Mlc: I have been asking myself those very questions lately. I dont really feel that H did a whole lot for me in terms of being a H. I look at other H's and I feel like they would do anything for their spouse, where as my was so self centered and didnt want to do anything I ever wanted or hang with any of the people I wanted. It was all about him and his needs all the time. I never got to do my hobbies with him or get taken out for nice evenings, or get little gifts. He was so thoughtless for the last 4-5 yrs. I bent over backwards for him. And he doesnt even see it. The thanks I get is him leaving me 3 times. Thats crap.
Notsosunny, I am not tech savy and for some reason, I cant find your thread? Is it here in the MLC forum or elsewhere? But I do think its great that you are going back to alanon. I feel very supported and loved there. And those are feelings I forgot how they even felt like to have. I hear in alanon all the time that the way my H acts and his withdrawl from my life is very common for a alcoholic. I hate watching him spiral down. I feel so wierd lately. Like, I am not sure I would want him back. I have never felt that way the other times he left me. Now I know that if he is not sober, I dont even want to really be friends with him. I dont want to be blamed or lied to anymore than I have in the past. I am sick of it. I am doing better on my own, because he was never around anyhow (always at the bar). I am so jealous of all the girlfriends that I have with awesome H's that bend over backwards to please and satisfy their wifes. I want that. My H cant give me that currently. He used to for the first 10-12 years of our relationship. But the last 4-5 years have been terrible. I feel so alone. But I am getting stronger.
Many people tell me lately that I still look like I am 18. I have been told by some of my guy friends that I am a catch. They tell me all the time how stupid my H is for ditching me, and if I were there girl, that they would take such good care of me. I hear all the time that I dont deserve to be treated the way I have been by my H. I believe all of that. But I am not ready to date anyone. Nor do I currently feel like my heart will ever allow me to. Is there something wrong with me? TIPPER
Mlc: I have been asking myself those very questions lately. I dont really feel that H did a whole lot for me in terms of being a H. I look at other H's and I feel like they would do anything for their spouse, Some would, some would not. But it's safe to say that the vast majority, would NOT treat their w's the way your h has treated you.
where as my was so self centered and didnt want to do anything I ever wanted or hang with any of the people I wanted. It was all about him and his needs all the time. I never got to do my hobbies with him or get taken out for nice evenings, or get little gifts. He was so thoughtless for the last 4-5 yrs. I bent over backwards for him. And he doesnt even see it. The thanks I get is him leaving me 3 times. Thats crap. Yes it is.
Notsosunny, I feel very supported and loved there. And those are feelings I forgot how they even felt like to have. I hear in alanon all the time that the way my H acts and his withdrawl from my life is very common for a alcoholic. I hate watching him spiral down. I feel so wierd lately. Like, I am not sure I would want him back. I have never felt that way the other times he left me.
Now I know that if he is not sober, I dont even want to really be friends with him. He's NOT sober.
But the last 4-5 years have been terrible. I feel so alone. But I am getting stronger.
Many people tell me lately that I still look like I am 18. I have been told by some of my guy friends that I am a catch... I dont deserve to be treated the way I have been by my H. I believe all of that. But I am not ready to date anyone. Nor do I currently feel like my heart will ever allow me to. Is there something wrong with me? TIPPER
Don't know. This isn't the place to figure out the past so much as what to do now and from now on. But of course you will have to figure all that stuff out eventually. I'm not saying it doesn't matter. But I'm sure not qualified to say if there is something wrong with you.
All I "KNOW"
1) is that your choices have kept you in a toxic relationship for a long, long time,
and
2) you can make different choices.
That seems like enough for now.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25, You got that right. I am so thankful for alanon and DBing friends who are giving me the strength to open my eyes and to fight for my strength and courage to move forward. Even if it is alone.
I have been so numb lately. Its terrible. I feel I have cryed so many tears over this, and they still keep coming. I just want them to stop.
I ran into H on sunday morning. If he hadnt gotten the point that I am not interested in his friendship and am not going to talk to him a lot, I think I drilled it home that morning.
He came by to give me my passport and birth certificate that he took with him in our firesafe when he left. When he dropped it off in our mudroom, I gave him a thumbs up sign so I did not have to speak with him. He then went into the garage to grab more construction stuff. I was bringing the dog inside, when we crossed paths on the back patio. He said "what is wrong" (since I was ignoring him), and I said "Uncle Gary died". As he said "oh no, I am so sorry" I walked into the house and shut the door on him mid-sentence and didnt look back.
When he left he text me: " so sorry for your loss, he was a great man! please let me know when the services are unless you dont want me there - I'll understand".I responded, "Thanks, The services are today and I will be attending both" (in other words, your not welcome to come). Then he text "where". I didnt respond. Then he text: "nevermind, I dont want to make the day any harder on your mom and yourself, but just know that I will pay my respects privately". I didnt respond. Havent heard from him these past two days since, pheeww!
His parents came to the wake. I walked them through the funeral line to ease their tensions on saying "hi" to my family members. They got to my mother and my MIL started crying, and said to her "thank you so much for still talking to us, you are such a good person, and I am very thankful that you dont hate us for what my boy is doing to your daughter" My mom started crying, I started crying. When they left, I just broke down. Too much Stress. Too much Loss. I hate how numb I feel lately. I am exhausted!!!!
Going to alanon tonight and I hope to bring up the topics of bitterness and loss. As thats what I am feeling lately. Bitter for losing so much in my life all so quickly. I cant stand it. TIPPER
And I'm sorry you are seen by others as a victim...
