Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

Hi, I am a new member. My situation is complex, so I apologize for the long summary and appreciate any imput.

I've been married for 13 years and together for 19. Our situation has deteriorated with every passing year. I have had an anger management problem throughout my adult life and my husband comes from a broken family and an abusive alcoholic father during his childhood. Needless to say, we both brought a lot of baggage to our relationship in addition to all the mistakes we've made, letting anger and resentment take over our marriage.

Last year was the worst - the only highlight was a trip to Hawaii - we had a great time and I felt very hopeful that things could improve. We bought a new house in Nov.and also went to New Orleans for a week-long work convention from my husband's job. We had a terrible fight my last day there (I returned 3 days earlier than he did). I later found out that he started an EA with a client from Oakland at a party the day after I left.

Three weeks later I found out I got pregnant during our trip (we had been trying all last year). My husband later admitted that when he found out, he felt trapped by this pregnancy.

We moved in to our new home on Dec. 17th. On the 20th he told me ILYBNILWY. He said my anger had finally destroyed our relationship and that he had given up on us and was moving out. Despite all our problems, I was shocked and in my usual angry reaction, I told him to leave - I didn't want him to stay if he didn't love me. He moved out on 12/23 and on January 17th we had our worst argument ever - he once again placed all the blame for our problems on my anger. That was the day I hit rock bottom and decided to get help for anger management and started working on fixing myself.

On January 31st he asked for the divorce. He told me he now had a new life, new friends and he was happy. He also said he did not want anything to do with me anymore and I would need to start looking into how I would support myself because he was only willing to help with joint children's expenses.

Since he had always been in charge of our finances, I immediately started to look into our financial affairs to learn what I would need to take care of if he followed through with the divorce. That is when I found out about his EA with OW - she is married, lives in Oakland and has 2 daughters. He later told me she was just a friend with whom he shared his marital problems. He told me her husband had cheated on her, yet they were working on restoring their marriage.

I am not sure exactly when the affair turned physical, but it was as early as January. He has visited her frequently and she has also come down here a few times. He has tried to hide the affair unsuccessfully - he is a terrible liar. I have been finding out info gradually in the last six months through clues he leaves behind and I admit it - through snooping in on our phone bill, credit card records, and his and her facebook and twitter pages.

I confronted him on his EA back in April. He became very upset, turned it on me and accused me of snooping and denied it. He added he didn't think there was anything wrong with him dating anyways because he had been very clear back in late January that he wanted the divorce and I was the one who asked him to wait and think about it. He also said he wants to be happy and does not want to look back in 10 years and realize he has been miserable or wasted his life.

He has also displayed other signs of a MLC - he joined an online dating service in January, which he just disconnected a couple of weeks ago. He is exercising regularly, updated his wardrobe to a younger "cooler" look, spending $, going out, etc.

In the meantime, I have been working with a coach, reading a lot of self-help and relationship books, including Michelle's DB and TheDR and have worked on my anger management and becoming a better person, wife and mom. Although I have had setbacks, I have made a lot of progress.

Our relationship has also improved. We don't argue nearly as often as we used to and when we do, we reconcile right away instead of holding a grudge for days. I have stayed away from talking about his new lifestyle, his affair & dating, spending, detachment from our daughters, or our relationship. I have tried to concentrate on being a good friend, being supportive and improving our interactions. He had noticed some my changes and commented on them. He has moved from not wanting anything to do with me, to sometimes showing genuine care for me.

Yet his behavior is inconsistent. Sometimes he is mean, rude and detached, and is always texting OW or other friends. Other times he is very nice and treats me like a friend, engages in conversations and shares some of his feelings and we've had some fun times together. Twice in April and once in May, he made some advances, we got intimate and he ended up spending the night. We have also gone to the movies twice in the last month. A couple of times in April he acknowledged being depressed and not knowing what he wants.

Last weekend OW came down and stayed with him for 3 days. Before her arrival we went to our niece's graduation together. He texted OW the whole time and didn't bother hiding the texts, which I could clearly read. Later that day he accidentally left his cell phone in my car and I read some of his text messages. Big mistake - I wanted to die. He is very much in love with her and she just told him she is meeting with a divorce lawyer to end her marriage.

All of this, led to a huge setback on Wed when he was supposed to come over and have dinner with us. He was a no show and later argued he had to work late on a presentation. When he finally showed up, I had been crying. All the lying and having OW be with him for 3 days had taken a toll on me. I left to avoid a fight, but when I came back he insisted on wanting to know what was wrong and I made the mistake of crying and telling him I was tired of his lies. I then refused to talk to him any further.

