WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[aeolianchaos]

So, heres my story:
W was in Europe for business for about a month last year. Came home and tells me she doesn't feel the same way about me as she used to - can't see herself getting old w/ me anymore and whatnot. I chalked it up to a normal phase of a Stage 4 relationship. It bothered me, but I tried to reassure her that sometimes we don't always feel 'excited' to see our spouses and that she shouldn't feel so bad.

As artists, our employment situation has been iffy at best, and to be honest I've struggled more than she did to be successful. Much of this is because I got burned out a few years ago and was living in denial about it for a long time. At times this manifested itself in me not taking good care of myself, not sleeping regularly, poor grooming habits, not trying to really thrive, etc.. basically all the signs of depression (which of course, I could not see..). She responded to this by telling me I was an embarrassment and implying that my failings were moral. Now, I am very good at arguing with people and being 'right' even when I'm wrong, so when put on my heels I would get defensive and we would fight. A lot happened over the past year - no matter what I did, she would always criticize it and cast doubt on it. When I would try to change she would suggest that it was only because I thought she wanted to hear that and that I would only do it until she got off my back.. not very supportive.

Things have been difficult for a while and I thought it was all my fault - I sought therapy in Feb. and after about a month or so felt better than I had in about 2 decades and was really motivated to work on M and then within a week of getting back w/ W, she tells me she's been having an EA and PA since last July. I told her to leave and we spent a few weeks apart. After about three weeks she calls me up telling me she needs to be home and that being around each other would be better for putting our marriage back together. I say OK, and that we should make an appt. with a Marriage Counselor ASAP. In hindsight, I believe this was premature and that I was not in a position to be around her and not be affected by the hurt and anger that I was feeling about her A. I think my PMA while she was elsewhere created a bit of hubris for me and I thought I could deal with it better than I did. Anyways, during the time she was back in the home, I was very kind to her - very supportive and encouraging her as best I could. Well, about 3 weeks in, I find these texts on her phone scheming w/ a friend of hers to send the OM a birthday gift, and her talking about calling him on his birthday. This hurt all the more, because she had admitted to seeing him while I was out of town getting therapy, and I was going to be out of town again for dental surgery. It feels like she is taking advantage of my misfortune to get her kicks. After getting caught, she got on a wave of "I don't know that I love you enough to try to work on our marriage" thing.. a lot. It felt like she was using our relationship as a weapon to keep me from telling her how she had hurt me. Anyways, within a week, she walked out the door.
Since then she has told me she wants a D. Given me the ILYBNILWY, talked about how she felt like she held herself back for me, told me how she doesn't love me enough to work on the marriage, claims that "in the long run I'll be happier", claims that she believes that D is better for her.

The marriage counseling never really went anywhere - the first visit was pretty superficial, and the second was my personal history.. the third was to deal with the new crisis, and the fourth was basically where she said she wanted Divorce. I hit the ceiling at that one (not literally) and ended up shouting at both her and the Marriage Counselor (who basically was saying "she says she doesn't want to be married to you anymore.. accept it") and pretty much declared marriage dead. Ended up walking out of the counseling session early because it was just too much for me @ the time (I since apologized to the counselor for my behavior). The Next day I read DB in one sitting and have resolved since then that no matter what, I am going to work on myself and my relationship skills, and will eventually have a more loving, more meaningful, and deeper relationship than the one I had going. With or without my current W. In many ways, I wanted a divorce - symbolically at least - from the old relationship - it felt like I was being manipulated and abused by her and that my attempts to set up boundaries ended up being perceived as (and might have been) controlling.

Since then, I have made every effort to change some things right away - no more 'logic bombing' my W if she talks to me about something and I disagree. I apologized for some of the things that I said to her that I felt were wrong or unfair. I have been really turning the microscope on myself quite a bit (to the point, in some cases, of perhaps beating myself up) and have discovered many things that I can improve and work on (controlling behaviors, fears of rejection or abandonment). Communication is minimal - I have been trying to pull back and give her space, but it seems like she is taking this as license to continue to walk all over me and 'dictate' the terms of our R and the D.

