New to the forum.

[Lonely in SLC]

Where to begin. I guess I will start off with some background information. My wife and I have been married almost 12 years. We have 2 great boys (10 & 8 years), and a lovely daughter (5 years). The bomb ("The love I once had for you is gone") happened back in March of this year. She asked for a separation. She moved into my daughters room. I was devastated, panicked, and pursued.

Two weeks, and I could see things were not getting better. I had a hard time understanding that she needed time away from me. Was'nt the reason why she was mad is because I had neglected our love and taken both her and our marriage for granted. I thought she wanted me to be more attentative and to spend time with her.

Shortly before the bomb, she began to attend a night club everyother week with her friends, a girls night out. Before, it was only twice a year. This was not like her. I began to have suspicions that she was seeing another man. I began to spy. I had a suspicion that it might be a security guard at the night club that she liked. She denied even knowing him.

A month after the bomb, with the situation remaining the same, I notice on the cell phone bill about 50 text messages a day to this security guard that she claimed she did not know. Ouch. In my mind, I was now confident that the reason why she no longer wanted me was because she found someone else. I lost trust in her. To be continued...

[sandi2]

Glad you came to the DB board for support. Your M can be saved, but a whole lot will be up to you. Don't expect her to want to work on it. Don't expect to see her change right away. You can expect her to act completely opposite of the woman you M. She is already a WAW, and she's having an A. It may be an EA or PA, but it is an A. How you decide to deal with it....will probably decide the future of your M.

First thing is to detach emotionally from your W. Hard to do, but it is necessary if you are to survive this disaster. Second thing is to pull back from her. This is what doesn't make sense to men. Even if she complained about you not being around enough or contacting her, etc.....that was the past. Now it is different and what she wanted in the past....will not work now. That's over. Men make the mistake of trying to become what she begged you to be for years. Too late now. You've got to get that through your head. Now it's time for a different approach. It will sound crazy to you, but it works!

Third, is no relationship talks. You can't fix her, so don't try. Talking from you will only hurt the situation. Learn to listen.......look her in the eyes when she talks. Just listen, and don't respond with ho you feel.

Go get a do-over on yourself and get out of the house to find a life apart from her. Yes, I know it's hard with three kids, but it can be done. You won't want to, but you need to in order to make yourself more interesting and attractive to her. More about this later.

Go get a copy of The Divorce Remedy and read cover to cover.

BTW, don't tell her what you know. Don't tell her anything right now. Hope to hear back from you soon.

[Lonely in SLC]

That night I confronted her. She said that he was just a friend and that the reason she lied about him was that she knew I would overreact.

During the next few weeks we began to go to MC as well as seeing our Bishop (Pastor). I explained my suspicions. They all spoke with the W and told me that the believe nothing had happened between my W and the security guard. They also advised me that I needed to give her space.

Due to my jealousy, I was not able to do this. I continued to spy and pursue her. On May 19th, she asked that I move out because I could not stop "stalking" her. She was scared of me at this point. I was an absolute wreck. I had begun reading the Divorce Remedy, but nothing was sinking in. I thought I knew better.

A week later, I found out that she bought an XXL WWE shirt with her personal debit card that I had forgotten about. The security guard loves WWE, and the size seems to fit him. Again, I confronted her, this time at MC. She says that the shirt was for my son, who also likes the WWE, and that she must have got the wrong size. At this point, she had had enough. She asked for a divorce, and stopped going to MC because it was a waste of money. I thought my life might as well end.

[Lonely in SLC]

So, where do we stand today. I am currently living with my parents. We are working on the Divorce without lawyers. It has gone smoother than I expected. I dare say that we are "almost" friends. She has asked for full physical custody and joint legal custody. She is a great mother and lets me take the kids whenever I want, which has been every weekend.

This is the part that is most frustrating and gives me hope. She believes that our marriage is dead. She is very superstitious. She claims that the best way for us to ever get back together is as follows.

1. Divorce
2. She needs time to heal and find herself.
a. She does not know how long this will take, maybe a year or longer.
3. Begin from scratch
a. As friends
b. Later as girlfriend/boyfriend
c. Get married again

But nothing is guaranteed.

We are friends, will go to lunch maybe once a week, and even went to a movie together about a week ago. We also went to the movies last Friday as a family and saw X-men.

