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[RedNailPolish]

Journalling:

Went to Hs apartment so he could help me complete forms for childcare benefit. All was going well. We were chatting and joking around and I even took a shower at Hs apartment as I was still in my gym gear from doing a pilates class in the morning. Then H took a shower and I went to get S3 ready so we could all go out to the football. I took S3 to Hs bedroom to get him changed and there were dirty clothes on the floor. I saw his underwear and then I stepped on something which I didn't recognize and I picked it up and saw that it was OWs corset/underwear. I wanted to vomit. I froze and felt completely paralysed. I walked out of the room and S3 was running after me. I went to another room and I sat on the floor and began to shake uncontrollably. I felt so afraid. I knew they were still together but to see and hold the evidence was too much. I just wanted to get out of there.....but I couldn't. What was I going to say? I had no right to confront him. I knew and he knows I know that they are together. But it still hurt. It hurt my husband was sleeping with OW. And in an apartment that we use to live in. And who knows maybe they live together. I just don't know anything anymore. 

But I had to make the best of it for S3. He was excited about going to the football and I didn't want to ruin it. So I pretended nothing happened and we went. It was pretty ordinary night. 

We drove back to Hs apartment and H asked if we could watch cars2 the movie next weekend as cars is S3s favourite movie. I said sure as he caught me off guard. If I had more time I would have said no. Anyway we arrived at Hs apartment and H put S3 in my car. S3 cried and said he wanted H to come home. H replied no I'll see you next week. I just got in the car and we drove home. No hugs or kisses. No text to see if we got home safe. Nothing

I feel empty. 

I want to give up because it hurts so bad. And then S3 cries when we get home and he says "I want you and daddy to be together. I want us all to be together mummy, please mummy, please" 

So for S3 I gotta keep trying. I just have to keep trying.