When the day comes that others see you as a woman in charge of her life, it will be SO empowering, enriching & enjoyable...sooo
When will that be?
YOU tell us...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
People have allready started to notice that I am becoming empowered to make good choices for me. They are seeing that I deserve more and telling me they are happy that I am not as devestated and heart broken as I was in the past(even though I still feel that way on the inside - I am not showing it outwardly the way I used to). They are happy for me that I have found alanon.
However, I still dont feel too good about it all. I still feel devestated that I am going to end up either divorced or telling my H ( If he ever wants to return) that in order for him to do so he would have to find sobriety. Those are my two options and neither looks very good to me.
I still am holding on to the hope of my H having a spiritual awakening that they(alanon/AA) talk about so many alcoholics having that pushes them to find sobriety. I pray for it. Thats all I can do. It is so sad to see him destroy his life and our M.
He text me twice yesterday. First at 8ish he said "I plan on cleaning out all the rest of the garbage and destruction debris from the garage if you could allow me one more week?". I said no prob.(that would be the last of his stuff and the last of him having any excuse to come to my house).
Then, He drunk text me AGAIN at 1:05am and said "Hello, I hope you are ok?".I DIDNT RESPOND.I know he was drunk, because he always is and because I walked my dog when I got home from alanon at 10:50pm and saw his truck at the local tavern as usual.
It is so hard for me not to respond to him. I really hope I am doing the right thing by using the last-LRT/going dark. Has anyone else used this technique and for how long???? what was the turnout???? TIPPER p.s. still no seperation papers sent my way. I am still thinking that is a good sign that he is pondering his choices.
Tipper, your H has left you 3 times. The last 2 times you responded to everything and clung to him and he left anyway. If you want things to be different, you must make these changes, if you don't, he will keep doing the same things over and over, it will not change.
Jack, I am who I am, and I'm sorry that I do not fit into this politically correct and feel good society. I am about straight talk and tough love. If that doesn't fit into this board, then so be it. Thanks for the heads up!!
People have allready started to notice that I am becoming empowered to make good choices for me.
Tipper, this is wonderful
Originally Posted By: Tipper
However, I still dont feel too good about it all. I still feel devestated that I am going to end up either divorced or telling my H ( If he ever wants to return) that in order for him to do so he would have to find sobriety. Those are my two options and neither looks very good to me.
I would like to ask why?
Do you really want to live in the kind of M that you had?
I am not suggesting it was horrible, however, I know from experience that dealing with alcoholics isn't any fun.
I am also not suggesting walk away, but I am suggesting that you take more time to heal and gain your own strength without constantly worrying about him.
He will get help or he won't...
Personally, I don't believe it is worth the cost. Constant walking on eggshells, never knowing what you are coming home to, wondering if they are going to make it home alive, if the phone rings is it the police because they are in jail for DUI or worse?
Never mind the mood swings that you try to anticipate depending on just how drunk they are...
Waiting and praying for them to pass out...
Not to mention just the over all stress...
Aren't you worth more than that?
I will say that I experienced this with parents not my STBX, because that was something that I knew early on that I wouldn't ever live with again in my life...
It was a boundary for me before I knew what a boundary was, and it continues to this day to remain one...
For me, it is this simple, "I will not have a drunk in my life. It is not good for me."
It has nothing to do with anyone else. If they choose that way of life, then I choose to not be around them.
Tipper, it really is ok to not want to have that sort of drama in your life again. It is ok to set that boundary because it is what is best for you...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I know I dont want to live the kind of M we had anymore. I want the old M back from the pre-MLC/alcoholic times. I think I am looking for bread at the hardware store when I expect differently from our current situation.
H drunk text me two more times on thursday night at 2am and said"I miss you everyday, I am sorry things havent worked out for us. I really miss my best friend". Then again at 2:20am and said: "Nothing good is coming out of this break up. I gave you my soul. Now your sober and too busy for an old friend".
I didnt see the texts till morning and I didnt respond.
Then last night at 11:30pm he tried calling me while I was at a friends birthday party/bonfire and I didnt answer the phone and let it go to voice mail. I then listened to the voicemail and he said: "I am going to pull the trigger on our divorce. You will be getting served papers by some stranger. I wanted to do it in person, but that is obviously not in the cards. I hope your going to be ok. If you need anything, you have my number. Take care".
I didnt respond. At that time, I left the bonfire and one of my best girl friends walked me home as I cried. I am just devestated. I didnt want the rest of my friends to see me break down so I left.
I am doing things differently, by not responding and not enabling and not being his friend this time. But it apparently is not working in my best interest. He is just more ticked off now and Is making me feel bad for doing things for me that I need to do to heal.
He wants a divorce. I want him sober and to want to work on our M. So we are butting heads. Now I will be getting served soon.
I just cant believe all this. I just cant wrap my head around it all. I tried to be the best wife I could be. I have forgiven him time and time again. I have bent over backwards to please him. I have read every book know to man about saving your marriage. I have DB'ed my butt off. I have applied all those principles and now I am applying the alanon principles, and NONE OF IT HAS WORKED in my situation. It has just made him desire beer and the bars more and more. I cant take this, even though I know its a progressive disease.
I know I will be fine. But my emotions are out of wack right now. I am exhausted. I am surrendering. If he serves me papers I will take them to my lawyer immediately. I will not fight him if he really wants this D. I am growing a backbone and if I have to face him: I will let him know I have tolerated all that I can, and I want a better life for myself and I am also DONE. Lord, save me!!!!!!!!!!! TIPPER