The major problem with all of this, I have such a hard time being with her and not doing one of the following...
1. Cry
2. Try to seduce her....I know, I am a man
3. Try to talk to out of divorce and about our Relationship

[Lonely in SLC]

This leads me to why I am here. I have continued to read the Divorce Remedy, and certain parts have finally sunk into my thick and stubborn brain, such as....
1. Get A Life
2. Find the positive buttons to push, quit pushing the negative buttons.
3. Be positive around her
4. Do not talk about our Relationship, her feelings, and quit pursuing her.

The problem is that I need help and encouragement from others that have experienced or are currently experiencing a similar situation. My family have not been much help. They wonder why I would want to fix my relationship with my W when 1. It is obviously dead, and 2. She does not want to be with me and is treating me poorly.

They just don't understand that she is my other half, and she makes me happy. In my religion, we believe that marriage is not just "till death do you part" but for "all eternity". My W believes this too, she just believes we need a separation for some time, even if it lasts until death, but that we will be together after.

Please share your opinions and advice, I can use it now.

Thanks

[Lonely in SLC]

Today has been a decent day. I have the kids this weekend. I took them to a place that has a bunch of trampolines. Tonight we will bbq some hamburgers. Three kids keep you busy. I definitely don't have a lot of time to think about the divorce. They are all happy kids and give me a lot of strength to move forward.

Only one txt with the wife. She had told me yesterday that she was upset that all she got was a card for Mother's Day. I reminded her about a cd and bracelet that I bought for her a few days before. No response from her.

Hopefully everyone else has a great Father's Day!!!

[sandi2]

I had written a pretty long post and somehow lost it before it made its way to your thread. Anyway, just wanted you to know I had not forgotten about you. So I'll try to go back and touch on a few things.

She said that he was just a friend and that the reason she lied about him was that she knew I would overreact.

The answer she gave you is not original. Almost every woman who has been confronted about contacting OM has given this answer. It's cr@p.

They all spoke with the W and told me that the believe nothing had happened between my W and the security guard.

She lied, and was able to make them believe her. She may not have had a PA with the guard, but she has certainly had an EA and I can testify that it is extremely strong to a woman b/c it is all about emotions...and that is what speaks to women. This does not go away in a few weeks. I'm sure you found that out when you discovered the shirts, or whatever it was. She will continue to pursue the OM until he dumps her or something in the A goes south.

There is another reason that the A could stop suddenly, and that would be due to you, her H. But showing signs of jealously and "stalking" won't cut it. And those other things you mentioned......

1. Cry
2. Try to seduce her....I know, I am a man
3. Try to talk to out of divorce and about our Relationship

This is just about the worst thing you could do. It screams to her that you are weak, clingy, needy, insecure, jealous....on & on. BTW, just b/c you are a man does not excuse you for pursuing.

If you really want her back, then you must.....MUST stop doing these three things! If you continue, then you can bet that your M is over. I don't know how to make that any more clear.

So, since what you've been doing hasn't worked, let's look at what she says is the best way to get back together.

The first thing on her list is divorce. Are you giving her the impression that you may be thinking she's right? I don't think so. What would cause her to think, "Maybe my H is actually thinking of D me!" What are a few signs?

The #2 reason she gives:

She needs time to heal and find herself

Do you understand what she needs to heal from? I doubt she knows either, but it sounds good when listing reasons to a LBH when you happen to be the WAW in an A. But anyway, I think you should agree to #2. How could you show her by your actions that you go along with her thoughts?

Then, wait....she has a #a. part to the second statement on her list.

a. She does not know how long this will take, maybe a year or longer.

This is her way of telling you that she intends to be the one in control of the time period and to warn you not to go at a very fast pace or you'll loose any chance of ever getting back together with her. Frankly, there is another message in that statement, as well, but I'll tell you at a later time.

3. Begin from scratch

This is something that I'm sure just blows a man's mind! How can you start a R from scratch when you've been M? This would be a good time to read that chapter about starting with a beginner's mind. In some ways, that's what she means. She wants to wipe the slate clean and start over. Maybe.

Oh, another part #a. As friends. She keeps coming back to slow you down.
She's saying that after a year or more that maybe you can start over as friends. (How old are you now? Life isn't forever.) Part #b....later as boyfriend/girlfriend, and finally part #c....get M.

