My faith gives me the courage to move forward

[MrBond]

rysmom,

Are you still in therapy? You really need to talk someone NOW. Here's what I see in your posts:

"I didn't file yet. I am afraid i will have a breakdown going thru d process, but i think i should do something. I was feeling very depressed this past week."

Let me tell you something. You're not going to have a breakdown. You ARE having a breakdown. Right now. And you've been in one for awhile. Do you want to stay in the hole you're standing in now or do you want to climb your way out? Only you can do it for yourself. No one else.

"I emailed h an article from rejoice ministries written by a man that went back to his wife after being gone for 2 yrs. he was saying to the prodigal h to go back to your family for father's day. I figured what do i have to lose I got no response and he deleted it."

Yes you do have alot to lose. You lose your self-respect. It shows your neediness. STOP IT! When are you going to start getting yourself strong? Plus, how do you know he deleted it? Are you still checking his email? STOP IT! STOP OBSESSING! And besides, how do you know he doesn't have another email setup somewhere that you don't know of?

Ever see Lord of the Rings? You're acting like the gollum who was obsessed with the ring. You need to get out and break the relationship's hold on you. If not, you will get dragged into madness like the gollum character. It's not an attractive analogy, but it's a fitting one. Your obsession is corrupting you. Which is why you were so judgemental about your tennis friend. You ever notice you have a way of alienating those who show you an ounce of care and compassion? It's why your H won't come home.

"I played tennis with lawyer friend on wed. He was telling me how things were going good with his new girlfriend. I feel like im playing second fiddle to him, and i don't like it. I don't think its going to work out for them because he told me he is prejudice and he just found out that her kids are half minority."

You said that you were planning to just be friends with this man. From what I saw he was just being friendly to you. Yet you say "second fiddle". You aren't even third fiddle. He was being a friend to you. Nothing more. Then when you judge his relationship with another person by saying he's prejudiced. That's mean-spirited and rude. It's none of your business. This just shows that you had feelings for him and are sad that he didn't see you as anything other than a friend. It's bitter and immature.

"My son is doing well. he is going to work with h everyday. son is very critical of me and it drives me crazy. i guess its a norman teenage thing. i hope it passes."

Your son is not acting critical of you because it's a "normal" teenage thing. He sees you the same way the rest of us do. As a weak woman who won't stand up and get herself well. A number of posters told you this would happen with your son, but you refused to listen. I can guarantee you that his next step will be to move out and live with your H. How would you feel about losing your son? If you don't want to, then you need to stop being so weak.

"its difficult for me to do these things on my own sometimes without h."

It's been 4 years. When is it NOT going to be difficult for you? You haven't even attempted to have a civil relationship with your H. Your responses are either of condemnation or silence. Both are conflict avoidance tactics to protect yourself. Do something about it or do nothing and lose everything.