Dont know what to say but am glad that your weekend went good. I think it is very nice that your MIL is actually keeping in touch with you. What is very good in your sitch(knock on wood) is that your wife seems very nice to you. At the same i guess what's odd is why does she want out !
Anyway enjoy your time!
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Something to think about..... I know having the MIL in your corner gives you comfort. I thought the same way too.
All these little thank yous and such, you are getting exciting about won't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. They are giving you false hope.
From what I'm reading, I'm getting the sense of your W having the best of both worlds. Having an affair and having a happy family life.
Stop trying to win her back by doing all these "nice " things. What's that say about you?
Let's try and get to two months withut sending a pic.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I am sure it is getting frustrating saying the same thing over and over.
I am really trying to think what is keeping me from pulling away more. I know part of it is fear. I also think of how things affect me and think it will be the same for my W.
For example, when she sends me a pic of D, it makes me miss her MORE. It makes me wish she was home and that I didn’t have to settle for a pic.
When things remind me of my family it makes me miss it MORE. When W keeps mentioning how much she misses the dog, is it really just the dog? Or everything that goes with the dog? The memories, etc.
By sending the dog with her, and then her dropping the dog back off. Is that going to make her miss her more or less? When I drop D off, it always makes me think MORE how much I am losing.
Her offer today regarding me getting more time with D. It was one of the firsts I can think of where W really, for no reason, offered me something. Why? What changed in her head that made her do this?
Was it a result of the two prior weeks of me lying low, or was it the acts of kindness from the night before? Was it completely unrelated?
I have always had a conflict with one part of this. On one hand, we will drive ourselves crazy trying to analyze the WAW’s behavior. On the other hand, we are supposed to monitor results and look for positive signs. Then we are supposed to continue to “do what works.” These two things fight each other.
The other tough part of all of this is knowing the cause and effect. If we do see something positive, it can be tough to know what actions of ours had an effect, if any. I guess even a bigger question, what do we consider positives? It seems like a very personal and subjective things (at times).
I am rambling.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Agreeing to go out on a date with you. Planning future events as a family. Reading a pro-marriage book. Not going out with a usual group of single/divorced/separated friends on a Friday night for once. Etc.
Too many people focus on "nice." "He's being nice to me." Sometimes "nice" is a payback you are given to keep you right where you are.
I'm not saying that being treated rudely is better than being treated nice. I'm just saying there are a WHOLE HOST of things that "they're suddenly acting nice towards me" can mean.
I'm not saying that being treated rudely is better than being treated nice. I'm just saying there are a WHOLE HOST of things that "they're suddenly acting nice towards me" can mean.
Again, very good point. I see what you are saying.
W and I have been 'nice' to each other for a while now. The offer about D just felt different to me. It caught me off guard. Unexpected.
Quote:
Agreeing to go out on a date with you. Planning future events as a family. Reading a pro-marriage book.
Definitely agree these are VERY positive signs. They just seem like more than ‘baby steps’ to me. These sound like leaps. Perhaps my perspective is just off.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Something to think about..... I know having the MIL in your corner gives you comfort. I thought the same way too.
All these little thank yous and such, you are getting exciting about won't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. They are giving you false hope.
[b][b][b]From what I'm reading, I'm getting the sense of your W having the best of both worlds. Having an affair and having a happy family lifely [/b][/b]. [/b] But that's not the case with CS's wife. She's openly miserable. She's NOT having the best of either world and it's painfully obvious to her (and me). True, this isn't necessarily moving her towards CS either b/c she thinks things have gone too far, (my first guess) AND OR
because she still thinks she can somehow pull off a better life without marriage to him, down the road. Clearly it's not now. My point is not that what CS is doing "works" b/c I do agree that what works is what gets them back toward you....
and what we are seeing is her stalling out.
I am HOPING that it means she's getting close to hitting the wall where she really has to look at the choices she has made and whether she's truly happier with these choices and IF NOT, what can she do about that...
But she's only beginning that stage imo. I hope CS can live his life well enough and happily enough that it doesn't matter to him all that much, what his w does...b/c HE is alright, no matter what. That means, among other things, NOT reading into everything.
CS til she SAYS OR DOES something about more time with you...none of this other stuff, matters much. Enjoy the fact that she is not a witch to you. It matters and it's a good thing, no question.
But that only means, she's not a witch to you. Let that be enough for now. No conflicts....and you live your life. Let her discover whatever it is she needs to discover to wake up. When she does, she may decide she's in a different place and is not interested in a reconciliation. We cannot know yet. She doesn't know.
Stop trying to win her back by doing all these "nice " things. What's that say about you?
Let's try and get to two months withut sending a pic.
Sounds like a good idea. CS??
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I see myself so much in your sitch. I want her back so bad and want the family back but its not healthy for me right now. what we want and what is happening are two completely different things.
It really is time to let go of the rope and do things for ourselves for our kids. Ii REALLY IS. ITS time to let go of the rope REAL REAL. We take their temp more than a doctor on some level.
ENOUGH COUNTRY!
My goal this summer is to be happy for my OWN reason and not be concerned about what she is doing. 25 once said, my happiness or sadness should not be based on her state of mind.
Lets do it country, lets help each other get there. For you it starts with no more pics and contact unless necessary.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
