I'm just journalling now. Writing everything is helping me to see things clearer, and from H's perspective too. This really might bore everyone else...
I'm beginning to see how hard it must be to live with ME!
I don't think I was "imprinted" with any traditional home-life models growing up. My dad died when I was young, and prior to that, there was alot of physical abuse (not aimed at me that I can remember), furniture flying out windows, my mom running away with me and my sisters, and my dad drunkenly hunting us down, and then hitch-hiking 8 hours to the nearest big city, being homeless on a few occasions, and my dad still finding us, them getting back together, only to wash, rinse, repeat, until he had a heart attack and died. I think on some level, she may have been relieved. It had been pretty ugly, she cheated, he beat her up. Actually, my dad was the OM during her first m, her neighbour when she was married the first time.
After he died, my mom ceased to be a mother in every sense other than providing (barely) the bare necessities. She had to have been traumatized too - my sister was murdered a year after my dad died - but to me, at the time, I just felt neglected, abandoned, and thoroughly f/u regarding my sister's and dad's deaths, while she spent every night/wkd with her boyfriend.
Although I was too alone during that time, I admired her bf, and we remained friends until his death 3 years ago - they broke up when I was 20. I loved his stories of survival. He never stopped playing the game of life to the fullest, and I always knew that I wanted to be like him.
When I m H, and went through the A, adoption, grief, etc., I became super determined and very independent. This worked for our m at the time because H liked that I was making money, and I don't think you can be a (happy) army wife and not be independent - H was gone for 9 months out of most years. I had zero problem making suggestions or decisions, and I THOUGHT that H was being honest when he agreed to something. I was wrong. It took me a long time to realize he was just trying to please me, and was actually NOT wanting to do something. Also, H actually suggested 3 out of the 5 old houses we have purchased, so not only was he agreeing to do something he didn't want to do, he was suggesting things that he didn't really want to do! I became very nervous about starting anything, suggesting anything, even when my gut was saying GO, and I have to admit, I have a good sense of when to buy and when to sell. H now understands appreciates that "skill" more, but I can see how stressful it was for him the last couple of years.
H would probably be happy enough to just work, save, retire, and feel that he had a good life. I would not. I think he's come to realize that he likes the end result of jumping off a few cliffs, but he doesn't enjoy the leap as much.
When H and I were flying home during his leave from Afgh the last time 3 years ago (actually, I think I have my dates mixed up, and it might be 4), we were both so inspired by seeing mom's old bf (the last time we saw him alive), and we decided to take a chance on investing in something when the right place came along. We were both working "for the man", something mom's bf had never done.
The next day, H came home after walking the dogs and said that there was a rental prop for sale on the street behind our house. He was going back to Afgh the next day but he told me to make an offer if it felt right. It did.
Our last move was during his latest injury, and I did plan it for when he was actually away for a month. I packed and moved. He just had to come home to a new address.
I'm not sure what just came out there, or if it makes any sense, but it helped me to write it.
Happy Father's Day to all you dads. Keep being good to your kids