At this point, W has already met with a L and is planning on going through with filing for D. In the e-mail I got today, she essentially just laid out the steps for divorce as described by her L. She has basically said 'L will draft something up and then you will sign it.. ' From what I can tell, it seems that she has been plotting parts of this for a while now, to go into L office and file for D without really doing much else. My therapist said that its posssible she walked in there knowing exactly what she wanted to do and that she may be being very opaque about her intentions in order to keep me off balance. It also would appear she expects this D to be completely uncontested - she spoke of her L just drafting something (property division agreement) we both sign and then 90 days later we are D. She seems to be approaching this as something to be dealt with very cold and clinically - almost like a mail order vehicle registration renewal.

My own therapist (and parents, and friends...) has strongly encouraged me to get an L, FAST, and even file an at fault divorce first, in order to protect my interests. Especially in light of the fact that i don't want the actual D and that she is the one who actually did cross a bright red line in trms of her A. She (therapist) has framed it as 'its not a question of whether or not you love her, its a question of protecting yourself from someone who seems intent on getting their D so you might as well not give her everything else too.'

At this point, I'm confused and just plain exhausted. There is a part of me that wonders if W could ever actually change enough (integrity and commitment to working on problems have become big deal breakers for me) for me to want to work on M. To be honest, for a long time, neither one of us really worked towards solutions. Instead of solving problems, we got really good at identifying them (especially in the other person) pointing them out. That didn't help anything.

At the same time I do love my W, and I took my vows with complete intention to fulfill them. I value marriage and believe that it would be better to solve our problems with someone I already do love than to hope to fix them on my own or in a future relationship.

Either way, i feel like a lot of these changes are things I would be proud of regardless of the outcome of my marriage. I'm just looking for some insight and wisdom at this point. Esp. regarding contracting a L.

[aeolianchaos]

Well, I'm sure this is being moderated and appearing much deeper down the threads. But I guess I'll journal a little bit.

Past couple days have been so-so. Hard time sleeping but still getting a little bit of work done - trying to work out something I can do to take care of the money situation for myself, as she was making about 90% of it the past few years. Self-employment seems like the most attractive option if I can gin up enough business for the time being.

Had some good success with GAL in seeing friends (who recommended a really good lawyer) and taking my first yoga class. Been listening to a lot more music and getting back into some of the stuff I used to love back when I met W. I think the lawyer seems like a good guy, and the yoga class seems like it will be great for me, as I have a lot of postural issues. Still definitely spending way too much time thinking about my situation and how crazy I think it is.

Interactions w/ W have been limited to e-mail over the past week or so. That's fine with me - seeing her triggers some serious fight/flight response and I'm still learning to detach. It's been almost a month since she said she wanted D, but with her going straight through w/ filing I'm sure if I saw her I would be tempted to do something that I probably ought not do - if just for my own well being, or frustrated w/ her cold and clinical tone about the whole situation. It is weird someone who typically acted more emotional (I was always considered the analytical one) has gotten so cold and so detached. I guess thats what happens when you spend a year individuating before actually pulling the trigger and leaving.

To be honest, I never recognized it was so bad. I think 'denial' would be too gentle a term. I think it was more like 'too wrapped up in one thing' and 'oblivious' to the deeper issues in our marriage. I thought she was frustrated with me because of my anxiety and depression - had no idea she was seriously viewing divorce as a realistic option. We've only been married for 4 years, and she started an affair after 3?!? It seems like a pretty short time to start that kind of thing.

The affair really slays me - especially since her deflection and reverse-accusation tactics are things that I now know are textbook behaviors. At the time, she had me convinced I was the paranoid one. At this point, I think its realistic to say she played me big time and seems to still be doing so.