The following morning he texted to apologize for the dinner misunderstanding. He said that he likes how our friendship has been growing, and that he is starting to trust me again, but he sees I that I don't trust him since I called him a liar. He added he is not lying to me, but simply refuses to share certain things like details of his dating life because he knows it hurts me. He also said he feels I am snooping around his life and knows I want more than a friendship, but that he doesn't. He said he wants to have a non-confrontational relationship with me and that is step 1 for him. He added that he cares a lot about me and doesn't like to see me hurt, and that he is sad because he realizes he has no power to fix that. He finished by saying he desperately wants us to get along, that he misses his friend and knows it's not going to happen overnight and he wished we could share stuff with each other.

That same day he was supposed to go to a Father's day breakfast celebration at our daughter's pre-school. I had told him about it the previous week and handed a printed school flyer as a reminder a few days later. When I dropped our D off that morning, he again was a no-show. I decided not to call or text him to remind him. I just calmly gave him the present she had made for him when he came over that night. He got visibly upset and started crying. He said he had been so worried about me being upset the previous night that he totally forgot about the breakfast. I calmly asked if he thought this was somehow my fault. He replied no and left abruptly.

He called two hrs. later and asked why I hadn't called or texted once I got to the preschool to remind him. I calmly told him that I don't know his schedule, if he couldn't make it or just forgot. I added that I never call or text whenever he is a no show cause I don't want to nag or pressure him and did no differently that morning. He replied saying if I was a true friend I would have called since this was an important event. He asked if I did it as retaliation because I had been upset and had called him a liar the night before.

He again why I had accused him of lying and I finally confronted him on his PA with OW. He continued to deny it for the next 10 minutes until I confronted him with irrefutable evidence, at which point he became completely silent. I then told him that OW and his relationship with her was not my problem and they would both someday have to figure out how to explain their actions to their own children. I told him I was glad it was all out in the open and that I would not talk to him about OW again. I assured him that I would not expose him to anyone. I added I would continue working on my growth and changing myself and if his R with OW didn't work out and he decided he wants to work on our marriage hopefully I would still be waiting for him.

He continued defending himself saying there was nothing wrong with his actions because in his mind, he wasn't married to me anymore and reminded me he asked for the divorce in Jan. He was very angry and said our marriage should have ended many years ago - he should have never had children with me and that he had been in an abusive relationship with me for 13 years. I asked if there had been anything good in our marriage and he said no - I destroyed our relationship and any pain I may have been suffering in these last 6 months doesn't even compare to the pain he has felt for 13 yrs.

I told him I accepted my responsibility in the demise of our relationship, and that I have worked on changing and fixing my mistakes ever since he moved out and I hit my bottom. I added that I had also been unhappy for many years. He then said that if I thought a simple letter of apology from me would do it, I was very wrong (I had sent it when I started my recovery back in January). He added he doesn't believe in my change. It's all just an act to get him to come back and that he didn't think I was a good person.

I said I was sorry he felt that way, that I know I am a good person but that I have made many mistakes in my life - and that time would tell if my change is real or not. I then told him I realized he had not forgiven me and that he still holds a lot of resentment and anger towards me. Since I cannot control that, I would continue focusing on myself. That I have forgiven myself because I need to make myself happy and become a good example for my children and added that I sincerely hope he can someday find the way to forgiveness more as a gift for himself than for me.

At this point we had both calmed down and he responded that he knew he needed to somehow find forgiveness but was not there yet and that he didn't mean what he said about me not changing. He added he had even told OW how amazing I have been the last few months. He ended saying that he didn't know where to go from here, he was out of answers and also felt terrible about missing D's school event. I told him nobody expected him to have all the answers, that he should move on and make it up to D by having a great father's day on Sunday.

He finally added that the reason why he got so upset about missing D's event was that for the first time since he left it hit him that we are no longer a family and a team. He said if he had been living with us, I would have reminded him about the breakfast the night before and he would have not missed it, but that now he would have to figure all these things out alone. I kept my mouth shut and said nothing.

We said good night and I somehow felt relieved. All is now out in the open re. OW - I don't have to endure any more lies and I continue moving forward with my fixing. This evening we had a cordial phone conversation re. this weekend's logistics with the girls.

I ordered "Not Just Friends" and "Love Must Be Tough". I feel I need help now to learn to set healthy boundaries for myself and not continue enabling him to play family man and dad whenever he wants while having a bachelor lifestyle when it suits him. The preschool breakfast incident was the very first time I let him experience some of the consequences of our separation and his actions. I still want to save my marriage and improve our relationship, it's finding the right balance where I will need help.

Thanks for any input or advice anyone may have!

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M:40
H:40
D1:3.5 yrs. old
D2: 2.5 yrs. old
S1: Due Date 7/31/11

M: 13 yrs / together 19 yrs

EA: 11/10/10
PA: could have started as early as 11/10
ILYBNILWY: 12/20/10
Sep: 12/23/10
He asked for Divorce: 01/31/11, but has not filed yet