Is that what you want? Do you want to play around to see if she stops A with OM and if you can win enough ground to even come close to be friends with her? Notice that she is telling you there is no promise of ever getting M even if you were to do all of this.

But, if you believe that's the way to live the next few years, then what actions could you do right now that would cause her to believe that you agreed with her list? I'm not suggesting that you tell her that you agree. Leave talking out of the equation all together. What behavior from you would make her believe you agreed?

[Lonely in SLC]

It has rained on and off all day here in Salt Lake. It kind of reflects the range of emotions that I have experienced. Having the kids definitely helps take my mind off of the current situation. The three are great and always happy despite what is going on. They are truly a blessing.

We played games and ate a big breakfast in the morning. The afternoon was spent going to the movies. I miss not having them around always.

The hardest part of everything is the roller coaster of emotions that I'm going through. The last week I have been more upbeat about everything.

But while driving back to my parents place the waves of sorrow came crashing down upon me, threatening to drown me. I cried while driving home. It has been a week since the tears last flowed. This is hard........very hard.....

[Lonely in SLC]

Sandi,

I just wanted to thank you for your insight. It definitely helps hearing the perspective of an unbiased individual. Please keep writing.

I have had plenty of time to ponder events that led up to my wife wanting to separate from me. This is important to me because I need to learn and grow from my mistakes. At first I could not understand anything. I have always been faithful, provide a good lifestyle for my family, and was always with my family.

I say always, but this may not be entirely true. True, I was physically in the house, but my mind and energy towards my family was not. You see, my life became very stressful a couple of years before. Let’s just say the demands of work and church got to me. I had a hard time dealing with this stress, and depression hit. It was not until last month that I was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance; to be more specific, my body is not producing enough serotonin. My wife became frustrated with me not interacting enough with both her and the kids. You can say that I took my wife, my marriage, and my family for granted. I never realized that love is like a fruit tree. In order to taste its goodness, you must first prune and water it. I hope everyone understands this analogy. Let’s just say, lesson learned.

Another issue that led us here was how we argued. My wife raises her voice when she is mad. When I get angry I say hurtful things. I always had the belief that "almost anything goes" during an argument. Shortly after any argument, I would move on like nothing has happened. I got what I needed off of my chest, and I felt better. Little did I realize the poisonous effects that lasted with her.

Lately I felt like she was nagging me for everything. Not helping enough with the house and not paying enough attention to her and the kids.I would try to ignore the yelling until it got to the point that "If you want to argue, we will argue. You started it, but I will end it." I would begin yelling right back.

The proverbial straw that broke the camels back happened back in November. Normal argument like the one above happens again. I get in her face and start yelling back. She then slaps me hard. I have never hit a woman, nor will I, but it was not fair that she could hit me. I called her a b**** and whore. She went to the bedroom and locked the door.

But I was not finished with the argument. To continue the arguement with her, I broke in the door. Regretably this all happened in front of our kids. If I could turn back the clock, I would.

To be honest, I can't truly remember what the argument was truly about, just the consequences of not handling it right. The saying "Choose your battles wisely" haunts me. It was March that she said her love for me was dead.

It has been an eye opener to realize how little time I spent engaged with my family. What would I give to have another chance. I miss my family...

One little good note is that she says she has noticed that I seem to be a better Father. It has not been difficult. I now want to give my family the world!!!

[sandi2]

It was not until last month that I was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance; to be more specific, my body is not producing enough serotonin.

I understand completely. I have the same problem only my body is not producing other hormones it needs. I went for years dealing with depression, lack of energy, lack of sleep, etc. I blamed it on stress, age, or whatever, but finally found a doctor who showed me how my body was very chemically unbalanced. I am doing so much better, but I've learned that you have to stay on top of things and make sure your doctor is involved doing lab tests, etc.

When I was at my lowest is when I had an EA. This OM would talk to me and say things boost my ego. I started having feelings that I had not experienced in a very long time. I believe that is why an EA, for a woman, is nothing to shrug off as unimportant or that it never happened.

While you are alone, you need to cry out your hurt, and then when you are around her and the kids, you stand a betting chance of keeping your emotions in tact.

What do you have planned for the weekend?