Since the W won't articulate anything specific about why she wants a D (other than ILYBINILWY), There are certain things I see that I do that are problematic:

Defensiveness: I am really not good when it comes to people attacking me. I reflexively will find fault w/ their argument rather than understanding why they are trying to communicate something w/ me. I have had some 'cold war' issues w/ her in-laws because I thought they were 'poisoning' things by criticizing me and my contributions. In hindsight, I should have just talked w/ them and a)verified that what W told me they said was what they actually said and b)asked them that if they are really concerned, they should talk to me about it directly because being covert is just making things stressful.

Controlling behaviors: this is one I have started to see in myself. I never recognized that my behavior might have been controlling, but now I can see how there was a big element of that in what I was doing. Hopefully, awareness will be the first step in eliminating that kind of behavior. My concern is that why would I be controlling others? Dr. Schnarch would say it was because I couldn't control myself. I think there is some validity to that - with getting burnt out my self-control went down the drain and I was at a point where I couldn't really handle a lot.

Anger: I have had a hot temper in the past. I think a lot of this was situational, but it doesn't make it any better for me as I worry about it sometimes. Typically I'm very peaceful, but when things have gotten too stressful I have struggled to contain myself. I suspect much of this came from a lack of resiliency on my part after years of beating myself up mentally in the misguided belief it would help me get better at my craft. There were definitely times where I OVER reacted to a situation and said or acted in a way that I regret, a lot. I think therapy has done wonders for this (although being hit w/ "I want a D" still made me basically blow my top).


Nervous System: I had a 8 cup a day coffee habit for a few years. Looking back, I can see that this was a terrible idea. Since reducing my intake to 0-12oz / day I have been doing much better.

'Fixing': I am a fixer if there ever was one. I hate to see people unhappy and will do what I can to convince them to feel better. In some ways though, I think this might be a manifestation of that controlling behavior. I don't know.

Stubbornness: I can get very stubborn about things. Not just w/ other people, but with myself. Its the negative side of persistence - not taking the time to re-examine the situation and really assess if what I'm doing is what I really want to be doing and if it lines up w/ the other things in life that are important to me. I allowed our careers to become such a focal point of existence that all other options were basically excluded. On one hand, its good dedication. On the other, with the burnout, I wasn't really doing much to pursue my career either.

Those seem like the big ones to me. If I were to speak about my W and the things that seem to stand out to me it would be:

Opacity: she almost never directly says what she wants or is thinking. Especially if it is about the person she is talking to. She will obfuscate or just shut down rather than say what she means. I have seen her do this so many times, and now realize that she did it with me, too. She will allude to things but not really every say exactly what she is talking about. She will get angry at me for not doing what she wants (in bed, around the house..) but she never directly requests things.

Attributional explanatory style: by her own words, someone is a 'good person' or a 'bad person'. I guess this is a common issue with people, where they are more likely to see themselves situationally and everyone else by trait. But, it seems to play a substantial role in how she makes her evaluations of the world, and perhaps how she evaluated me and decided to leave the R.

Aggression: When she does decide to say something, she tends to do it in an aggressive way that leads to fighting and arguing. I think she sees it as being assertive, but its done w/ disrespect and and with a tone of criticism and judgement. It never ever ever got through to me and usually triggered my defense mechanisms to the point where I would basically talk her backwards and fight w/ her.

Fakeness: I've always known my W 'put on masks' around people, and she adapts like a chameleon. Even with languages, she picks up accents and inflections within days whenever we traveled. But it seems to go a lot deeper than that and I suspect it may have played a role in some of our intimacy issues. I think because we loved one another, I assumed she 'kept it real' with me, at least. But clearly, there is a lot where she didn't keep it real, and actively deceived me in many ways. I feel like she puts on masks w/ people because she fears if they knew the real her, they would reject her. I think this is a big part of why she seems to have such facility w dishonesty.
I'm speculating of course, but it makes sense to me.


