Journaling. I babbled on Herb's thread, and realized that I should be thinking in print on my own thread!
This last week of progress has got me thinking about what would actually make me "want" my H again. I know for me, being yelled at and threatened with divorce made me lose attraction for him.
I couldn't feel close to him when I thought he was so careless with my feelings. If he touched me in passing, I flinched inside, if we hugged in a good moment, being that close caused tears to just poured out of me.
I have been thinking back to when we met, what attracted me to him, what made my heart beat faster. He is a soldier and he looks like one. He's a handsome man, and I still love to see him in uniform after 26 years.
Call me a cavewoman, but I loved that warrior energy he gave off. I can't speak for all women, but I want to feel protected and cherished.
When he yelled, bailed on the R, and said whatever he could think of to hurt me, I didn't feel cherished or protected. The fact that he couldn't tell me what he was thinking in a rational way meant he was not in control. Not very manly, and I lost respect.
What would make me want my H, like I wanted him before is for him to be in control of himself, protect me, not hurt me, be clear about his point of view in a calm voice. I want to see him stop me from steam-rolling him without having a tantrum. Because I will. Not because I'm not nice, but because I expect that everyone is clear about their intentions like I am. So if I say "I think we should do xyz", and he agrees, I think I should be able to believe him.
I was never taught to ask for permission, and really, I hope to never "learn" that. I do consider all sides before making a decision that affects people other than myself.
He really is getting so much better at all of these things.
I really feel for you guys out there. It's so hard to be the strong fearless man that attracts your wife, and at the same time, be the guy that makes her feel safe emotionally.
