Fool me once, Shame on ME

[FaithnAK]

HORRORS, am having a real downtime today and I cant explain why.

Want to call her so bad and talk to her. Ask her about what she meant with the quote. HERE comes the downward spiral . Wonder where her head space is at right now.

I wont act on these feelings but they are driving me nuts. I dont know why this is happening.

I am trying very hard to stay the course but I guess today is a major backslide in my GAL. I havent called her but I want to so bad.

I mean ,I have gone dark and it really hasnt changed much. Except that moment of weakness from her about a downward spiral.

Help please.

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Want help?

LET GO!!! Validate her. Realize your happiness doesn't revolve around HER. She is with someone else. There is NOTHING you can do except become A BETTER YOU! YOU are better than him! Know this, get this, feel this. MOVE FORWARD and let her go. The longer YOU feel this way, the longer SHE senses this. Man, you have got to let go and become different than what you are now. YOU have too.

I get it. You want her! BUT you have to understand, you CAN'T have her right now Damn it. Just become the guy YOU know you should be. MAKE HER REGRET HER CHOICE.

[direction1]

Thanks Faith..helps me too! 9, a question to consider asking yourself, (AND I got this from the book The Way of the Peaceful Warrior)How can I be Unreasonably Happy? Think about it, then practice.

[ninelives]

Thanks FAith. Just needed a reminder AGAIN. It really helps.

I was on the way to the dentist yesterday and I saw her driving towards me. I had my shades on and my motorcylce gear and pretended not to see her. I was about to walk in when I heard my sons voice. He was in the van. She was taking him swimming down at the docks which are about 2 minutes from our house.

I said no problem. He said he wanted to go to a friend's house after. Again, I gave him a thumbs up. It bothered me a little because we were supposed to go swimming in our pool which I busted my A$$ getting ready for him after school but I know that kids would rather be with their friends.

He promised me that we would do it together tomorrow.

That was yesterday.

Today as I was walking off the rugby field after my gym class, I had this feeling that things were going to be OK again. That I cant let a girl dictate the rest of my life and how I feel. I really need to drop the rope and bury it for awhile. I know this and sometimes I do but then I slide sometimes, I have to be more consistent. And be an effing man for gods sake. I have kind of failed that lately. I have been weak and emotional for such a long time.

I definitely showed her that at the beginning but I believe even though I have felt those emotions, I have not shown it to her and am trying to be strong.

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[Redo]

And be an effing man for gods sake. I have kind of failed that lately. I have been weak and emotional for such a long time.

Nine, know that backsliding will always happen. We are after all human. I guess you should not punish yourself for backsliding. But as Faith has pointed out, recognize it and try to move on. One thing you can do is look forward to the good things you have going on: your kids, your new relationship that you have developed, your other GAL activities.

In my case, i have started developing relationships with my family that i had long ignored. It gives me something to look forward to.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

9,

Backsliding.

It WILL happen.

Because I knew it would happen, I would do my best to control mine. I knew what I was going to say if I started one. I'd pratice it, in front of the mirror, in the car on the ride home from work.

Sounds funny? Maybe but I was in control of what I said when it did happen. Not my monkey brain looking to do as much damage as it could while covering everything in poo.

Knowing you are going to backslide, however, does not mean you should be looking for opportunities to prime the hand gernades and start chucking them willy-nilly. You still do your best to prevent it.

And example? The prison guards know there will be a riot one day, but knowing it will happen doesn't mean they get to be lax.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Oh... your thread title, reminded me of an old post.

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice shame on me.
Fool me a hundred times, I must be a LBS.

: )

[ninelives]

Thanks Jack and Karma for the gentle reminders. No I havent acted on my backslides. That I would have a hard time forgiving myself for at this stage of the game. Im just disappointed that it happened again with such vigor.

Had a laugh at your Fool me verse. I must be a LBS for sure.

But Im not letting her fool me or suck me into the game at this point.

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[LearningPatience]

No I havent acted on my backslides. That I would have a hard time forgiving myself for at this stage of the game.

9,
one of the first things I learned once my world started crumbling was to learn to accept my mistakes and move on from them. Before, I would brood, worry and obsess over the things I screwed up. I probably make as many mistakes as before, but now I leave them behind me. Probably the *most* important lesson I could have learned.

[ninelives]

Not much to update except there have been a number of texts about oldest son.

His birthday is on monday and she wanted to know what I was doing for it. Im having a few of his friends over and asked him what he wanted on the menu and also asked if he wanted any activities.

He wants to keep it pretty low key. He doesnt want it in two place either. SO i invited my W for cake and Pizza if she wanted and she seemed very happy to accept. Not going to make a big production of it at all.

My w and I texted earlier in the day about oldest sons poor performance in school. She said that he blames her for everything including her robbing him of his later childhood.

