Thanks H, I guess I could reply to you in person, since you're in the house, and I'm on the veranda. But my feet are so tired, and I actually like this. I like that we each have time to read, and think about our response.
Thank you for acknowledging your words in the past. I know that that has been hard for you to do recently. It means so much to me to realize you might understand what they did to me.
I know that it hurts you to realize HOW they affected me, but I know that you'll feel better for knowing, and then knowing how to undo them. And it's easy really: just acknowledge them, and hopefully stop. Well actually, I hope you never feel the need to even censor yourself, after you understand...
Everything in our life is a lesson. And one good thing that has resulted from our troubles is that I did learn that I could create something from nothing but an idea - the store.
I do appreciate all you do to help me with it. I couldn't have done it without your all of your help.
I might have missed it, but I'm wondering what kind of therapist you have. The fact that you can go on for days just find, and then explode a bit, and then regret it, makes me wonder if you are bipolar, or have something else going on that needs to be diagnosed. I am not qualified to do that, and even if I was, online is not a place to make a diagnosis--it's just that your posts triggered me to ask that question. I hope you will explore all of those options available to you. It might just be behavioral, but it might be more than that, and you should set yourself up for success. You are worth it--Talk is worth it--your marriage is worth it.
Herb's posts take a while to appear, so I'll try to answer that. I don't know what kind of therapist he's going to. I'm not even sure if he knows actually. I think it was someone who was on the military list. At least he didn't have to see someone on base. Speaking of which, did you know that Cdn military members who see a therapist (that is paid for by the military) have their patient files reviewed by the military??? No confidentiality at all, and they admit that if they find something in them that suggests that they should be removed from duty, that they will. Not sure how that helps the poor guys dealing with PTSD, or anything really... just thought I would throw that out there. I had forgotten that.
I too have wondered that (Bipolar), but I don't really think that that's what it is.
He has always had some degree of anger, but it really sky-rocketed 3 years ago. He had just returned from Afghanistan, so if anything, I would suspect PTSD if anything. His work on his last deployment was traumatizing for any normal person, but he doesn't think that it affected him.
Add to that, he quit the regular army (after 24 years - to go to Afghanistan - long story), was now a full-time reservist without that solid security the reg force provides, that I had just quit my job, I bought an investment property before selling the old house (that we had just finished renoing for a year) (it sold in time), we moved into part of the new one, our son had moved out (into the other part of the new place)while he was deployed, AND he hurt his back - bad. He was terrified. That all took place from Aug - Nov.
Then, we bought another old house that needed EVERYTHING, moved into that, rented out the part of the previous one we had just lived in for 9 months, and started massively renoing the new "old" one. In the middle of reno, but after the big stuff was done, I announced that I was opening a store.It was a hit from day one, so long hours, stress, no more cooking by moi, and H feels like his life was out of control.
Then, another old beauty (with an adorable apt attached) comes on the market 3 doors down from our current home, and even though I had been thinking it would be a great location for the shop (which was 1 year old at that point and doing very well), I actually kept my mouth shut for fear that I would send poor H over the top with my idea, but HE brought it up 2 weeks after it was on the market. We went to the bank, it happened, the mortgage is cheaper than the rent I was paying, the store didn't implode, and everyone loves it. But stress, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, more ripping down of wallpaper, more painting, etc.
I LOVE the stress, taking chances, and pushing the limits, and once I have a positive gut reaction to something, I trust that everything will work out. And it has.
H on the other hand did not enjoy all of that. Well he did, and then he didn't, and then he blew. I think he felt out of control to put it mildly.
That's my take. He might have something different to say!
I'll have to check on the type of IC I'm receiving; not exactly sure.
I don’t believe I have PTSD, nor do I believe I suffer from bipolar. I don’t know a great deal about bipolar, except for what I’ve read and heard/seen from a guy I know who has the condition; I’m definitely not like him. I simply have difficulty dealing with stress when I perceive it to be beyond my scope to control; let me explain.
Talk (my W) explains our crazy life of revolving renovations; in hindsight, it wasn’t/isn’t that bad. I’ve had anger issues for many years, so I can’t/won’t make the connection that the last few years of revolving house reno is the reason for me flipping out; that would be a cop-out. I’ve always been a pleaser, which would be somewhat okay, if I didn’t take it all back after the fact with comments like “I never wanted to do that”, etc, etc, etc.
Being a “pleaser” along with a reoccurring back injury, has in my opinion, been my downfall and the source of much pain for my W. Life would have been much easier over the years if I would have been able to say “no thanks” without being abrupt in that moment or passive aggressive after the fact.
