It's going to take time for Herb to show me that he is changing his behaviour. Today, he caught himself trying to control me. That's huge!
I too am changing/softening as he is listening/reading. But what complicates your sitch is that she is probably feeling guilt as well. And that can make someone very defensive if they don't know how to deal with it (look at my H!).
Is she going to IC? I can relate to your W feeling that you were trying to control her with money. My H did that and my response was to provide my own. It was also an opportunity for him to see that I was serious - I think he thought I would flop though.
He used to scream that I would get half of his pension, alimony, etc. I loved to tell him that I didn't want it, and he could drown in his money, all alone. God that was mean.
Your W used a bandaid to meet her emotional needs. That complicated things. Now, she feels hurt, AND guilty. But I feel that every time guilty feelings pop up, she replaces them with how hurt she was and justifies it for the moment. Believe me, I've done a lot of thinking about H on this topic - toxic shame. That's why I ask if she's seeing an IC.
