenings and weekends and make as much as she does. She looked into going back to school, but would need to do online classes at night(3 years for a BA).She goes not have a bachelors degree. Again she is pressed for time. I thought about doing an online MBA as I have a bachelors and could do that in less than 2 years online, then I could get a better job, and perhaps she could be a stay at home mom. She didn't seem too keen on the idea.
"You've already found out what the reaction is when you compare to others, but what happened when you compared to your own relationship before the kids? "
She does realize it is substantially less now than before kids. The way you described deviant, puts a perspective on things. No, I don't think she thinks about it that way, but the fact that to her that I seem to want it all the time and see does not allows herself to throw out names and such as she does not have a valid arguement, only excuses. I'm tired I have a headache. The kids might hear. I am not in the mood. I have to get up early. etc....
When we discuss how it was versus now, she complains that she is too tired. Workwise she worked more BEFORE we got married. 9 to 6 Monday thru Friday and every Saturday 9-6.
The more I work on this the MORE I realize that the lack of sex is not a cause but a symptom. She is not happy with her work, her weight, and has focuses her anger on me. No sex is the result.
At some point she is going to need to realize that there is a problem and she will need to work on it. Tine to tough it out for the next 6 months and see what happens.
