New to the forum.

[sandi2]

I had written a pretty long post and somehow lost it before it made its way to your thread. Anyway, just wanted you to know I had not forgotten about you. So I'll try to go back and touch on a few things.

She said that he was just a friend and that the reason she lied about him was that she knew I would overreact.

The answer she gave you is not original. Almost every woman who has been confronted about contacting OM has given this answer. It's cr@p.

They all spoke with the W and told me that the believe nothing had happened between my W and the security guard.

She lied, and was able to make them believe her. She may not have had a PA with the guard, but she has certainly had an EA and I can testify that it is extremely strong to a woman b/c it is all about emotions...and that is what speaks to women. This does not go away in a few weeks. I'm sure you found that out when you discovered the shirts, or whatever it was. She will continue to pursue the OM until he dumps her or something in the A goes south.

There is another reason that the A could stop suddenly, and that would be due to you, her H. But showing signs of jealously and "stalking" won't cut it. And those other things you mentioned......

1. Cry
2. Try to seduce her....I know, I am a man
3. Try to talk to out of divorce and about our Relationship

This is just about the worst thing you could do. It screams to her that you are weak, clingy, needy, insecure, jealous....on & on. BTW, just b/c you are a man does not excuse you for pursuing.

If you really want her back, then you must.....MUST stop doing these three things! If you continue, then you can bet that your M is over. I don't know how to make that any more clear.

So, since what you've been doing hasn't worked, let's look at what she says is the best way to get back together.

The first thing on her list is divorce. Are you giving her the impression that you may be thinking she's right? I don't think so. What would cause her to think, "Maybe my H is actually thinking of D me!" What are a few signs?

The #2 reason she gives:

She needs time to heal and find herself

Do you understand what she needs to heal from? I doubt she knows either, but it sounds good when listing reasons to a LBH when you happen to be the WAW in an A. But anyway, I think you should agree to #2. How could you show her by your actions that you go along with her thoughts?

Then, wait....she has a #a. part to the second statement on her list.

a. She does not know how long this will take, maybe a year or longer.

This is her way of telling you that she intends to be the one in control of the time period and to warn you not to go at a very fast pace or you'll loose any chance of ever getting back together with her. Frankly, there is another message in that statement, as well, but I'll tell you at a later time.

3. Begin from scratch

This is something that I'm sure just blows a man's mind! How can you start a R from scratch when you've been M? This would be a good time to read that chapter about starting with a beginner's mind. In some ways, that's what she means. She wants to wipe the slate clean and start over. Maybe.

Oh, another part #a. As friends. She keeps coming back to slow you down.
She's saying that after a year or more that maybe you can start over as friends. (How old are you now? Life isn't forever.) Part #b....later as boyfriend/girlfriend, and finally part #c....get M.

Is that what you want? Do you want to play around to see if she stops A with OM and if you can win enough ground to even come close to be friends with her? Notice that she is telling you there is no promise of ever getting M even if you were to do all of this.

But, if you believe that's the way to live the next few years, then what actions could you do right now that would cause her to believe that you agreed with her list? I'm not suggesting that you tell her that you agree. Leave talking out of the equation all together. What behavior from you would make her believe you agreed?