74 Days - Who Knows?

[Denver_2010]

Were there control issues? I don't remember now. If there were, she may be subconsciously testing to see if you will try to contol her still.

From her perspective, yes. I never thought so though. W always thought that I tried to control her using money. In her view, I kept our finances separate and held everything that I did financially for she and SS as a way of making her feel that she should ignore other things that I was not giving her... that she should just consider herself lucky that she had someone providing for her the way that I did.

In retrospect, I can see how she came to feel that way. But I still maintain that it was never my intention to do that.

This subject even came up just a few minutes ago. (minor update)

W texted me this morning to see if I had booked our trip to Disney World. I had told her that I was going to do that yesterday. I responded to her text and told her that I had not booked it. That I was hesitant bc of things being so up in the air with us.

W texted me back saying that there were no guarantees ever, and that she wasn't going to be made to feel like she needed to give me an answer as to 'us' in order for me to take she and SS to Disney World. She told me not to book the trip if that is how I felt and that she wasn't going to 'play games' about it.

See, so even the slightest mention of something that involves money triggers this feeling that I am being controlling by using my money.

I called her a bit later after her text. I explained to her that I was not trying to get any kind of answer from her, that I agreed that there are never guarantees in life, and that I understood that. I told her my hesitancy had to do with me feeling afraid of being hurt. That I would be extremely hurt if we went on this trip and then, when we got back, all of a sudden she told me that she was done... or was back to hanging out with OM. She reiterated that nothing is guaranteed. She said, 'what if we go and we are completely uncomfortable with each other... or what if I move back into the house and 6 months from now we see that it isn't working... what, are we suppose to pretend that everything is fine." She was making the point that anything is possible and that she can't make a promise to me that everything is going to be fine and dandy... whether or not we go on the trip.

I told her that I understood that. I did ask her what the status of her and OM is right now. She said, "there is no status. I told you what I was doing a few weeks ago."

I told her that I trusted that she was telling me the truth.

She then told me, without me asking, that she has not told her music company not to book her on any shows that OM is on, that she wasn't ready to deal with that, but that OM was not on any shows that she currently has booked.

I told her that was fine. That I had been very clear to her where I stand on that subject and that I am done being paranoid about it. That I trust to her to be honest with me. I told her that I really just feel that if she chooses THAT, then I know that I am done, that I will wish her good luck, and that I will walk away. I told her that I am not asking her to tell me every time that she has a show booked with OM, but that I do expect that she is not talking to him and/or seeing him. She said that wasn't happening.

Obviously, I am still paranoid about the subject of OM. I am trying not to bring it up or show that to W though. I felt that I needed to ask about the status today bc it has been 3 weeks since she told me that that was done... and bc I am going to be booking this trip.

W is right. There are no guarantees. Not for a week from now, a month from now, or 10 years from now. That is what is so scary. It kind of makes you want to avoid putting your trust in anyone.

BITS
Denver