So yesterday morning I was in a car accident. The accident wasn't that bad, but totally shook me up. I called w (it's her car, she drives mine... and I didn't have the latest insurance card). She was very pleasant and caring, but still distant. Didn't really offer to help at all.
A few hours later she called to check in on me. Still very distant. Everything we said was pleasant until the end. She was like let me know if you need any help. I was like thank you that I appreciate it but there is no pressure to help me. She got (what it seemed) slightly angry and was like "it's my car and my insurance.. just let me know if you need me to deal with any of that). She said I was glad I was ok. I believed her.
After we ended the phone.. I felt bad so I sent a text "Hey. Sorry if I sounded snooty.. just per our last conversation about space (her saying I couldn't be in her life) I didn't want u to think u had to help. I really do appreciate your concern, and I'm sorry it it came across as anything but".. She didn't answer.
Called me a few hours later to give me some insurance info. My phone never rang. She left a gargled message so I called her back. She didn't answer. She sent me an email with the info.
Of course part of me is angry and her for not stepping up and being the w. I had to figure out everything on my own and it pissed me off. The other part is mad at me because I should have kept my mouth shut about the pressure. Part of the reason I said it because it's true. Part of it was because I wanted her to know that the door is open if she wanted to step through. Part of me wanted her to step through!
It's very frustrating for me to see what I'm doing wrong in reacting to her. I tell myself what I want to say, how I want to feel.. but when the time comes.. I can't control my anger and hurt. I can't keep trying to manipulate the situation to get what I want.. which is the feeling that my w loves me. Wishing that she loved me even as much as all the friends that supported me yesterday.
I try to be easy on myself.. but its frustrating. I want to forgive, detach, act on the thoughts and feelings.. but I keep getting angry and hurt. I guess it's understandable seeing that I'm only 2m in.. but nevertheless how do I get to that point.
Everytime I talk to her.. I'm reminded that the NC is good. Granted she started it.. but I clearly can't have any conversation right now where I'm not reacting. In general I react. It's actually part of my job.. but there my reactions are based from experience.
Anyway.. to end on a positive note. I didn't dwell too long on her actions. I had the opportunity to upgrade my rental car to a Benz for very cheap. Got invited to dinner with a g/f and then picked up another g/f and we all went line dancing. So my day ended up going from Sh!t to sunshine.
Today is a new day. Another day to keep trying.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
