I know I dont want to live the kind of M we had anymore. I want the old M back from the pre-MLC/alcoholic times. I think I am looking for bread at the hardware store when I expect differently from our current situation.
H drunk text me two more times on thursday night at 2am and said"I miss you everyday, I am sorry things havent worked out for us. I really miss my best friend". Then again at 2:20am and said: "Nothing good is coming out of this break up. I gave you my soul. Now your sober and too busy for an old friend".
I didnt see the texts till morning and I didnt respond.
Then last night at 11:30pm he tried calling me while I was at a friends birthday party/bonfire and I didnt answer the phone and let it go to voice mail. I then listened to the voicemail and he said: "I am going to pull the trigger on our divorce. You will be getting served papers by some stranger. I wanted to do it in person, but that is obviously not in the cards. I hope your going to be ok. If you need anything, you have my number. Take care".
I didnt respond. At that time, I left the bonfire and one of my best girl friends walked me home as I cried. I am just devestated. I didnt want the rest of my friends to see me break down so I left.
I am doing things differently, by not responding and not enabling and not being his friend this time. But it apparently is not working in my best interest. He is just more ticked off now and Is making me feel bad for doing things for me that I need to do to heal.
He wants a divorce. I want him sober and to want to work on our M. So we are butting heads. Now I will be getting served soon.
I just cant believe all this. I just cant wrap my head around it all. I tried to be the best wife I could be. I have forgiven him time and time again. I have bent over backwards to please him. I have read every book know to man about saving your marriage. I have DB'ed my butt off. I have applied all those principles and now I am applying the alanon principles, and NONE OF IT HAS WORKED in my situation. It has just made him desire beer and the bars more and more. I cant take this, even though I know its a progressive disease.
I know I will be fine. But my emotions are out of wack right now. I am exhausted. I am surrendering. If he serves me papers I will take them to my lawyer immediately. I will not fight him if he really wants this D. I am growing a backbone and if I have to face him: I will let him know I have tolerated all that I can, and I want a better life for myself and I am also DONE. Lord, save me!!!!!!!!!!! TIPPER