Reflected sense of self: This is the biggest one, in my estimation. I think it ties in a bit with the above issues. She has always placed an enormous value on what others think of her and if people like her or not. She can't stand it when someone doesn't like her or is mad at her - she will lose sleep over it. She doesn't/wouldn't say things because she worried it will 'hurt' me, but I suspect what she is really worried about is that her thoughts or wants could be rejected by someone. It is far easier to hide them and put on a known acceptable face or avoid conflict. Avoidance of conflict, shame, guilt, responsibility are themes that were common in our M. If someone is mad at her, she will choose to avoid them rather than apologize and seek forgiveness. I think this may be part of why she would say things to me like "You are an embarrassment" when I was depressed. because in her mind, my problems reflected poorly on her and thus she was mad at me for hurting the way she thought others perceived her. I think that someone with a solid sense of integrity would not have done that to their 'best friend.'

I think the thing about all this that nags at me the most is that I KNOW these things could be handled, or at least the ones I'm responsible for. It was only after she left and I read DB that I realized 'holy cr@p.. you mean we could have worked some of these issues out like THAT?' (I especially liked the solution of taking off one's clothes when arguing.. that sounds fun). At this point, I don't know what to think, though. I mean there are some elements to this that are not about me and are perhaps more profound and more troubling than my lack of work or attachment issues. Will those really change? Do I want to be with someone who will not directly communicate w/ me what it is they are thinking, and then get mad at me when I don't cooperate with the thing I don't know they want me to do? Don't I deserve respect and honesty? Don't I deserve to be loved and supported when I am down as well as when I am up? Shouldn't I want the future mother of my children to be oriented towards solving problems, not fleeing them? Someone out there, help me reframe this from another perspective.

[aeolianchaos]

bump? I would really appreciate insights.

[aeolianchaos]

Journaling..

I'm finding the mornings are always the worst - I tend to lie in bed and process a lot of what-ifs and could-haves. This is the exact stuff I was getting much better at stopping when I first was working with my therapist. Its the kind of 'painless' self-abuse that just eats up a ton of time and leaves me psychologically tired before I even get out of bed. I need to work on this - I don't know that any great insight is going to come from this behavior, and it starts to overwhelm me with doubt.

One thing - and its kind of mundane - is that I have been taking care of her cat since she left. I was also taking care of it when I asked her to leave in the beginning of April. At this point, my feeling is that as much as I love the cat, it is not my cat and the cat definitely views W as her 'mom.' W is strongly attached to this cat and seems to care more about the cat's well-being than mine. I am pretty sure that she is going to ask me to keep the cat and my inclination is to say no. Not because I don't like the cat, but because W always seems to take my contributions to our life for granted, and treats them as inadequate or unimportant because they aren't monetary (nevermind that I've liquidated stocks and used inheritance money to help pay the rent because I thought the plan was not to just get a job, but to seek success in our field and then settle down..). Strangely though, she never articulates this directly and thus, I had no idea that it was so important to her, or that she thought our plan should change to a different plan. My feeling is that taking the cat would just be another example of me being a doormat for someone who seems all too happy to step all over me on the way to her own success.

When I was away getting therapy, I noticed that typically it was W calling me with her problems and me being the one supportive of her - helping her to focus, or lose anxiety, or shrink down the perceived issue to a size where it became manageable. It seems like in hindsight, she reflects on that as "well you know me better than anyone else" and that thus my actions did not at all validate our marriage or my role in the relationship. At the time, I did them because I care about her and wanted to help, not because I thought it would help our marriage - but they are significant to me as I was able to help her feel okay when she was overwhelmed.

Had an interesting evening last night w/ my parents: I had no idea how much 'discomfort' they had around W. Esp. this past year - apparently the things she was saying and doing were pretty offensive, and she made comments about me to the extent of 'I'm going places, and if he's not.. well..'. Not a nice thing to say about your H, but I guess when you are experiencing all the coping mechanisms of hiding an EA and PA, you probably start to feel like those kinds of statements are acceptable or normal. Sister is pretty upset too, as W was a bridesmaid in her wedding last summer and she is in a ton of the photos from that event. They are very supportive of me but do maintain the perspective that as much as I'd like to, I cannot change what W is doing or who she has chosen to be. Much of her negative behavior were things I overlooked when we were together, either because I was naive, or just didn't see it as something that was destructive enough to offset what I believed her positives to be.

