Too Tired To Fight

[Valeska19]

So today I felt better until I received a text from w

w: If you're available the wk of the 27th, Id like to try to sit down with you.

At first I felt sick to my stomach. And assumed that that she will be dropping the d bomb. After all she hasn't really spoken to me in 6wks. It's a very generic text IMO.

I haven't responded. Been talking alot because I'm really struggling. I can't seem to make decisions for myself. I am GALing, sleeping and eating, but I can't seem to take care of myself. I really enjoy DB & DR but the thing is.. when I do them, I know I am doing them for my m.. not for me. I want to change that. Not be selfish.. but I know I need to fix ME before I can fix the r/m.

The more I read Co Dependent No More.. the more I realize that I am trying to manipulate the situations to get a response. I actually started DBing before I even picked up the book and it was working.. but when w took space w/o telling me and then dropped the "I'm not sure I want you in my life" bomb.. I have really back slidden.

Will I beat myself up for this.. no.. but I'm going crazy. I need to go back to IC because I need help putting myself first. Like I said, I want to detach, love from a distance, understand, etc. I want to have healthy relationships. And after two months I can't do that on my own. I've been trying with books, advise from friends, but seriously.. I need therapy.

I plan to schedule an appointment this week. Get some clarity on my sitch. Start working on myself. I'm gonna hold off on texting w back.. but this is what I am thinking for when I do.


I want to know what she wants to "sit down about". Because my emotions run too close to the surface and as a CoDe.. I react.. I don't want to put myself in that situation again where I get blindsided. It happened 3 wks ago and I failed.

Then based off what she says.. I want to decide if I can do the following:

1) Have the conversation at all
2) Have the conversation in which I can actually put my hurt aside to DB
3) Need to have the conversation in a safe environment.. ie.. with the same c that helped us having a loving separation.

Again this would all be for me. I know the therapy might scare her off but then again.. w really liked her.. and if I'm honest in saying "Hey.. I'm really emotional right now. I'd like to have the conversation but would prefer if we did it with our C so I can guarantee its a loving safe conversation".. what's wrong with that?

Would really love some feedback. With 25 out of town and all of my friends having biased opinions.. It would be good to hear from people not attached to the situation.