I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering

[ClingingToHope]

Journaling ... Thursday night was the last church group session until September and Church_31 finally had a Thursday off and came.

It would have been just four of us, but D12 really wanted to come and see how I spent my Thursdays. We stayed 30 minutes and D12 interacted great with the other three -- all women and probably my three closest friends in the group.

D12, I think, has no idea that I seriously like Church_31.

Church_31 and I have been texting back and forth a lot the past two weeks, but it's still just friend, school, idle chit chat. Yesterday, she sent me a video of her dog playing at a dog park and some other stuff.

All of my men friends who know about her keep telling me to ask her out. They about had me convinced until I sent a message to another friend in the church group whose advice I value because I'm still not sure.

She thought about it for a day and said she didn't think Church_31 -- who just broke off an engagement -- or I was ready. She said just keep being a friend and Church_31 will let me know if there's something more there.

I've never been one to just make a leap and her advice made sense to me.

The girls stayed over at friends houses last night so I headed out with a couple of friends and talked for 3 hours about lots of stuff. One point I said I felt like I was in high school again. Every guy I know invariably asks me if I've found someone yet. It's like the old locker room days where the cool kids had girl friends and I was on the outside looking in.

I really just want to concentrate on living without anger and fear and letting life sort itself out -- but there's all this outside noise about "having" to find someone.

Weird thing today. XW calls about some camp stuff for D12 and I answered. The girls were going to go over to take care of a stray cat she found, but she forgot to leave the door open for them.

She asked if I had a key to the house and I said no. She asked if I wanted one. I didn't say anything. She explained that she'd like it if I had a key in case something happened to her because her mother and sister wouldn't respond. She said there was nothing at the house she didn't want me to see.

I still don't like being there. I built the two-level garden out of broken up concrete. I built the bridge across the creek. I laid out the stone path. My fingerprints are all over the house, but she's erased me as much as she could.

But, I couldn't formulate an argument in my head other than "it hurts too much" so I said that's fine.

Later, D8 wanted to get her Pokemon cards from XW's house. So we wandered down there and XW had just gotten home, and I saw her and gave her a smile. And then we left. And it sent my brain swirling again. It always does -- still. I sang a little tune in my head over and over again "Something great is going to happen to me."

That helps. Something Great is Going to Happen To Me. It just didn't today.