Still, I do wish things were working out differently - I feel like a little direct and honest communication would have made a world of difference between us. I suppose that is also my responsibility, and I do regret not being able to recognize that my own needs and wants were going unfulfilled for so long and thinking that what I was doing was okay. It was probably behavior that could have been categorized as co-dependent, or at least been similar in nature.

I wonder sometimes, what the intention of DB is in a case like this - would I still wish to be married to this person in the state they are in? I can't change them - what is their incentive to change? How much would they have to change in order for me to feel like I had a spouse that I could count on? I know its harsh, but what kind of mother could someone be if they can't hang in there when things got hard?

[aeolianchaos]

Received an e-mail from my L this afternoon, asking me to try to figure out what I believe would be the ideal outcome from this D proceeding. I guess its a reasonable question - if W is getting the divorce either way, might as well figure out how to best protect myself.

I don't know if she wants to go through mediation or what her idea of a good outcome would be - frankly I don't trust her enough at this point to consider anything she says to be legit. She has been lying for so long about so much and even when I thought the lies were over, she still kept lying.

I try to put myself in her shoes - perhaps this really is the best she is capable of at the moment. Maybe this really is, in her mind, the only way she will ever be able to be happy - perhaps its guilt, perhaps its because she has so thoroughly torn me down to rationalize her own behavior, I don't know. I can't know.

I do wish I had done a lot differently - I've told her this already and I don't think the words really register. I think she has been thinking about being alone for almost a year, and probably has gotten her head so deep into that direction that I can't even begin to know where she is really at. She says things sometimes that really just don't make sense: "everytime I come over here I start to have doubts" .. but then she says things like this "I know you don't want any of this- but as you said before, I need to do I what think is best for me and my future"

I just want to scream!! It is as if she has no reality on the effect of her decisions and choices on other people. She is so focused on herself and how everything relates to her.. its so frustrating, yet I cannot change her. Trying to will probably only make things worse.

But I can't say that I would want to maintain a 'friendship' after D at this point -- she has not been a friend when she lied to me, when she cheated on me, when I was depressed and she would criticize and insult me, and she certainly was unwilling to tell me whatever I needed to hear. Maybe she didn't know how. I feel like maintaining a friendship would only further validate her behaviors and be very painful for me.

[aeolianchaos]

Great day today. Although I'm not a father, I got to spend it with mine and really enjoyed being around the family that seems to stick w/ me no matter what. It makes me appreciate how fortunate I am to have them there for me.

Although the thinking about W is still present, I would venture to say today was a 4 on a scale of 1-10. Not a 1, but still beats a 7 or an 8. I'll take what I can get in that department.

Been reading a lot the past few days and want to start taking a little more active role in my getting of a life. A lot of it has been happening freely, but I do feel like perhaps some more engagement on my end will lead to far greater satisfaction. I do remember a time when I was very active and seemed to have a lot more going on in my life - a lot of this was before I got M.. hmm. I don't like to attribute cause and effect like that to an outside person, but it is a little weird. Maybe I had issues that didn't really fully manifest until the right stresses were in place. I don't know.

[aeolianchaos]

Quick update - got a text from W last night letting me know she was in same city as I was, albeit at 2am.. very odd. I don't know why, as she hasn't texted me in over a week - suddenly she wants to do that?

I think I'm best off not responding at this point - I have enough to worry about without getting pulled into that whole situation. Figuring out what I want to be doing w/ my life is kind of a big deal right now.

Talked w/ a friend yesterday who was adamant that I should seek spousal support - pointed out that W is clearly only concerned w/ her own interests, and that I had spent the past 3 years doing a lot of relocating in the interests of her success, not really giving myself the same opportunities to succeed, and certainly not being in a position to support myself financially. At the time, that was 'the plan' and I was okay w/ it because I saw it as us working towards a larger purpose. I was in denial about the effect it was having on me and the way it was making me feel about myself, but I still always supported her emotionally and definitely did a lot of packing, loading, and unpacking along the way.

