I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering

[ClingingToHope]

Running out of steam with the girls. They have had two friends over for two days now and they are whining about the food. Well ... I purposely bought non sugar healthy stuff for the week and their friends don't like it.

They are testing my patience.

Now, they are sitting inside watching TV on a beautiful summer day. I told them they have until 2:30 p.m., then the TVs go off and they have to go outside and do something ... anything.

Another call from XW this morning. Today, she is driving down to a college 3 hours away with her mom to get all of the stuff of her wayward sister.

This is the 37-year-old who hasn't had a job in seven years. She found a federal program last year that pays for indigent people to go to college.

So back to school she went last year and this year, after Christmas, she dropped out and has just been down there using her mom's money to drink and smoke.

She called to ask if I'd let the dog out today. We don't have any other pressing plans so I said yes.

Cake eating ?? Probably. Nice guy syndrome ?? Probably.

Saying no when I have no real plans for the day seemed petty. Besides, I'm somewhat enjoying the family drama.

[ClingingToHope]

I don't know if Church_31 showed up at the wrong time. She joined the church group at the same time I did and she's become a friend and really a prototype. I may never end up with her, but I think I want someone like her.

I remember the December fling. The Match girl was beautiful, outgoing and ... easy ... and it just didn't feel right. So I ended it after just two weeks.

I think I'm ready to wait until I get someone special. I see guys all the time who were so desperate they would date anyone and I'd sit there wondering why he's with her.

An aside, I rarely see very pretty women with schmucks. I think women just aren't as desperate. But I don't know the other side.

Today has been tough. D12 was out of clothes and through a fit this morning. I didn't react as well as I should have and that just got the whole day off on the wrong foot. D12 and D8 had friends overnight and they didn't like the lunch I prepared.

I only shopped for three people this week and I didn't buy much junk food at all. Mostly, low calorie, low sugar healthy stuff.

Well, these two friends come from a big family and pretty much eat what they want so they were complaining. I didn't take that too well -- because of money. I'd have just caved and taken them out, but I'm stressing on how much this week has cost already.

Eventually, after swimming I took them home.

In the car, I had time to think. I was angry because of my own fears. The fear that I can't hack it as a single parent -- the clothes issue. And the fear that I can't make it financially.

When I got home I apologized to the girls, who thought all this was their fault.

Last thing, D12 told me XW joined Match and eHarmony. Of course, I've been on both for a long time. She saw XW signing up one night.

I'm not crushed. I'm curious now. If motorcycle was ANYTHING other than a friend then that is likely over.

Also, XW told the girls last year (2010) that not only wouldn't she marry again, she wouldn't even date again.

I didn't believe it then. I think she'll find it a little rough out there. She's not super outgoing. She had a lot of dates when she was younger just because she was so beautiful.

I know I'm supposed to be totally detached. You can see I'm not there yet. I'm still wondering if she's figured out the grass isn't greener on the other side.

[whatisis]

I don't know if Church_31 showed up at the wrong time. She joined the church group at the same time I did and she's become a friend and really a prototype. I may never end up with her, but I think I want someone like her.

I remember the December fling. The Match girl was beautiful, outgoing and ... easy ... and it just didn't feel right. So I ended it after just two weeks.

What I meant by the wrong time is that these women tend to show up at times when we shouldn't be even thinking about it. Again, maybe because we're so wounded we're looking (not so much consciously) and being a bit more aggressive in approaching them and getting friendly...I dunno. I like the way you're looking at this though. Just don't fool yourself and then a month from now tell us "guess what..." Hey, but you're not me and I'm no expert on your life lol.
Btw, to say Match girl was "easy" was an understatement!

[ClingingToHope]

Journaling -- having some issues this morning with D12. She was freaking about not having the "right" shoes for church. I was kind of in my own world about some things and lost my patience.

I hate it when I slip up and let my anger show.

After the service I apologized.

Now, she's watching TV in my room and D8 is watching in the living room.

We ate after the service and they want to go to XW's house from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. while I'm playing softball.

XW apparently won't be there. She's still returning stuff of her younger sister of the aforementioned drama.

For some reason, I'm back in the 'grass isn't greener' thought that XW will realize I was the one for her.

Funny, the less I text Church_31, the more that thinking comes back in.

Still miles to go with detachment.

The girls have some cheap father's day presents they'll give me tonight. D12 will then head to XW's since she has to travel to a theater camp tomorrow morning. It's an hour away.

