My wife is contemplating divorce and obviously I don't want it. She's bi polar and isn't on any medication because the meds scare her because she feels they make her worse. We haven't been fighting or anything is what makes a lot of this confusing. Even now she acts like everything is fine and when asking her why it seems so easy for her she says she shut herself down emotionally. I've suggested marriage counseling and she has shot that idea down saying she's changed in the past couple of years and marriage is no longer what she wants. We don't have any kids thankfully that have to be dragged through this.
Monday she came to me and said she was needing space because she feels suffocated. She said she wants to be able to spend more time with her friend. I've never had a problem with her going to visit her friend. Only problem I have with it is they drink and then my wife stays at her place all night because she can't drive drunk obviously. I even offered to drop her off and pick her back up as a compromise. Anyways she said she needed space but didn't want to separate and wasn't thinking about divorce. So I started doing my own thing a little bit and letting her have some space. Yesterday she comes home from work and says she talked with her brother and she is moving in with him and his wife and is sure she wants a divorce but is going to give it a little time first. Seemed a pretty big extreme to me to go from not wanting to separate or anything to wanting to divorce all in 4 days. her only reasoning she gives me is that she misses being single and doing what she wants to do without the responsibility of having to tell anyone what's going on. I asked her what I'm supposed to be doing here and she said moving on. Don't know if she means that or not.
I'm pretty close to her brother and he says he's pretty sure there isn't another guy involved in this but if he finds out otherwise he will let me know. So she packed up some clothes and went to his place last night. He's also thinking about divorcing his wife. He said he thinks in a few weeks she will want to come back.
She was texting me last night to tell me that she still had my ipod in her bag and that lead into a conversation of her telling me I'm her best friend and she doesn't want to lose me altogether. I didn't really have anything to say to that.
it just seems weird to me to leave a husband that loves her,a home,car and a bed to go live with her brother and having to have someone she works with pick her up and sleeping on his couch in the basement. She left the car with me because my name is the only one on the loan and she can't keep up with payments on it which also puts me in a bind because I don't have the money to pay for 2 cars,rent,food and utilities. So that left me today with having to go look for a part-time job also.
Do I just not text her and let her come to me? It feels odd to me to do nothing at all but I feel helpless in this situation. She is supposed to be coming over this weekend to pack up her stuff. I really hate being here it just seems so lonely and depressing waiting for her to walk through the door and jump on me to give me a hug knowing she's not going to. I don't really have anywhere else to go I don't have any friends around here and I've never really been a social butterfly. Any suggestions on what I can do to prevent this divorce from happening? thank you
Welcome to the community here at DB. Have you read The Divorce Remedy? Make that your priority b/c it will be your guide to save your M.
My question is, have you been with your W in past times when she was not taking her medication? If you have, then is she acting pretty much like she would when not medicated? I would think her brother would know the signs.
Who has the most influence in her life? It sounds as if her "friend" has the most right now. Girlfriends can have a ton of negative influence when one is not happy. For example, your W might be influenced to think she would be happier if she got a D. Is her friend M?
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I don't have the money to pay for 2 cars,rent,food and utilities. So that left me today with having to go look for a part-time job also.
How much of that was your W financing? Sell one of the cars. Find a cheaper place to live, be stingy with the utilities, and buy just enough food for one person. (Let your survival instincts kick in and you may be amazed.) Don't finance anything for her if she's not going to live with you and insists she wants a D.
If she starts living off her brother, he'll get tired of that quick! Doesn't mean she'll run back home, but she has to realize that you won't give her money.
Brace yourself for things to get worse, as they often do before getting better. Work on yourself and keep your focus off her. Pull back and don't contact her. No relationship talks! Those two things are very important.
Do you have family near?
This is a great support group. Hope you post often.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No i was thinking about purchasing it but wasn't sure with money being as tight as it is right now.
Normally her brother has the most influence but I do agree it does seem as though her friend is taking priority right now. I was wondering that also if her friend was saying hey get a D and she's just running with it. her friend isn't married but she has been living with her boyfriend for years.
My wife was only paying about half the car payment each month which still left me with paying 11/2 car payments,utilities,food etc. Oh she already knows if she isn't living with me there is no money going to help her out any.
I do have family but I can't bring any of my problems to them right now. My dad is in very poor health and don't really expect him to be around much longer
My question is, have you been with your W in past times when she was not taking her medication? If you have, then is she acting pretty much like she would when not medicated? I would think her brother would know the signs.
yes I have. sorry I didn't see this part earlier. We have had our ups and down and she has left once before this is the first time she's ever said she wanted a divorce. I tend to think a lot of it is her bi polar disorder but I'm not sure really. We've been married 31/2 years the first time she left we hadn't even been married a year yet and she was gone just a couple of weeks. She's talked about leaving a few times in between but we've always worked it out. Our relationship has been quite the rollercoaster.
I have talked to her about getting medication again for her disorder and she even acknowledges that she needs it but she won't do it. I have read a lot of articles on BPD and a lot of marriages have this problem when one spouse has it.
Ok so I canceled my order for the book on Amazon because I found it at a Barnes & Noble nearby so I have it already and will begin reading it here shortly. Is the book helpful even when the one who has left has bi polar disorder?
My wife text me earlier saying she was hungry I just responded with well go eat then. She said she is sleeping on a mattress on the floor in her brothers basement and he is going to be charging her rent of course. She has no internet or nothing down there except for what service she gets on her phone. She is also getting a ride to work with her "arch nemesis" as she calls her. He also doesn't have any hot water so they shower over at the neighbors. To me it doesn't sound very pleasant. She was telling me all this my only response to it was well this is the life you wanted. She changed the subject at the point to saying she would be down either tomorrow or Sunday to get a few things to take over there.
Like I said it doesn't sound very pleasant to me but I wouldn't want living conditions bringing her back to me I don't think. I would want her coming back because she wants to be here. Which none of that means she will come back anyways. She said she is going to be trying to save some money to get a car and an apartment. With her credit though I don't know if she can do either one really plus she's not much of a money saver. She usually spends it as quick as she gets it if I haven't told her in advance how much to keep held back.
Wish I could find a cheaper place to live. I'm locked in a contract with my apartment until the end of December. I plan to try to sell one of the cars here pretty quick just to try to make my life a little easier.
How are you sure she is bipolar? How long have you been married?
Divorce Remedy has a section on dealing with depression, read that section and MLC. Not everything is going to pertain to you, but enough of it will, especially about how to deal with the 'long haul'. You may be dealing with this situation for awhile and we are here to help you work through that.
That doesn't make it hopeless, it just makes it 'interesting'.
The thing I 'don't' see here, is what might be HER perspective of YOUR contribution to the marriage not being very appealing to her. The only thing I see is that she felt suffocated. What might you do to contribute to that?
When you read DR, you will see that DBing is all about changing YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR in order to change your wife's. The idea is that relationships are created by your interactions, which are behaviors. These interactions are cyclical, it really doesn't matter who 'started it'. You can, will, change your spouse's behavior when you change your own.