I'm a little conflicted about the spousal support - I think for me its more the principle of acknowledgement that "HEY! I was a part of this whole thing, and maybe if you had valued that you might not have treated me the way you did, and chosen to leave the marriage after 3 years.." Because at this point, she is just so focused on herself and 'her future' that it really does feel like it invalidates my contributions and the role I've played in being there for her and with her every step of the way. I know that it means I'm still kind of focused on _her_ validation of me, but I guess maybe thats normal when someone feels like they got stepped on and used.

[aeolianchaos]

three contacts from W today - one totally random, 2 seem to have 'purpose' to them, but not really things I needed to know about, or needed her to tell me about.. Not sure if I should respond to any, or how to respond. At this point, I don't want to walk on eggshells, but I don't want to give the wrong impression. It seems like she is operating under this illusion that getting divorced != the end of our relationship. I understand sometimes this is true, especially w/ kids (no kids here..) but I don't see why I would remain friends with someone who has mistreated me and lied to me as much as she has. That just seems like doormat behavior and I need to work on ending that kind of thing.

Meeting with L tommorow. Should be interesting. Never actually had to see an L about anything before, and I don't know what to expect. Not sure how to proceed - just move forward? Slow-walk things? Just really don't know.

[aeolianchaos]

Being moderated kind of stinks - by the time my post shows up, its about 3 pages deep.

[aeolianchaos]

Journaling:

Met w/ the L for the first time this afternoon. Really nice guy, and certainly seems focused on mitigating the pain of this whole situation as best possible.

W called this afternoon about half an hour before my meeting, wanted to know if she could get some tax info from me. I was kind of short w/ her - partially because I was on my way out the door, but also because I was not exactly happy to hear from her considering I was about to go do something I had never ever expected or wanted to do. She e-mailed me later apologizing for calling and stating "i guess I should just e-mail you.." these kinds of statements always leave me feeling a little confused. Does she believe that _I_ don't want to hear from her? Does she think that _I_ am angry and she isn't allowed to talk to me? Does she just _not_ want to talk to me? I don't know.
Sometimes I think its a self-pitying statement on her part (she makes a lot of these..) but perhaps she truly believes what she says - perhaps she thinks that there is no way anyone could possibly love her after what she's done, and that whatever I feel comes from some place of being needy or dependent. Any guesses?

Listened to some Wayne Dyer while on the road yesterday and one thing that struck me was the idea of the people in your life who you meet - they are your teacher - you can learn something from them, even if they don't know what it is. So I've been asking myself - what is it I'm supposed to be learning from the situation I'm in right now? Am I supposed to learn to treat myself better? To know how to set boundaries? To listen to myself w/ more love and less self-abuse? Am I supposed to learn to be more forgiving? How to forgive for the right reasons? How to let go of wanting other people to do what I think is right? Maybe its to learn to let go of things that I think I want? To see myself in a different way than I have been? I think there are so many things to learn - I'd like to learn the lesson that I need to learn so I can avoid this situation repeating itself

I Read the Four Agreements last night - good book and very interesting. I couldn't entirely figure out how it applies to my marital situation, but the application to life itself was pretty clear to me. I'll probably read it again in a week or so just to process it further.

Finally getting back in a groove w/ meditation. It was so crucial to me getting myself out of being burnt out, and learning to accept myself where I am.

I am really considering making a lot of life changes at this point not just to do a 180 or GAL, but because I'm starting to come to terms with how important it is for me to make sure I'm feeling more stable and even a little more financially secure. I have some real hang-ups about working a 'job' that I'm going to have to confront in order to be able to move beyond this place of worry. It does feel like taking a 'job' is another step towards acknowledging that I haven't succeeded with my 'dream' and that I need to do something else. Probably a good thing to talk w/ my therapist about.