Dolphin, here is some stuff I haven't posted or told anyone before - late December 2009/January 2010 my xh [we were in the divorce process then] told me that the r with OW had been 'unwinding' since late 2008 [his word unwinding and I think it is interesting]. He tried to reconcile with me a couple of times during the six month period Jan - June 2010, but it was clear that he was suffering grief and loss in that time [teeth grindingly irritating but a reality for them]. And when he isn't being nice my xh, as you know from my posts, is very very mean and hostile.
He then resumed divorce proceedings and I totally dropped the rope, and we divorced. `Recently he has been very cautiously reaching out to me. I do not know whether it is genuine or whether I want any kind of relationship with him beyond civility, but the point is this all takes a very very long time. When they leave us they are damaged. The r with the ow is not a healing experience for them. It helps them [as far as I can see] to live out some things they need to live out, but it isn't actually good for them. So as it ends they still have a lot of work to do. I am still pretty sure my xh still has some sort of r with the OW, but it isn't as far as I know, going anywhere, and he knows it.
I really admire, and if I am frank, slightly envy those who are able to move on to another relationship and thus effectively close the door. I do not want another relationship, and like being on my own. But like so many of us here, I was married and happy for a long time. It wasn't an abusive r prior to MLC and I recognise that my xh has been genuinely mentally ill.
How far we should take responsibility for our mental heallth is a very complex question, and while I see there were choices, there was a lot of driven behaviour too.
When we are at the stage at which they genuinely might be coming out of MLC it is hard for us. There are still no guarantees and our patience is pretty thin. We see we deserve better, we see others on the boards who are with someone who treats them well. We read the posts of those who have reconciled and we see that it isn't easy, and sometimes they run again. And we read urgings of some posters who tell us we have stuck around long enough, go live our lives.
Dolphin, it isn't easy for you. My xh and I have never got as far as you before he has run again, but I have some idea of how hard it might be.
My h is definitely stuck, and there may well be a limit to what sort of relationship we can rebuild, if any. I think if you go back to thinking of this as rebuilding a friendship with someone you once loved, and who has had huge issues in his life recently, rather than anything else, it might help you re detach without being hurt. Aim for friendship. As Snodderley posted recently to me [What would we do without her] Friendship to a MLCer even one coming out of it, means something quite different. They take from us and are not able or willing to give much back.
Between a strictly transactional relationship and a co-dependent one there are many many shades of gray . . . . and friendship is a good option