D8 is staying here tonight and I'll take her to daycare. She isn't doing anything special this week.

I'm going to spend a lot of time at work, working out and donating plasma. I need to live as cheaply as possible for the next two weeks until I have the girls for another week of vacation.

I'm all of a sudden struggling with focusing just on today and the goal of living without anger and fear. It's taking a long time to make this feel natural. I lived for so long wanting to and thinking it was good to control everything.

[whatisis]

For some reason, I'm back in the 'grass isn't greener' thought that XW will realize I was the one for her.

Funny, the less I text Church_31, the more that thinking comes back in.

Still miles to go with detachment.

Exactly, it's great that you're on top of what you're thinking! It's so tempting to do otherwise. The detachement road is long and winding, it takes time so allow yourself that time.

[ClingingToHope]

Ugh. D12 is in theater camp at a college about an hour from here. XW drove her in this morning.

This weekend is mine with the girls. There's a showcase -- final performance -- Friday at 5:15 p.m.

XW sends me a text that we could all ride there together.

I am watching my pennies and it would save gas ... but spending an hour with XW on the way up and an hour back? I don't know. She just divorced me. She's searching for love on Match/eHarmony.

I just don't think I can fake happiness and contentment for that long. And I don't want to sit there in stony silence.

Options)

a) just go.

b) Say I can't get out of work that early and I'll leave directly from work -- two cars.

c) Say I can't get out of work in time and have her drop them off when she is finished.

[Daybreak]

CTH,

I would go with option B. The monetary cost pales in comparison with the emotional cost for you if you shared a ride with FW.

[ClingingToHope]

Db, I am leaning toward B. Do I make up an excuse about work, or do I just tell her the truth?

"XW, you just divorced me. I really don't feel like spending two hours together in the car -- even if the girls would like it."

Perhaps it's best to just keep it short.

"I'll drive down on my own. Do you want me to pick D8 or will you? After, since it's my weekend, D12 and D8 will ride back with me."

More random texts with Church_31. Hard to read much in. Really, it's just nice to have someone to send stuff to during the day. Today, I asked for her input on D12's mood swings and my reactions to them. This is something I would do with XW -- but XW doesn't get to hear my weaknesses anymore.

First day back at work and ... I had no energy again. I was thinking about a coworker from years ago. He was a pretty good reporter when I knew him. I advanced to a larger paper and, when there was an opening, I recommended him for the job and he got it.

Unfortunately, in the interim, his fiance, who he met in college, broke up with him. He was just a mess. He worked for us for less than two years. He was constantly late. Unfocused. He wasn't the best looking guy and she was pretty cute and he just couldn't get it together without her. We fired him and I couldn't defend him.

Funny, I was thinking I have to get my act together as well. It's not as if I've completely crumbled. I just took second place in a state journalism award -- with an honorable mention in another category. But I've been working at about 75 percent speed for two years now.

[awest1217]

Telling the truth in a nice nonconfrontational way is good. It is still important to learn to communicate your feelings in a constructive way with XW because it will help you with the girls to talk with them and in future Rs.

[ClingingToHope]

I sent XW a text saying I will drive down separately and asking if she wanted me to pick up D8 since it is on my way or did she want to?

I have been finalizing plans for my trip to the Mall of America with the girls in two weeks. My aunt and cousin are coming down from Canada and the cousin is offering to help pay for the costs of taking the girls to an amusement park.

I don't like to accept the help, but I hadn't planned on having to stay at a hotel so really I can't refuse. I have $300 saved and it's a three-paycheck month, so there's a little extra there. Still, it'll be tight.

It's going to be a fun, but long, three days.

Message through Match from a lady in Michigan who comes to my area twice a month or so -- she says. That's a five-hour haul. She wants to know if distance is a deal breaker. I said, not really, but I'm not moving from my kids and financially I'm not going to travel much other than with them for the next couple of years.

So if that's OK then hey, I'll meet her the next time she's in town.

I'm just looking to fill my "dance card" really.

L's secretary called. The state should begin pulling CS directly from my check with the next check. No more checks from me to XW. That's good. I want it to be like taxes -- just there. Also, they wanted XW's number so she could come in and sign a form on the pension split. I'll get $12,500, which I'll let sit until I either need it for a house or perhaps tuition for a Master's. We'll see.