My back has been a BITC##^*(&$@!! since I returned from Afghanistan. I was until I returned from tour and Base Physio got their mitts on me, gave me the wrong exercises and then proceeded to say “it’s normal that you can’t walk upright. Spending the last three weeks of my post-deployment leave stuck in bed was not fun, either was the next 18 months, which was how long it took for my back to settle down. All this was happening when we moved, again. Now, this is where the pleaser part comes into play. In hindsight, I could have said “I prefer not to move when I’m broken” but I chose to be a pleaser and to be angry; not a smooth move on my part.
In hindsight, everything worked out and the world didn’t implode because we moved. My W managed 99% of the move and I did very little. I’m just now beginning to learn that my W intuition is generally bang-on-the-money and her decisions are extremely well thought out. Also, my wife’s an artist, so her thought pattern’s are sometimes like a Jackson Pollock paining; all over the place, but logical at the same time.
Long story short, I love that my W takes chances and that she still sees me in her life. I really want to be with her as well. I’ve also learned that pleasing to keep the peace is counterproductive in the long run.
Yes, I have a sore back from time to time; who doesn’t. All in all, my life is great.
I'm just journalling now. Writing everything is helping me to see things clearer, and from H's perspective too. This really might bore everyone else...
I'm beginning to see how hard it must be to live with ME!
I don't think I was "imprinted" with any traditional home-life models growing up. My dad died when I was young, and prior to that, there was alot of physical abuse (not aimed at me that I can remember), furniture flying out windows, my mom running away with me and my sisters, and my dad drunkenly hunting us down, and then hitch-hiking 8 hours to the nearest big city, being homeless on a few occasions, and my dad still finding us, them getting back together, only to wash, rinse, repeat, until he had a heart attack and died. I think on some level, she may have been relieved. It had been pretty ugly, she cheated, he beat her up. Actually, my dad was the OM during her first m, her neighbour when she was married the first time.
After he died, my mom ceased to be a mother in every sense other than providing (barely) the bare necessities. She had to have been traumatized too - my sister was murdered a year after my dad died - but to me, at the time, I just felt neglected, abandoned, and thoroughly f/u regarding my sister's and dad's deaths, while she spent every night/wkd with her boyfriend.
Although I was too alone during that time, I admired her bf, and we remained friends until his death 3 years ago - they broke up when I was 20. I loved his stories of survival. He never stopped playing the game of life to the fullest, and I always knew that I wanted to be like him.
When I m H, and went through the A, adoption, grief, etc., I became super determined and very independent. This worked for our m at the time because H liked that I was making money, and I don't think you can be a (happy) army wife and not be independent - H was gone for 9 months out of most years. I had zero problem making suggestions or decisions, and I THOUGHT that H was being honest when he agreed to something. I was wrong. It took me a long time to realize he was just trying to please me, and was actually NOT wanting to do something. Also, H actually suggested 3 out of the 5 old houses we have purchased, so not only was he agreeing to do something he didn't want to do, he was suggesting things that he didn't really want to do! I became very nervous about starting anything, suggesting anything, even when my gut was saying GO, and I have to admit, I have a good sense of when to buy and when to sell. H now understands appreciates that "skill" more, but I can see how stressful it was for him the last couple of years.
H would probably be happy enough to just work, save, retire, and feel that he had a good life. I would not. I think he's come to realize that he likes the end result of jumping off a few cliffs, but he doesn't enjoy the leap as much.
When H and I were flying home during his leave from Afgh the last time 3 years ago (actually, I think I have my dates mixed up, and it might be 4), we were both so inspired by seeing mom's old bf (the last time we saw him alive), and we decided to take a chance on investing in something when the right place came along. We were both working "for the man", something mom's bf had never done.
The next day, H came home after walking the dogs and said that there was a rental prop for sale on the street behind our house. He was going back to Afgh the next day but he told me to make an offer if it felt right. It did.
Our last move was during his latest injury, and I did plan it for when he was actually away for a month. I packed and moved. He just had to come home to a new address.
I'm not sure what just came out there, or if it makes any sense, but it helped me to write it.
Happy Father's Day to all you dads. Keep being good to your kids
H would probably be happy enough to just work, save, retire, and feel that he had a good life. I would not. I think he's come to realize that he likes the end result of jumping off a few cliffs, but he doesn't enjoy the leap as much.
That is exactly my W and I too Toon. I am like your H and my W is like you. You know what though? I have worked to try to understand the importance of enjoying the leap as well. That's what life is all about.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Well that explains why I feel a connection to your wife's side of things...
I really heard a lot of me in a text convo you had with your wife a few threads back, after the toilet incident.
I know. And that is why some of the best advice that I get is from people like you who understand my W's perspective. I think that it is too easy to brush it off and say that she needs to get over the hurt caused in the M... or that she needs to be understanding my pain and hurt. She's not there yet. And as you said on my thread, there will be plenty of time for that later.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
