So...am I still a newcomer?

[Telemark]

Weekend was enjoyable; went to the ball game Friday night, out for dinner and live music Saturday night and dinner & movie - "X-Men: First Class" - with S and D yesterday. Actually did not see W, her nephew and his GF all weekend until last night when I got home from Fathers' Day dinner. Nephew and GF were polite and pleasant as we said hello...W acted like I was not even there. I should expect nothing from her, but her coolness toward me was somewhat surprising.

A few minutes later W pulled out the Scrabble game and invited nephew and GF to play; another zinger since W and I played Scrabble a lot during the good days of our M. I went upstairs and spent the evening in my room reading and thinking...

We were two dysfunctional people from dysfunctional families and dysfunctional marriages who found each other and thought we were the answers to each other's prayers. We went too fast with everything, not stopping to really look at each other or ourselves. It was not long after we said "I do" that the wheels started to come off. I thought about the little signs of trouble that kept appearing, the added stress of dealing with a special-needs child and my own faults and insecurities.

And for the first time, I realized that W probably felt trapped from day one. That realization, coupled with her current attitude toward me, make me think there is very little hope of saving this R. If she didn't love me the way a wife should love her husband in the 9 1/2 years we were married, what could possibly happen that would cause her to love me now?

And even if she did agree to stay, I would always wonder if it was out of a sincere desire to make it work, or a sense of resigned guilt and obligation. She hid her true feelings very well for years; she could probably continue to do that into the future.

I don't know. Maybe this is the start of my dropping the rope. One one hand, I think I have not given this enough time to see where it is going. On the other hand, it seems like a hopeless situation; one where I should just cut our losses.