I didnt respond to that. She mentioned if it was possible that he come over tonight to her place.

I replied, " Nothing is impossible" and she answered that with God I hope so, do you really think anything is possible?

I responded with a " huh?"

W: I just meant that i hope oldest son is ok and Im hoping for a miracle.

M: He doesnt need a miracle.

W: So, Tell me exactly what he NEEDs then huh?

I didnt respond to that text.

W: So do you have my old tires for the van and you know I work on father's day so you can have the kids for that day, do you want youngest overnight?

M: No it wont be necessary to have overnight.


Later I had a friend pop over for a swim with his daughter. His wife and my W are/ Were very good friends and she talks to her about 2 times a week.

He told me that my W always asks about what Im doing? I asked in what context and he says that his wife said that My wife seems curious about my life.

Just a few minutes ago she called to clarify the birthday one last time.

M: Well he wants it low key, just a few friends and pizza and wings.

W: Ok that sounds good.

M: YOu are welcome to come for some cake.

W: Oh thats good

M; YOu can even have a slice and a wing if you want.

W: Thanks

M: Okay , well see you around

( she didnt want to get off the phone)

W: So oldest is coming good, where is youngest.

m: Down at the docks again, i will swing by and see how he is.
Okay, see you.

W: And what time should I pick them up.

M: I dont know whenever you want. I wont be here.

W: Where are you going.

M: OUt. ( BTW, I m going to a crazy baseball dance, happens once a year, havent been in years but last time I was there, it was crzy full of lovely ladies)

W: Oh okay

M: Youngest was in pool all day today and then our friends came by with their youngest daughter and even our dog is digging the pool.

Iknow she would get a little jealous about the pool use. Okay, so I took a little petty shot on that insecurity of hers.

W: Dog is in the pool, you let her. What about the liner.

M: No prob, SHe jumps in , gets her toy and comes to stairs.

W: She would love that.

M: Yes she does, okay gotta go.

W: Bye

Thats it for now. She is building a deck on her property and I wonder how much that will cost her. She is pi$$ing away the money from the settlement. As I knew she would.

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[ninelives]

NOt much to update:

She did text me on father's day to tell me that youngest son wrote:

Fathers day today. And had a bunch of hearts around her white board. She said, They both love you so much.

Then she wrote: I hope you have a good day with your boys.


I went to a dance on Sat night. There were many of my former students there and lots of nice looking ladies but to be totally honest. I missed my wife sooooo much at that dance. I only had a couple of drinks and so many of my ex students could not recognize me with all the weight I lost and cut my hair.

Before I left for the dance , Wife came over to pick up the boys.
I had new clothes and then purposely took my overnight bag out and put it in the trunk. I was going to use it as well.

W: So where are you going anyway.

M: Out

W: I see you are staying overnight. Where are you staying?

I walked away without a response and got the boys rounded up

W: Could you please drop the boys over to my house.

M: Sorry, cant't Im running late. ( which I was)

I then went to the dance. It was fun for the most part as I did see alot of alumni there. Also saw a girl that is now 30 years old and is also a teacher in little current. She lives about 4 houses down from me and is very good looking. I have always hit it off with her. Maybe somebody to think about down the road.

But again, I thought of my wife alot that night. Then I was thinking, but she is with another man and that doesnt appear to be going anywhere. I wonder if she really does love him. They've been seenig each other on the sly for nearly a year and a half now. One year behind my back and now 6 months in the open.

But if she truly loved him, would she have stayed in my room at the hockey tournament with me. Would she have let me cuddle with her , massage her back etc... Would she have sent me the text about her downward spiral.? I dont know , maybe Im just fishing.

Today is my oldest sons birthday. She is coming to the dinner and for presents and then Im sure she will leave early. Im sure her BF wont want her to stay there too long. Also, against my better judgement, I invited my BIL which is ok, but then he asked if his W could also come. We had a blow out if you remember about a month ago and I havent spoken to her since.

I said sure, but I dont have to talk to her much , just be civil.
I know that she doesnt like me and supports her sister but MY son did say that he wished everybody could be together for his birthday. This one last time I will make it happen and maybe this is a 180 for me as I would normally hold a grudge. Maybe its good that she can see me forgive.

I have to get Pizza , Wings and the fixing for milkshakes.

BTW: The last couple of day have been tough for me. I guess the holidays and birthdays make me question what she is thinking to break apart such a good family. I wonder if she is happy .

Forgot to mention. When my sons stayed with her on Sat. She asked oldest:

W: Where is dad going Sat. Night?

OS: I dont know.

W: BS, you know , please tell me.

OS: I honestly dont know.

She was pi$$y with him
OS: What do you care anyway?

W: I dont know, just curious.

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